Opinions Wanted Please!!!

[Regretfulman]

Long story short

 

We dated 11 months, but never officially a couple though

She wanted more, I never committed, i move slow

She said she loved me after 5 months, I said nothing

She always asked for more and told me how she felt, I did nothing

We had fun, but we also fought a lot, she wasn't truly happy

she went out with other guys, cuz we werent official yet

I got jealous but still wouldn't committ

finally i decided to be more serious and asked her to be my girl

She said she had to think about it, One week later she dumped me

I tried to work it out, told her how i felt, she didn't change her mind

Now she wants to be friends, but she is seeing someone new

She calls me and sends me e-mail, but we always fight cuz now i want more from her, but she says she is happy with her new man

 

What should i do? NC for sure, but do u think this is repairable in the future?

[hk87]

To be honest, this is mostly your fault. She showed you everything, and you pushed her away so to speak. It will now be totally on her terms if she wants to ever get back with you. You defintely have to show you have changed and really like her now and want to commit, man you left it 11 months, so surely if you didn't know after a month or two at least, why the sudden change? Give her some space, and time with her new guy. All you can do is wait for her, and maybe in the future she will come back to you. It's a good sign that she still wants to be friends with you.

Hk87

[Regretfulman]

thanks for your opinion, i really did mess up huh? I kept my feelings bottled up for months, and then she dumped me, and now i wanna explode, but its to late.

[Pips Estella]

Regretfulman, is there any particular reason why you kept your feelings bottled up?

[Regretfulman]

Hmm, well I guess I didn't want to feel weak, I didn't want her to feel she had control over me. Also, i didn't know if I could fully trust her, cuz like i said, she went out with other men while she was with me, i think to make a point to me and try to force me to committ, but i was less likely to do it each time she saw another guy, its a sticky mess i know

[Pips Estella]

Do you trust her now?

[Regretfulman]

I dont know what to think, all i know is i want her back. im hoping that things go sour with her new man, and she realizes what she is missing, i was so good to her, just not very emotional and expressive. She is usually happy to hear from me until i get sad and pester her about "us" after 5 minutes of talking. I know she would be bothered if i totally stopped talking to her, but im afraid to let go, i dont wanna wait months for her to come back, its horrible, i made very bad mistakes in how i dealt with her, i know what i lost now, and i want it back so bad

[Pips Estella]

All you can do is play it straight and say: I really want to be with you. If she continues to um and ah, then it's either one of two things

a) her feelings for you aren't very strong

b) she distrusts you

 

Try and get her to give a reason. If it's a) then there's not much you can do. If it's b) then you can tell her you're very sorry, explain why you acted the way you did and hope that she forgives you. If she forgives you, then all's well and if not, move on. Otherwise you'll get hurt.

 

Try and be as firm as possible. Most women like decisive men. Plus, if you are straight with her, and she says no, you're subsequent No Contact could reignite her interest in you and within a few days your phone may be buzzing. It's a possibility.

[Regretfulman]

Well the big thing is she is with another guy now, but i know she isnt over me yet, or she wouldn't be calling me as much as she does. I guess all i can hope for is that her "rebound" relationship fizzles out, like they usually do, and this girl can't be alone, so i know she will be back, but in the meantime, i hate being the second choice.

[Pips Estella]

This brings back so many memories of how my relationship started. My ex-boyfriend and I had feelings for each other, but he still loved his then girlfriend. But he wanted to be with him. Then ensued some of the most traumatic weeks of my life. I eventually became the girlfriend, and the ex-girlfriend was NOT happy. Needless to say, my then boyfriend dithered between the two of us to keep us both happy. It killed me to see him leave a romantic dinner with me so he could step outside and calm his screaming girlfriend down on his cell phone. Seriously, if you feel you've been relegated to second best, it's going to rip your self-esteem to shreds in the long run. You need to be first best, always.

[patience]

when she was seeing other men, were you also seeing other women?

 

what sort of commitment did she want? (marriage?)

