should I call or E-mail her with an explaination

[JoeyTrot]

Here's my story. I'm a 37 yr. old male. I was going out with my now ex-girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. It was a steady relationship. It ended 2 weeks ago & I think it wasn't done the right way. You see, I just walked away...didn't even call her...just stopped calling. She took the hint & didn't call me either. I feel so low. After 2 1/2 years I think I should have at least gave her a reson..even if it really wasn't the truth. I just had to get out!!. She took up all of my time. There is so much more to this but this is my basic situation. After 2 weeks, should I call or E-mail her with an explaination or should I just let it go. What is done is done????. Please, I would like some feedback. Thank you all & G-d bless

[doblersdream]

Hi JoeyTrot

 

Welcome to eNotalone.com

 

Your first loyalty has to be to yourself, so if you feel guilty about the break-up, and think that it might make you feel better to talk to your ex, then maybe you should. I would be careful about the way you do it though, as she may see it as an attempt at reconciliation.

 

My advise would be to talk to her in person, not by telephone or email. It shows respect.

 

Best of luck with whatever you choose - i'm sure it will be the right way.

[hoppy26]

to be honest.........i think what you did stinks. your guilt isnt ten times what she probably feels. i was walked out on and i can tell you that is what hurt me the most. not that she didnt want to be with me, the fact she didnt respect me enough to tell me why. if your half the man you should be, youll call her and tell her why you left. and to be honest one more time she's better off without you. how could you be so spineless to someone you were with for 2-1/2 years? your 37 years old and your actions are those of someone in there teens.

[cookies]

well JOey, nobody is perfect and we all are guilty of making mistakes that sometimes we look back on, regretfully. Before you can move forward, you do want closure in this chapter. That was not such a considerate way of ending a relationship....ad dont be surprised at whatever her reaction will wind up being.

 

I agree, talking in person is the best approach, and I would like to ask that you try to maintain ur anger, as she gets her frustration out on how u abandoned her..which u did. Listen as much as u talk, to understand completely how much u hurt her, and how shes reacting to it, so that u can help her thru it with as much ease of pain as possible.

 

Im your age, and just couldnt imagine being in a fulfilling relationship with sumone for that long, and they just walk out with no explanation. And if she didnt contact u, there may have even been signs leading up to this possible breakup...

 

good luck...

 

cookies

[SwingFox]

Hi Joey,

 

I am sorry to hear that your relationship with this woman didn't work out the way you planned it. I understand that it must have been very hard in your relationship.

 

Communication is a very important issue in any relationship, even if it's ending. It gives closure to both parties involved. As you can see you have regrets and I admire your courage still thinking of respecting her, even though that what you have done might not have been a good idea. I would suggest that you talk to her in person to get things done. I hope you'll also have the courage to express your apologies.

 

Towards hoppy26 I would like to express my concerns. I totally understand your feelings. I also underwrite your words, but the truth is that eNotalone.com is a site for advice. It's easy to judge. May be something to consider in future?

 

With these words I wish everyone good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[cruisin]

JoeyTrot,

 

I find your situation interesting. I agree with hoppy26 in that what you did sounds like it really hurt someone. At first it looked like you were understanding the consequences of your actions and were wanting to change but on second look it actually appears to me that you are now being driven by mere guilt. The idea of thinking you could even begin to make amends to someone by emailing her after dumping her is difficult to fathom.

 

I ask that you try to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to empathize and realize that all your actions have consequences for others as well as for yourself. One must always strive for balance in these consequences. Many people on this board are at the other end of the spectrum from you. I am not saying one is worse than the other. You are feeling pain too but both your pain and hers could have been alleviated if you had thought of the consequences of your actions for BOTH of you, weighed those consequences and THEN decided on your actions.

 

Call her if you are truly ready to empathize but only then, otherwise your actions are again, merely selfish but done in the guise of caring, which will likely cause further hurt for your ex.

 

And Swing Fox, the difference between judging and critiquing a person's actions is often a fine line. With so many people extremely hurt by the very same path that Joey Trot has chosen, I would hesitate to be critical of a poster's choice of words. Many of these people are NOT judgmental ENOUGH and thus get themselves into these kind of unhealthy relationships, only to be hurt again and again. Some of them are at last finding their voices on this board. Remember, you are a moderator, but they, through the nature of this board, are often the wounded, trying to recover and learn through hearing and advising, though their advice may be misguided, even wrong. But this interplay is what is so important, not the correctness of their words.

 

Your "advice" to hoppy26 to "consider" this "something" in the future means to me that he should censor the expression of his feelings. It's this self-censorship, this self-doubt and self-questioning of one's feelings that so often leads to the perpetration of toxic relationships. People fail to realize they have can have a say in things. And on the other side of the fence, people are spared the consequences of their actions because they are spared criticism, even when harsh criticism is called for.

[JoeyTrot]

UPDATE....

 

Yes, thanks for all your advice & help. I really screwed this one up & I hope that everyone who read my posting WILL NEVER follow in my footsteps.

 

I called her earlier tonight after 2 1/2 weeks. I sat thru a 9 min. verbal berage of curses & real nasty things were said by her. I let her vent. I said very little. There is a whole lot more to this. However, I am not a writer nor really would I like to go further in detail. It's just a sad sad sad situation & it is ALL 100% my fault. Please, if you are thinking about ending a relationship whether it is less then a month or over 20 years..DO NOT EVER..EVER..DO WHAT I DID!!!.

 

Thank you again. This is my final post on this. G-d bless you all

[Genesis]

You are trash it is to late now! send her a email, but expect to get an ugly email back in return you coward!