This is doomed to fail, I just know it.

[Cami]

A couple of weeks ago I went down to visit a friend at another universit. While I was there I met up with Tom, a guy I'd been to college with and had fancied throughout all of college. Even after being away at uni for a year I still kinda fancied him. Anyway to cut a long story short we spent a really fun evening together and he ended up telling me he's liked me since the first year at college and that he wants us to be together. I said no at first because of the distance, we are at different uni's which are miles away. But he was persistent, saying we could make it work, that we could go and visit, that he'll phone, that were at hom more than uni... Then he kissed me and I just thought what the hell, why not? Anyway, I went home and didnt c him for three weeks, until he came up this weekend. I had a fantastic time with him this weekend! It was lovely, we got on so well (we always had). The thing is i dont know where i stand. I dont know what were doing. Its not really a relationship seeing someone every three weeks. He doesnt call much either, once a week, and he'll text every other day, infact I text him more. I dont think he understands the situation he agreed too, he thinks calling once a week is enough and then seeing eachother every three weeks. He's never had a gf I dont think he comprehends the concept of a relationship. The thing is I want a realtionship, a real relationship. I want a bf whose there for me, someone i can talk too, spend time with at uni rather than being constantly alone... Its just not enough speaking on the phone once a week. Its not him thats the problem, he's wonderful, its the situation, I just think its doomed. Should i get out of it now or see how it goes, at least give it till after the christmas holidays, when we'll have a whole month together at home?

[smallworld]

Cami, this is the sensitive kind of conversation that's best discussed in person, but if you can't wait til the holidays, call him! Assuming he's never had a gf, it's likely that he's unaware of how much time and attention a gf truly entails. I know romance novels, movies, and fairy tales sell us on the idea that guys are just supposed to read our minds and know what we want, but reality is that they're very human just like us.

 

We all have different definitions of what a satisfying relationship involves and what it means to be "loved." He just needs a little education in what those things mean to you. What is it you really need and want in order to be happy? Can he give those things to you? If not, then maybe it's best you remain friends. But before you toss someone so "wonderful" aside, give him the benefit of the doubt and "renegotiate." You might just be happily surprised by the end result.

[Beec]

OK, you are faced with a problem on the third and seldom recognized level of commonality.

 

The first level is common interests. If we cannot do things together or talk about things to gether, we cannot even get started. So we need common interests.

 

The second level is values. If you bnoth don't value the same things and think certain values are of the same importance, it just won't work.

 

The third level is that you each need to see your roles as the same in a relationship. He needs to see you in the role in which you see yourself, and you need to see him in the role in which he sees himself. OK, there seems to be this discord on this level, for now. it may very well be that he sees you and him in the same type of relationship in a year or a few years. The issue for you is kind of two fold: How long can you deal with a more casual relationship than you want; and how do you get him to want the relationship you want.

 

The first thing I would figure out is how he imagines his future ideally. Not with you or without you, but what kind of life? Married or not? if so, what is his role, what is his wife's role, kids or no kids? how many? etc. If the long term roles are ok, then you might accept the short term for a longer time. If the long term is really out of whack, why bother?

 

Seond, you need to realize that he is being very aloof, which you do, and in part this is somewhat attractive. In the short term, love is a deal, a bargain, you get something for what you give, and you want a lot for what you are offering. He wants the same, a good deal. The person who acts aloof and independent gets more, because they ask for less. Indeed, they don't look that interested in what you ar eofferrign, so you continue to offer more and more. Of course, if both people are aloof, then nothing happens.

 

So what you do instead is have an on and off switch. If you usually text once a day, stop for two days. See how he reacts. If he texts you because he was missing your texts, great. If nothing happens, then you will need to use some other on and offs.

 

The thing is the on should be whatever make shim feel great. Whatever works for him, give him some then stop. If he reacts immediately and tells you he likes it, tell him that if he is good, he will get more of it soon, and say it being sexy and confident. The stuff you give him is like a little reward, but it should come at unpredictable times. This is designed to create an obsession in him for you. It works like a person gambling. The excitment and unpredictable nature creates tension before the end of the bet, and if you win your spirits soar.

 

You also need to slowly increase your price. If you go along and he does not pay you enough attention, calling you once a week. And then you suddenyl tell him he must call you everyday, that is a big increase in your cost to him (I am not talking just about money). Increase your costs slowly, over time. He has indicated a willingness to pay some costs. Don't rasie then too quickly.

 

They way you indicate you need more is not by demanding it, but by not responding to the same thing as quickly, as much, as often. Don't ask for more, respond less to the same thing.

[Jadtt]

Ummmmm......

 

If you get into any situation with a negative outlook and negative thoughts....then, yes, it will fail. You will subconsciously do anything and everything to make it fail.

 

If you get into a situation with a positive outlook and positive thoughts, there is a much better possibility that it will work out.

[Beec]

Ummmmm......

 

If you get into any situation with a negative outlook and negative thoughts....then, yes, it will fail. You will subconsciously do anything and everything to make it fail.

 

If you get into a situation with a positive outlook and positive thoughts, there is a much better possibility that it will work out.

 

Good advice. I am liking the stuff Jadtt is writing.

 

Henry Ford said something along the lines of the person who thinks they can and the person who thinks they cannot are both right.