 

what did you fight about?

 

do you miss her, or being in a relationship? have you told her directly that you are williing to work on your issues?

[Regretfulman]

i saw a few women, but i told her, it was mostly when we fought that we saw other people

 

she just wanted to be a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend

 

We fought about everything, but it stemmed from her frustration and unhappiness about me not committing

 

i miss her and i told her i want to be with her, she is giving me a hard time now and just telling me she is happy with this new guy, but she still calls, and i know she is not over me yet

[patience]

it sounds like she is stringing you along...hanging on to you just in case the new guy doesn't work out

 

do you really want to hear about this guy?

 

do you want her back because she is not available now? (be honest with yourself) if she was suddenly single, and wanted a commitment with you, would you actually want that too?

 

it doesn't sound like either one of you is ready for a commitment (which is fine, I'm not judging that at all)

[Regretfulman]

thanks for your opinion, i appreciate it patience. The thing is, i do feel deeply for this girl, possibly even the L word, and i cared all along, i just never showed my true colors, but just like u say, she says the same thing, that i just want her now cuz she is gone, but its not true, i always wanted her, i did a lot for her, just not the most romantic guy around

[Regretfulman]

I just have so many questions, why does she call? i know she may want me as backup, she has a history of going back to old boyfriends, not while i was with her though, just in general. She has a hard time being alone, and a hard time saying good-bye to someone she cares about. i think my best bet is to walk away and let her wonder for a few months, what do u think?

[patience]

do you love her?

you've got to admit it to yourself before you can tell her

[patience]

I think that if you love her, you should tell her...so that you don't keep wondering 'what if' and torturing yourself with what could have been. After telling her that you love her (if you do) and want her back, the ball is then in her court.

 

Don't be "friends" if you really want more...it's VERY painful, and it is also like living a lie.

 

If you are serious about her, step up to the plate and put your heart on the line.

[Regretfulman]

So you think I should tell her I love her, and then just walk away and let her decide? I've heard that advice before, but im scared. I do think i love her, and i would like to tell her, but she is seeing someone new, i don't think she would drop him just because i said those 3 words, do u?

[Regretfulman]

Everytime we talk she tells me things like this: "I dont see myself marrying you", "We aren't meant to be", "I care about you but I dont want to be with you anymore", i would feel silly telling her how i feel just to have her throw it in my face, but who knows, they say those 3 words are very powerful, only thing is, she told me many times before and i never told her, she could get sweet revenge if i told her, and shut me out, its scary

[patience]

generally speaking,a woman doesn't want to hear, "I think I'm in love with you" she wants to hear, "I'm in love with you"

 

maybe you need time to figure out how you really feel...you seem uncertain about your feelings

 

if she is in love with you, those three words will mean a lot to her...but if you are not certain, don't play games with her

[Regretfulman]

I know that those 3 little words are the only thing i have left to do, my last resort unless she gets sick of the new guy, im afraid to lose my last weapon, cuz then i know its just going to be a waiting game, and i hate those

[patience]

Everytime we talk she tells me things like this: "I dont see myself marrying you", "We aren't meant to be", "I care about you but I dont want to be with you anymore"

 

oh...whoa! That's harsh. Okay, that changes my advice!

 

why are you still talking to this woman? She is saying some pretty harsh things to you.

[Regretfulman]

i would not say " i think im in love with you", i would say "i love you", im not stupid, lol, just last night we talked and before we got into a fight she told me that i was behaving like the victim, when in reality she was the victim. She said " you know how many times i said i love you and you never said anything back?" " do you know how many times i asked to be with you and u said no?" she basically made it sound like she was the one who suffered all along, and i guess she did

[Regretfulman]

You have to understand she is known for saying one thing and meaning another thing. She plays games, hard to get, all that stuff, her actions are what count, and she is calling me, missing me, thinking of me, and this new guy is nothing but a distraction, im hoping

[patience]

you have to say the words and follow through with actions

 

is she in love with the new guy...is she serious about him?