At a crossroads

[robjones]

Hi.

 

Was wondering if anyone had any advice on my current situation.

I've been married for 2 years, and was with my wife for 2 years before that. Next year we are supposed to be moving out of the country, forever.

 

Our relationship doesn't seem to have any passion in it at all, and hasn't done for a couple of years now. My wife says she has been "feeling funny" about me, which she did before the wedding - i.e she is not sure how she feels. Before the wedding, I just put it down to her being depressed, but now I'm starting to think like I've been convincing her to stay. I'm not sure how I feel about her at the moment - we are the best of friends and very comfortable with each other, but neither of us are 100% sure if we love each other, or even what love is.

 

Recently I've caught up with one of my old friends, who I have liked / loved for over 15 years and my feelings for her have once more emerged on the surface... I cannot stop thinking about her at at all. However, one problem is that she is now single, but 4 months pregnant from her ex, someone who she doesn't ever want to get back with.

 

I'm at a loose end... not sure what to do. any ideas?

[Hasie]

Hey Rob

 

First of all, just want to welcome you to enotalone. The people here are great in assisting you with your problems and you know, if you ever feel like chilling out around, you get some interesting thread.

 

In regards to your question, first thing that came to my mind was... do you have any kids? and the second... how is your sex life? I'm in a long term relationship myself with the duration close to yours I'd admit. Except we're not married yet and apart from the finance, I'm not terribly sure if I'm ready for it yet - i'd take marriage pretty seriously.

 

I think from time to time we all think about what it's like to be with someone else, and that is really dangerous. Are you willing to compromise your whole relationship and marriage of 2 years for a person you liked/loved over 15years? Relationships in my opinion is hard work, there's usually a lot of compromising (from at least one side).

 

Communication - that's almost my favourite word here on enotalone (and thank god it's not banned!) I really think you should communicate. What exactly is wrong? Is it the passion, the togetherness, who's making it worse? Perhaps you would not know the answers to all of those questions. It could be even possible that the fact you are thinking about (unless I'm wrong) other women is making your current relationship worse, it's always easier to not deal with problems.

 

I really wouldn't suggest you to leave your marriage. However sometimes it is for the best, talk to your wife, funny about what? Is it because she's not feeling the passion that was once there, that things seem more boring now than it once had? Or is she also thinking of other people?

 

It's natural to think of others in a long term relationship and if I could help myself I would do 0% of it coz it's influencial and affects lotsa things. Sometimes I think it's just the passion, she misses the passion and the intimacy and I think you would too.

 

At the moment I don't think I'd comment to much coz there's too many reasons. Talk and provide me a little bit more light to the situation. Try and make it work, you got together and sticked together and married each other coz there was a something there. I think she's just urging you to address the issue to try and make you worried by saying she feels funny and giving you that indecisive feeling.

 

Hasie

[Hasie]

Have a thought about how you got to here with your current relationship anyway... there has to have been love in it. What was it that made you want to even think you'd be with this person for the rest of your life and where did it go? How about going on a holiday or some romantic date see if it makesa difference?

 

Hasie

[robjones]

Thanks for the welcome.

 

No kids - my wife doesn't really want any and I don't think she does in the future, whereas I wouldn't mind. Our sex-life isn't... once a week, if that.

 

I'm at a position where I can see myself in 40 years time either regretting not staying with my wife and moving to Oz, or regretting that I never got a chance to go with this other person, who I've wanted to be with for 15 years.

 

My wife and I have spoken about this... for me it is the passion, plus recently there are things that my wife does that just really annoys me. Yes we have a lot of fun together, but there isn't that "spark" there, like there used to be when we first started going out. I remember having these feelings back before we got married for this other women and was thinking about leaving then... but I didn't do it. My wife doesn't know how I'm feeling about this other women though (although she does know of how I have felt about her before).

 

My wife says she just doesn't know what she feels... she says that when we are alone, she prefers the "me" that is around when we are with other people. Before we got married, she says she was thinking of another person, but I think that may have been the depression causing these thoughts.

[Hasie]

Well if you're so sure of it. Perhaps it's time to tell her how you feel. After all she deserves to know right?

 

Alternatively I suggest you take this other "friendship" of yours slowly. MAYBE you're just one of those people who really likes change (ok in bed, a lotta guys do need change but I'm not talking about that) and you might end up doing the same to her and lol even going back to your current wife. In addition, take your time, be sure about your thoughts before you go making any moves.. make sure YOU know what YOU feel.

 

I guess that's all I can say for now.

 

Hasie

[redandblack]

I feel for you.

 

It's easy to get comfortable with your life and how things are going. It's even easier to become comfortable with someone you're in a relationship with. When this happens I usually try to think "have I taken anyone/anything for granted?" "If I was to die would I have any regrets?" These thoughts may seem cliche, but they get me thinking in a hurry.

 

Think about what has changed between you. You seem to have identified the lack of 'passion' which is a good start. However, there are almost indefinitely root causes. Think back to when you first met and how you were. If anything, how have you changed? Are you happy with who you are right now? Did you loose any hobbies in the past two years? Think down these lines and you might find your answers.

 

I, personally, am a fan of fixing things. You invested two years of your life to marriage to this woman, is it all just so you can run off with someone else? What makes you think that this relationship will be so much better? And if things go sour there, will you just run to someone else?

 

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I hope it makes you think deep before you make any decisions. As the previous poster mentioned, communication is key. I believe anything can be overcome with strong and open communication.

 

Good luck, and feel free to post as much as you like!