Does anyone get to that point....

[Jadtt]

I'd like some feedback from guys and girls. In a new relationship, do you often get to the point where you're not in a serious relationship, but have been dating long enough to know you really like the person...then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you get completely freaked out????????

 

I'm a pretty positive person and I've been dating this guy for around a month. We've progressed to the point in our relationship where I get a call every day and all of a sudden I'm totally freaking out about it. I like him a lot, but I know if I keep seeing him I'm going to like him even more. It's almost like the fear of the unknown or of getting my heart broken pops up and just tears away at me. And, it usually doesn't last for long and I try not to think about it, but I was just wondering if this was a normal reaction and if everyone else experiences this from time to time.

[Dating Coach]

Are you afraid to settle down? Is it the "grass is greener on the other side" feeling?

[Msnak]

Exactly how do you freak out?

[Jadtt]

Are you afraid to settle down? Is it the "grass is greener on the other side" feeling?

 

I'm not afraid to settle down at all. In fact, what I tell most men that I start dating is that I do want to get married and have a family in the future (well...not with them, of course! ). But, ultimately, this is my goal. I'm sorry, I will not date a man unless he is open to having a committed relationship in the future if that's what happens.

 

I never really get the feeling "the grass is greener on the other side". I'm actually now at a point in my life where I am starting to realize my intuitions are pretty right on about situations I'm in. I don't necessarily feel like this guy is anything less than what I'm looking for. However, after being in situations where I've been treated like complete krap by guys, it's like I'm at a place where a part of my heart is just too scared of it happening again. I know I'm a positive person, I know that each person that comes in my life will teach me something, either about myself or about dating in general. thereforeeee, if this doesn't work out, I know I will at least learn something from the whole experience. It's just, I don't know if my freaking out is just personal, or a common experience. It seems to happen just before that threshold where the relationship changes from just "dating" to "exclusive".

[Jadtt]

Exactly how do you freak out?

 

It's totally internal and never on the guy. For instance, he called me to wish me a "Happy Thanksgiving" and said "I'll see you when you get home", it was the 7th day in a row he called (when normally we talk every few days or so to schedule time to see each other) and I just got this anxious feeling in my stomache. It almost felt as if I had someone to go home to and that scared me a little bit, because I'm super independent and have been taking a break from dating for a while. I don't know if that's easy to understand or not, but when they start calling everyday it's nice...because I know they're thinking of me. But, at the same time, it feels like it's getting more serious. I'm not scared of commitment per se, I'm just scared of screwing up.

[Tigris]

I think you've just got a fear of moving onto the next stage in this relationship. It's obvious that your guy is missing you. You know what they say, 'Absense makes the heart grow fonder,' and I'm sure this has happened with him.

 

Once your initial panic is over I'm sure you'll be ok.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Msnak]

Jadtt, Can I just say "Awww...." it is so cool that he's showing how he feels with actions and not just words. The daily calls might be enough to freak anyone out when you're not used to it. (I've done the same! Even to the point I'd see his number and purposely not answer because I couldn't get my mouth to function!)

 

I sympathize with your fear of messing things up with him. Just take a deep breath, keep your eyes open and see what happens! Good luck!

[Jadtt]

Jadtt, Can I just say "Awww...." it is so cool that he's showing how he feels with actions and not just words. The daily calls might be enough to freak anyone out when you're not used to it. (I've done the same! Even to the point I'd see his number and purposely not answer because I couldn't get my mouth to function!)

 

I sympathize with your fear of messing things up with him. Just take a deep breath, keep your eyes open and see what happens! Good luck!

 

Yeah, I'm diggin' the daily phone calls, it is nice to hear from him...but just a little scary. I guess in my past relationships when the guy kicked it up a notch like this it was mainly a game to get me into bed. With respect to that, I'm not assuming this is the case in this relationship, but I am being very cautious and very deliberate in my actions moving forward.

 

It is just sometimes, the one little insecure part of me thinks "What does this 42 year-old man see in me"....I push those thoughts off very quickly though, because I know they are silly and uncalled for. I'm a successful, smart, beautiful cool chick and I think any guy would be interested in me just based on those grounds.

 

I guess one of the hardest things is in the beginning of relationships like this, where you don't really know the person but you can feel the relationship progressing to a more serious level. When it becomes more serious, there is greater potential for heartache.

[teacup]

i think it's normal that you have this kind of fear and anxiety when things seem like they might heat up more. that makes sense to me because it shows you are a healthy person.

 

unhealthy people jump into relationships fast and jump out of them fast. this doesn't make sense because it takes time to get to really know a person and to make sure you are finding out what you want and what you are getting. i used to be really unhealthy like this and i can only thank god that i was protected from jumping into too many things.

 

healthy people take the time, the space, the thinking it through to get into a relationship, to mature the relationship, to develop it, and to make a commitment. this is because there is so much investment, risk at stake! it makes sense to take it slow to really make sure you even want to get into it. so if you start feeling distanced or even scared because the relationship is progressing, that makes a lot of sense to me.

 

i get like this too...i balk, or i want to distance myself or run away or push them away. but if given enough time to myself (where im not pushed) i usually start to miss him and things about him. that's when i'll reapproach. i think like getting close, pulling away...back and forth very gradually. that seems normal to me.

 

the extreme kind of hot/cold that unhealthy ppl do i think is a variation on this, but it is too unhealthy because of how...extreme and intense it is. i would think that normal ppl do it too....but subtly and dont react as violently.

 

what do you think?

[Jadtt]

I think this makes tons of sense and I know all of this deep down inside!! Unfortunately, sometimes I don't listen to myself, but don't we all do this at times. I really like this guy, I really have a great time around him. So long as I maintain my own space, sense of self and time with my friends and family everything will be ok I think. It's just hard...sometimes...to hold off on sex, because you get to a point where your physical emotions take over and you just need it. Which, is normally when I leave and decide to go home.

[Msnak]

Jadtt--Just take your time and let the relationship progress slowly. One thing about dating older men, usually, is that they're more mature and they'll be more into a social, emotional and intellectual connection, instead of just a physical connection. That means you'll be able to have enough knowledge of him, his intentions and how you both feel about each other.

 

The hot/cold thing probably happens more than it should with most of us, but during the "cold" cycle, it does give you space and time to consider what you like about the person, and if they're good for you. Good luck!