Manipulated Again

[ocrob]

I know the why does not matter, but I would love to see how people perceive this. My ex and I have been great friends the last 5 months. I stopped being a priority and decided to only put in as much effort as she was. I used to e-mail her several times a day, call every once in a while and ask for plans every weeken. Well, after really cutting down my contact with her, we went 7 days NC. I was ready to never talk to her again. This is what she wrote me this morning:

 

Hi....i hope you had a nice thanksgiving. i'm certain someone else will be accompanying you to your company party next week but i didn't want to wrongly assume. no response means i'm correct with this assumption. also, i'll be dropping the pix we took in the mail sometime this week.

 

take care, sweetie...

 

I was stupid and wrote back: I had not planned on changing our plans. I told you last time we hung

out that I felt like I was putting in all of the effort. I said I

would ask to see you one time and leave it up to you weather we saw

each other. It seems the only way we talk, is if I make all the

contact or ask to see you. As you have seen, I am only willing to put

in as much effort as you. It seems by your lack of effort, you really

have not had the urge to talk to me or see me. I will put in as much

effort as you. I will leave it up to you to tell me weather you want

to go to my party. As far as I am concerned, we have plans and I want

you to go. But, I am done asking you to do things you don't want to

do. If you don't want to talk to me or see me and would rather spend

time with your other guys, then that is cool with me. I am just going

with the flow.

 

cya,

 

Me

 

 

She replies: You are pouty.

 

Can you F'n believe that. As usual, she does not address anything I say and has to take control. I will not respond to that e-mail, but I know she will call me. I would love your thoughts, especially from women.

 

Thanks

[lunatic]

Hey man I may not be a woman but, I can tell you what I would do in that situation. I would stop calling her all together and write her off as a lost cause. When she eventually contacts you I would tell her you want to talk.

 

When and if she agrees to have a sit down tells you how interested in the relationship she is. To be honest with you it does not sound like she has too much interest in persuing you. I could be wrong and I would also love to hear the ladies opinion on this matter.

 

Good luck bro!

 

Hub

[patience]

What are YOU getting out of this ocrob? What will it take for you to move on?

 

She replies: You are pouty.

 

That is not how a mature adult communicates after someone opens up about their thoughts and feelings. This isn't even communication! It's a cheap one-liner to put you in your place!

[ocrob]

I hear ya. The point I was making is that I did not contact her for a week. Why would she take the time to write this. It seems she was trying to draw me in. As I said, I know the why does not matter, but it is quite annoying. I know she will want to talk, but why bother? Just venting.

[SeaBisquit]

here's my take on this. she's trying to get to you and walk all on top of you. she sounds selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. she has no feelings thereforeeee she cannot consider yours. she also is trying to make something out of nothing by telling you you are pouty. she sounds like alot of words i cannot use on this forum. you need to move on this girl is very one sided to your feelings.

[patience]

it takes only a few seconds to write an email, basically no effort, I wouldn't put much faith in an email

 

now, if she called and asked to get together for lunch to talk, that would be something to think about

 

she's got you on the back burner, right where she wants you...question is, is that what you want? are you comfortable/happy/willing to be ocrob on the side?

 

you KNOW you deserve better than this

[ocrob]

I agree. It is funny because my phone has been ringing a lot and the person never leaves a message. I think what I wrote was pretty straight forward. It seems like her original message was to find out if I was done talking to her. It's like she wanted closure or something. She is definitely sound f'n selfish. It's funny because if I don't write her or return an e-mail right away, then something is wrong. But she ignores a lot of my e-mails and does not address what I have to say head on. And she thinks she is blunt. Maybe at the wrong times. lol

[Dannysgirl]

I wouldn't bother with her at all, she sounds like she is stringing you along as 'insurance' in case her other guys don't work out.

The 'you are pouty' comment was extremely immature and if anything THAT comment was pouty because she is realising that she cannot control you and have you at her beck and call all the time. If somebody doesn't make time for you, return your emails, and do not put any effort into the relationship then basically there IS no relationship - unless of course its convenient for HER.

You don't need this kind od treatment she is not worth all of this - I would begin NC and not bother with her again.

