fallen for a friend

[mroscoe]

I have had a complicated friendship with a girl, which about to be over. I am almost sure that I can't make things right again but I just wanted to get your opinion. Here it goes:

 

I met her about a year ago. She seemed to remind me of an ex-girlfriend, she was personable, smart and pretty. Both of us were new to the city, and didn't know many people so we were spending a lot of time together. We shared common interests and we were having fun together. Before long I realized I had feelings for her. Even though I didn't tell her, she must have noticed too because she was distant somewhat, she didn't talk to me much when we were in a group, she started finding excuses not to spend much time with me etc. Anyway I was still around her, when she started dating someone else.

I went away for vacation for about a month, dated another girl in that time. I was thinking I was over her.

 

When I came back, we started hanging out a lot again. (Her boyfriend lives in another town) She must have thought we could be friends, since she is with someone else and I had been with someone else. She was again that sweet and caring person that I liked in the first place. We talked about everything and had laughs. That is when I started falling for her for real good. I didn't tell her anything for months. It seemed we had a very good friendship, which I didn't want to damage.

 

And one night when we were drunk, I started rambling on about how lonely I was and how lucky her boyfriend is. I didn't say how felt but she started acting weird again. She called me only when she needed something or help, we would only spend time together on her terms. We had some arguments but nothing came out of. She kept calling couple of times everyday (so did I). We would say how good friends we are. But it seemed like she was abusing my interest in her. And I was losing my self esteem, because I wasn't able to say 'no' to her. I also acted weird, I somewhat wanted to rationalize the effort that I spent for her, so I asked her to make more time for me, when she said I was being too persistent.

 

This went on for four months, until one day I got mad at her after being stood up for hours. She asked me what was wrong, and I spilled the beans. I didn't expect her to start a romantic relationship with me; I just wanted her to know how I feel. She was pretty upset, she said she thought of me as a friend, but I turned out be someone with hidden intentions, and she said she did want to talk about it again. I called her once when she said she did not want me to call her. We did not see each other for weeks except for a couple of coincidences, where I tried to act like nothing happened. But recently she called me a few times, to ask for simple things in which she doesn't really need my help.

 

I know there is not much to be done after all this. But I really care about her as a friend too, but I am somewhat angry at her because I think she must have stopped calling after she realized I had feelings for her. I just want to get an idea on what she thinks about me. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[FATKID]

There is a good chance she is questioning your intentions overall. She is correct in assuming that you had ulterior motives, although you sound like you were a genuine friend. She, however, probably doesn't know this. She may very well be thinking that all the time you spent with her, all the things you did for her, and all the things you shared with her were only things to facilitate you being close to her and, ultimately, help create an intimate relationship with her.

 

You have to understand (which you may), that women think very differently than men do about many things. When a guy finds out that a female friend of his likes him, he is most likely going to be excited about it and, if he's alone, he may try to pursue a relationship with her. Women, on the other hand, tend to question the motives of the guy who recently spilled the beans, so to speak. And rightfully so. Women are accustomed to being used mildly by men posing as better friends than they really are or want to be in order for them to be closer to them. Men make this common mistake of letting their romantic intentions go unknown to their love interest. They just dig themselves deeper with the guise of friendship (I'm not assuming you are guilty of this, though) only to have a bigger hole collapse on them when things go awry.

 

Women don't like being lied to or misled under any circumstances (although they're really good at manipulation themselves ). Seriously though, some women tend to feel somewhat betrayed by this kind of behavior. Your friend may very well feel this way and, since it sounds like you were genuinely there for her, you need to let her know that your intentions were only to be her friend. But things changed. Now you have feelings for her.

 

You should have told her about your feelings as soon as they surfaced. Now it's time to play patchwork. She may think you were just using her and posing as a better friend than you really were. If this is the case, she needs to know the truth.

 

The likelihood of you and her getting together in the near future is slim to none. Damage has been done, but it can be mended. I would suggest telling her about your original intentions, if you haven't already, and I would do my best to move on. If she's like most women I know, it will take her awhile to get over this situation. Not to mention, if she is still seeing someone else, you must MOVE ON.

 

Good day and good luck.

[mroscoe]

Thanks for your reply. You are pretty much right about everything. What she has told earlier also supports your arguments. I have been trying to move on for a long time now. I know it is only matter of time. And I understand that she doesn't want to see me at least for a while.

 

I did not tell her how I felt earlier because I knew she wouldn't feel the same way, and it would complicate things. (which turned out to be correct after all).

And I never expected her to show any romantic interest in me. I really thought we could be friends. But I cannot say that my intentions were always friendly, I liked spending time with her of course. This is why I feel somewhat guilty.

 

But I think she must have been aware of my feelings, is it too hard to tell if someone likes you, especially if you spend so much time together?

That why I am confused a lot. If she knew already, why is she feeling betrayed now?

 

And this is the reason I told her how felt: I started thinking that she was using my interest in her, and ask me to do things for her, knowing that I cannot say 'no'. If I was thinking clearly at that moment, I wouldn't tell her anyway. I should have limited seeing her silently, but the damage is done.

[FATKID]

Either way, it kinda sounds like she's using you, or at least was. I didn't want to say anything until you mentioned what you did you your last post.

 

Do you feel that she was?

[mroscoe]

She was usually a good friend. But sometimes she would ask things that you would not expect from a 'regular' friend. If she knew how I felt, she should not have done it. She said she was not aware of my feelings by the way, which I seriously doubt.

 

That is partly why I feel bad about the whole thing.