i want my family to be happy again.

[thegirl_00]

It started when i was about 8, my parents picked up a really horrible gambling problem. They would spend 100$ a night and they would usually go out every second day or even everyday on bad weeks. I'm now 17. about 6 months ago i got into drugs. my parents we're so afraid and they blamed it on themselves, but we all wanted to get better so we all went to get help. after 2 months of all of us quitting out habbits, my parents started gambling again behind my back and i started using drugs again behind their backs. To make a long story short, things are getting worse. My dad has severe depression, my mom used to be too but she got help and she goes to an addictions class twice a week. She still struggles with gambling but shes on her way to recovery. My dad on the other hand is not, he's become very mean towards the whole family (expecially my mom). My mom wants to leave him, and i don't blame her, but i feel like i'm in the middle of it all. I love dad, as a child my dad was truly amazing, a great father. But now he's very mean and it just kills me inside to see him this way, so for these last 3 months iv been very very distant from him. When my mom leaves him, it would be best for ME to live with my mom since she is strong, but i know i wont. I can't leave my dad like that, i want to help him and my family but i feel like i still need to help myself still. if anyone can help me at all it would be great, but if not it still fealt great to get that off my chest. thanx.

[CBenninger]

"I can't leave my dad like that, i want to help him and my family but i feel like i still need to help myself still"

 

Sweetheart, your desire to help your dad is quite natural, but it is not your job to take care of your parents. It was their job to take care of you.

 

It sounds like you have a family that is full of love for one and other, but is also riddled with complex problems. My dad was a compulsive gambler (he is dead now) and I am from a very large family that has seen it fair share of addiction to drugs and emotional problems. Let me see if I can offer some advice.

 

First of all, know that you are not alone. There are so many families today that struggle with the same issues. People are very good at hiding the skeletons in their closets.

 

Secondly, this is probably a difficult proposition for you to accept at such a young age, but as you go through life you will find that your greatest emotional pain will be associated with your childhood family. While you and your parents will always have great love for each other (as you should), the sooner you accept the fact that you cannot help or change your parents, the sooner you can pursue a sucessful and happy life for yourself. You can break the cycle of family unhappiness.

 

Next, I would tell you to resist drug use at all costs as it will ruin your chances for a good life (I was a drug user at one time and it had a profound and negative impact on my life that I can never undo). You are almost of age, so hopefully you are going to be graduating from high school soon.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: GO TO COLLEGE! Whatever it takes, no matter what you do in your life do this. Find a college that is not in your hometown, but not so far away that you cannot go home for the weekend if you want or need to (say a couple hours driving time). I think having this distance from your family for a while will help give you some perspective. At the same time, you will being getting a college education which will be the greatest investment in yourself that you will ever make. A college education will not only provide you with a way to make a good income, but it will provide you with a level of insight into the human condition that will amaze you.

 

You will always love your parents and they will always love you, but do not give up your chance for a happy life in the future because you want to help your parents. And for heavens sake, PLEASE do not give in to the cycle of addiction. No one wins in that situation. Not you, not your parents. Statistically, there is a very good chance your parents will never change their behaviors and will always have some amount of strife in their lives because of those behaviors (we all have to live the consequences of our actions and no one can change that for us). However, you do have the power to give your parents a gift that they will cherish for the rest of their lives. Something that will make them happy and proud every time they think about it. Something that will be a shining star of goodness for them for the rest of their lives. . . .Go out and be sucessful and be happy.

 

Do you think your parents want you to follow in their footsteps? As a matter of fact, I would bet that they are wracked with guilt inside thinking that they have negatively impacted your chances for a bright future. This is something they would never discuss with you, but believe me, they carry a great deal of guilt. It is difficult for someone as young as you to understand the feeling of guilt, as you have not had enough time in life to create anything to feel guilty about. Real guilt does not happen instantly, it builds over many years and becomes the most persistent, futile, and oppressive weight a human will ever experience. Your success in life will certainly alleviate some of that guilt for your parents.

 

In closing let me give you a simple rule to live your life by. This rule can be applied to any situation life can throw at you. When your life is feeling turbulent and you don't know where to turn repeat this mantra and apply to the situation at hand:

 

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE

The courage to CHANGE the THINGS I CAN.

And the wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

 

Your parents behavior is something you cannot change. Going to college and making a great life for yourself is something you CAN change. Good Luck Sweetie!