[lunatic]

I wouldn't bother with her at all, she sounds like she is stringing you along as 'insurance' in case her other guys don't work out.

The 'you are pouty' comment was extremely immature and if anything THAT comment was pouty because she is realising that she cannot control you and have you at her beck and call all the time. If somebody doesn't make time for you, return your emails, and do not put any effort into the relationship then basically there IS no relationship - unless of course its convenient for HER.

You don't need this kind od treatment she is not worth all of this - I would begin NC and not bother with her again.

 

WOW this is a first but, I am totally with Dannysgirl on this one! hee hee j/k She hit the nail on the head here. Time to move on and keep NC going because your already pretty much doing it.

[ocrob]

Hi all, thanks for the responses. As you, I just use this forum to vent. I am one of those people that needs to express myself and this is a great venue. I read there are different stages of feelings after a break up. I think I am pretty far along. I am guessing she was having a bad day at work and will apologize, but I will ignore her. I am really pissed at her right now and although I don't like to get nasty or mean, I would love to tell her that she is an inconsiderate, controlling B. In the past when I expressed anger, she would always apologize. I know it is wrong, but I just want to set this woman straight, but time will tell. lol I don't mean to dwell, just doing this for entertainment and conversation, but why would she break silence to write her first comment? I think it is a power thing and she wanted to end it on her terms. I fell into her trap, but now I have the opportunity to take control. Yes, I know it is all about getting over that person and NC, but I have an ego like most and have tried to handle the situation right. I know it is not a contest, but I so badly want to give her a jab and say never contact me again. It's funny because she has always been sweet to me and I think she felt threatened when I did not communicate with her. She got used to having a little lap dog. I am no B. I will keep you posted and would love some more comments. She is actually not a B, but at this point she is and I will have nothing to do with it. If we never talk again, I will be so fine with it, but I am sure she will apologize just to suck me into her life. I am her only true friend, but this girl shuts her emotions off so well. I originally wanted her to go with me to my party because she lives close to where I work and wanted a place to crash. I guess I will not drink much and just drive home with diginity. I know this may change, but it has sort of become a game. I know it is not right, but I am pissed and don't wish her anything bad at all, but she already broke up with me and I want to end the friendship and not have her do it. Yes, it is childish, but that is how I am I guess. I have not been sitting home and sulking the last few weeks and have met a few women, which is another story. I am so fine being single and i am back to where I once was. I would like to know, other than not contacting her, what was wrong with what I said. I thought it was pretty direct and I meant every word.

 

cya,

 

ocrob

[melrich]

Hi Ocrob,

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but I have another view on this (and I apologise, I have not read other posts on this matter by you).

 

From this post it seems you are the one making all the effort to keep up the contact. I assume she broke it off.

 

The first note she sent to you seemed pretty innocent and straight forward,

 

The note you wrote,

 

 

 

If I had gotten that I'd have thought it was "pouty" (I may have used another word) too.

 

I think this is a great example of why no contact is a good option because when one person wants to be with another person who doesn't want to be with them, there is an imbalance.

 

She is writing you just normal friend to friend stuff and you are wanting G/f to B/f stuff.

 

I agree with the others that you really should stop being in contact with this girl until you are OK with being just friends.

[patience]

what was wrong with what I said

 

nothing

 

it seems you care more for her than she does for you, so any 'game' will be won by her

 

basically, whoever is the least emotionally involved in a relationship has the 'power'...which is why it is best to choose women who are as into you as you are into them, there is more balance there, and a chance for something real

 

you also seem more communicative than your ex (at this time), which again suggests that you are more invested

 

she's 'fishing' for sure, she is checking to see if you are still wearing the collar and leash...and every time you respond, she knows she still has you

 

consider getting call display...maybe some other woman is calling you...maybe someone you'd actually WANT to talk with

 

good luck

[patience]

okay, here's an idea ocrob...I'll write out a response to your email that will give you an idea as to how a mature, responsible, caring person who was interested in staying connected with you would reply.

 

I had not planned on changing our plans.

 

Thanks for letting me know.

 

I told you last time we hung out that I felt like I was putting in all of the effort.

