She is afraid of losing the friendship

[boredguy]

First of all, this is actually a post that im writing for a friend of mine who happens to be peerin over my shoulder as i type. no really, its a friend...lol

 

basically, they have been friends for a few years, but have become really good friends in the past 6-8 months. he developed a bigger liking for her, and so did she. now heres where it gets a bit complicated.

He told her that he has feelings for her, and she said she likes him too but she is afraid to lose the friendship they have developed. And somehow she says she is not ready. she seems to be scared. now both these people have had bad experiences in the past with relationships, and they both know about each others experiences. he has told her many a time that she would not lose him as a friend. But he needs to know how to show her taht he will remain a friend.

so heres the question. HOW does he show her that he can be a good friend and a good bf at the same time.

 

btw, this guy im talkin about is a really good friend of mine, and i can vouch that he will definitely be a good bf to this girl.

[Shadows Light]

Well thats not very fair is it. Show her he's going to remain a good friend? How in the world can he make and fufill that promise? People take vows at the alter before God, friends and family.. that they will love, honor and cherrish... and while all intentions are good right then and there... STUFF HAPPENS. LIFE ..happens.

 

If there is chemistry... and both feel a "need" to explore that chemistry. And they truly love and care for one another as friends.. then why not give it a shot. Its better to have love and lost then never to have loved before. Trite..YES.. but True.

 

Love is supposed to be unconnditional. Friendship... if you call each other friend.. this too should be unconditional. I don't call someone friend who is mean and nasty to me. But... I also don't give them a TEST to prove their friendship to me. We have a mutual regard and respect for one another.. we treat each other well.. that is proof enough to be called friend.

[good_charlotte_freak2]

I think that if they like eachother they should go for it. Friends are good. Even if they do break up...they can always try and go back to being frineds

[Dating Coach]

The problem is that he wants her so he is grabbing on to any hopes that he can that she will like him too. So when she throws out this excuse of how she doesn't want to ruin the friendship but really likes him, he is buying into that because it keeps his hopes alive.

 

What you guys don't understand is that when a girl gives you an excuse, it's nothing but an excuse. I've been saying this for years now, if you focus on what the excuse is then you will only keep finding conflicting and confusing circumstances and thoughts. However, if you want the truth then you pay attention to her actions. He told her that he likes her romantically... and what did she do?

 

Think about this. What do people do when they both like each other? They hook up, they date, they see each other. What did she do. She did not start a romantic relationship with him. That's her answer, she's not interested. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings so this is the excuse she gave him to spare his feelings. It doesn't matter if he would rather get the truth, for her it is easier to give the excuse rather than to say, "Sorry buddy, I have absolutely no romantic interest in you whatsoever, and I never will." I know it doesn't make much sense from a logical standing point, but it is true nonetheless. You see it all of the time every single day on these relationship forums. Some guys have wasted even years of their lives persuing a girl who gave him this kind of answer. Years! She could have easily told him to buzz off but she didn't and he never gave up hope. He kept thinking that she would change her mind or that she would somehow look at him differently, etc. Finally after years of wasted time he finally moved on. He should have read her actions rather than words and moved on then.

 

If you (your friend) still refuses to listen to what I am saying, then tell him to approach her and say, "Look, Becky... I like you and I want to be with you. If you like me then let's give it a real shot. It's worth it. If you aren't interested in me romantically, it's fine, just tell me. If you do not tell me that you don't want to date me then I will continue to have hope that we will be together and I will keep trying. If this is the case I would rather know now so I can move on and meet other women rather than waste my time focusing on someone who couldn't tell me they weren't interested. It's okay. Now let's give us a shot. If not, it's cool but tell me now that you aren't interested in a romantic relationship with me."

Her answer (by her actions) is that she will not hook up with him. At that point he needs to move on. I hope that she won't try to soften the blow by feeding him excuses that will only continue to give hope, but that will still likely happen. If he is lucky enough to get the real answer out of her, then hopefully he can truly move on.

[boredguy]

diggitydog, i think u misunderstood my post. he has already told her he likes her. and she admits to liking him too. now this is where it gets screwed up. they both like each other, and have admitted to it to each other, but now the girl says that she is afraid about the friendship.

[Shadows Light]

I've had friends tell me that they wanted to take it to the next level. And I have used the "excuse" it'd ruin our friendship. LOL. Probably because it would hurt thier feelings. In all actuality there was not "one bit" of chemisty.. I felt no pull in that regard. I've since learned to be honest and just tell them "I" have no pull or feel any chemistry with you. But that doesn't make them less attractive to some other woman. Not all of us mix well.

 

This young couple... look... people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If she feels a "pull" and its mutual.. then the best thing to do is go with it. If it doesn't work.. well there maybe akwardness at first..but if it is a strong friendship, it will survive it. Why not. Live a little. Go for it. But yes..... do not string him along with maybe's... thats not fair. Be honest. Be a good friend first and formost. Being a good friend means being honest and offering feedback that is good and bad. But doing it with love.

[Dating Coach]

diggitydog, i think u misunderstood my post. he has already told her he likes her. and she admits to liking him too. now this is where it gets screwed up. they both like each other, and have admitted to it to each other, but now the girl says that she is afraid about the friendship.

 

No, I understood your post completely. What I am telling you is that her excuse is a fake one. You don't have to believe me but I am telling you this because it's what a lot of girls do. It's an excuse to let him down easy. Saying "I like you a lot but I will not date you because I am afraid that we will lose our friendship" is a much easier way of letting your friend down than saying, "Look, I'm flattered but I am not interested in you romantically at all and I never ever will be so please move on." Even if it actually makes things more difficult for your friend, for her it is much easier to tell him what she did rather than telling him the truth. And she will deny it to the end. I've been in this situation myself, I've had friends in this situation, and I've spoken with dozens of guys all in this very situation. It never worked out and those guys (including me) never got that girl. We all focused on her answer rather than her actions. Her actions showed us the truth, because if a girl was really romantically interested in a guy, she would go out with him. Yes, it is that simple. If she gives an excuse and her action is that she does not hook up, then that is her answer. No.

 

Again, you don't have to believe me, but I am telling you this because this is a situation I am very familiar with.

[Dating Coach]

I've had friends tell me that they wanted to take it to the next level. And I have used the "excuse" it'd ruin our friendship. LOL. Probably because it would hurt thier feelings. In all actuality there was not "one bit" of chemisty..

 

See? I told you. This is how it works and it is very common. This girl is not interested in your friend at all. Her excuse was nothing more than an excuse.

[boredguy]

thanks a lot fer the info guys. ill relay all of it to my buddy...should clear his head a bit.