 

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I can see how my actions recently have contributed to you feeling that way. I realize that I need to invest equally if we are to be friends. I'll put more effort into this friendship starting right now.

 

I said I would ask to see you one time and leave it up to you weather we saw each other.

 

I remember you saying that. I have called you, yet I felt too shy to leave any messages. I guess you're just not at home when I call.

 

It seems the only way we talk, is if I make all the

contact or ask to see you. As you have seen, I am only willing to put

in as much effort as you.

 

As I said, I have called, but there has been no answer. I'll leave a message the next time I call, and I expect that you will return my call.

 

It seems by your lack of effort, you really have not had the urge to talk to me or see me. I will put in as much effort as you. I will leave it up to you to tell me weather you want to go to my party.

 

I want to go to your party. I am feeling really excited to be there and to spend some time with you. Are you still feeling comfortable with me being there? I don't want it to be ackward.

 

As far as I am concerned, we have plans and I want you to go. But, I am done asking you to do things you don't want to do. If you don't want to talk to me or see me and would rather spend time with your other guys, then that is cool with me. I am just going with the flow.

 

I appreciate that you took the time to write all of this to me. I want to talk with you, that's why I've called you, and I do want to spend time with you . I actually do want to be friends. In all honesty, I don't want more than a friendship right now though. Sometimes I think you want to get back together, and then I feel uncomfortable. Are you sure you can handle just being friends right now? If not, please be honest with me about that, and I will respect your wishes. Maybe it is just not the time for us to be hanging out?

[ocrob]

Hi Melrich,

 

I don't mean to get defensive, but what you said just did not sit well with me at all. I am not in denial or anything, but you made absolutely no sense. Maybe it is because you did not read everything. I don't want to sit and rehash so I will say this. I have been friends with her for over five months and have not tried to get back with her for many. We have been strictly good friends, which has been hard on me and I finally got sick of making all of the effort to stay in contact. So, after she blew me off a couple of times, I got distant and then did not contact her for a week. I was totally cool with everything. After me not contacting her the usual amount of times and putting all the effort into our friendship, she writes me that lame goodbye letter. What I said to her was straight forward. I did not tell her I did not want her going to my Christmas party. She assumed because I did not contact her that we were done talking. I set the record straight and voiced my concerns about our friendship. This is a different issue as to whether I should have stayed friends with her. Just as friends, she was completely lame. I always justified staying friends with her because she was a good friend, fun to be around, and a good person. I guess I put her to the test and she failed. How arrogant of her to write me that message after I only did not pursue contact as a friend. This B is looking for attention and control. I was planning on cutting our friendship off only because it is too hard on me, but was going to do it with class and respect. Now, she has really pissed me off and I am losing so much respect for her. Now, as for what you said, how the F am I being pouty? I know it sounds harsh, but I am not mad, just a bit annoyed, but still writing with a smile and kindness. : )

 

Thanks,

 

ocrob

[melrich]

Hi Ocrob,

 

Don't worry, I don't mind you being defensive, you know the situation far better than I do. The value of these forums is you get different points of view. Importantly you get the point of view of people who have no emotional involvement.

 

So I admit I could be way off and I am certainly not saying my reading of things here is right.

 

But I'll go back to the original note you wrote. To me that does not seem like a note from one friend to another. It seems like a note from an ex-lover to an ex-lover who is not happy about the attention he is getting.

 

To me her note to you seemed like something a friend might write to another. I didn't see anything offensive in what she wrote but I don't know the whole story.

 

It is just my perspective only. Whatever, my main point remains. It is hard to maintain a friendship where one person wants more than the other. To me that seems to be what is going on here. You are seeing her attitude as offensive because you want something different from the friendship than she wants.

 

She's probably putting no analysis or thought into what she is writing to you because she has put the whole relationship onto a just good friends level.

[ocrob]

Melrich, I appreciate your point of view. I just don't see a friend basically saying goodbye forever because I did not act the way i used to. Her response to me was so immature and looking for a response. She will not get one and she is dead in my mind. I know she will contact me, but if she does not, then I am cool with that. My e-mail to her asked for an action and instead she insulted me. Do you think I will beg her to go with me? Not going to happen my friend. lol Patience made such a great point and her response was so appropriate. Trust me, I am not mad at you or even her, but am seeing the light. I have written things off and have been trying to justify being her friend. No reason now, but I will keep you posted because I know she will put one last jab in. It is all good and life is wonderful.

 

Peace out,

 

ocrob

[melrich]

Fair enough.

 

Maybe there was more than this but I just don't see what was offensive about this note or how it says bye forever?

 

Hi....i hope you had a nice thanksgiving. i'm certain someone else will be accompanying you to your company party next week but i didn't want to wrongly assume. no response means i'm correct with this assumption. also, i'll be dropping the pix we took in the mail sometime this week.

 

take care, sweetie...

[ocrob]

Melrich, I will explain my friend. There were a few times when I was mad I would say take care. She always said that meant good bye forever. She made it very clear and I did not say it again. What about..if I am right don't contact me and I will send you pics. She was saying goodbye and for some reason wanted to send me pics. She would not mail them to me, if we were going to hang out again. It's all good, but I was hoping to send the goodbye letter. lol

[ocrob]

Here is the newest update. I check my voicemail on my cell phone and it is a message from my ex. She said she was on her way to work and was thinking about me and missed me. She said to e-mail or call her and that we had so much to catch up on. She said that we needed to plan for my party and that she missed me. She said that she hoped I was not mad at her and jokingly said that I am pouty. I have not contacted her and I am not sure what I will do. She and I either have a very serious talk or I just ignore her. I personally like closure and would not feel good about ignoring her. I will let her stew while I figure out what to do. I will try to ignore her this weekend, but we will see. Feel free to chime in.

 

thanks,

 

ocrob

[melrich]

Well I think you do need to have a talk with her. find out exactly what is going on, lay it all on the line.

[ocrob]

I have given my situation a lot of thought and still don't know what I will do. I have realized that if we continue our friendship, it will be hard on me. I also know that once she has a boyfriend, then I will not exist. She has already put me as a non priorty while she dates other guys. I am thinking about just not returning her call. It's tough because she thinks she is going to my company party and we had plans and she even took the next day off of work. I guess my dilemma is...do I just have one last great night with her? Would it be foolish to go to the party and have fun and then the next morning ( I would stay over ) tell her we can't be friends anymore and just have a nice goodbye? I really don't know what is right. Yes, I would feel like crap the next week, but although I am feeling pretty strong I am still missing her and still a bit depressed. It is funny how the ex's become very nice once you ignore them. When she said she missed me today, it brought out a lot of emotions because she is always honest and rarely says that. There have been times where I have said I missed her and asked if she missed me and she was nice, but honest and said not really. My party is not until thursday so I will keep nc until the weekend is over and then decide. I will take all advice.

 

thanks,

 

ocrob

[patience]

ocrob,

 

There is no need to make a decision right now. You can take some time, and pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.

 

I find it odd that suddenly she misses you. Maybe things are not going so great with some other guy, it's hard to say.

 

You could wait until she contacts you again. She will if she really does miss you.

[lovecrazy]

Im sorry but this girl is just stringing you along! She is playing with your emotions. I hate to admit this, but I had a guy like that! I told him I didnt care for him like that anymore, and so we broke up, but if he even got close to another girl, here I would come back. Then he would stop talking to one of these girls, and I had him again! Once I had him, I didnt want him anymore! WEll finally he got tired of it and went on about his biz! I realized what I did. I guess I did it because I was jealous for some reason! You know I didnt even care about him! I guess I was just territorial!

 

And this girl doesnt care about you! I am sorry to be harsh, but you are letting her hurt you! You seem like a nice guy and you dont deserve that! Take care of yourself, and stop worrying about her! Just dont talk to her again, dont call her or email, text or whatever! LEAVE HER ALONE! You deserve better!

[ocrob]

Wow, I just read this post. It is now nine days later and I have not talked to my ex. I think about her and miss her every once in a while, but I am moving on. Went on a awesome date yesterday. I appreciate your harsh words and hope you won't treat a guy like that ever again. If you are not the solution, then you are the problem. lol