jealousy or crush?

[nuts]

hi guys

 

im in a real bad position right now. i just moved in with a whole bunch of new people at university. i really like most of them and we all get on really well. the problem is, i think i might like one of the guys a little too much... after knowing him a short while i think he's a really cool guy. he's very good looking, good dresser, good build, etc. and i think im getting a crush that i really dont want!

 

if for no other reason, i cant like him like that because he's straight. not to mention, he doesn't know im not... anyway i just want to be friends with this guy, i have to stop liking so much him asap. when he's hanging around other guys and not me it kind of upsets me, i cant let that carry on. any suggestions?

 

i think im also jealous of him. that's very odd. i really like a lot of thigs about him but i think a lot of it has to do with me being envious of his characteristics, looks, dress sense, all that stuff. yet that just makes me like him more.

 

help please! i would be so much appreciated.

[melody625]

Hey,

If he's really all that you should try to be friends with him. If he's worth your friendship, he'll respect who you are.

[darkblue]

Psychologists say that the more we interact with people - the more we build our impressions of them.

I.e. It's likely that if you like him now, and get to be close friends with him - the crush won't go away.

 

Maybe if you kept away from him for a while?

[tobermoon]

I'm not sure what kind of answers you were hoping for, and I wish I could cheer you up, but...

 

Years ago, I went through a very similar scenario. I was 21, we met at a job and started spending time together as friends. However, I was in the closet and he was supposedly straight. I began to envy his life, he was popular and handsome, fit and well dressed. He was a talented salesman and incredibly charming. I soon found myself jealous of any time he spent with other people and wanting to be around him as much as possible. What started out as a crush became an infatuation of sorts, all the while I was telling myself that I wasn't gay but secretly wishing he was. He even had a girlfriend and seemed to be everything that I wanted to be and be with.

 

After several months of friendship he suggested that we rent a place and move in together. The problem that I kept running into was EXPECTATIONS... what was happening, where could it lead.

I was totally into they guy and living with him, completely emotionally overwhelmed by never being able to express my feelings. It evolved into one of the most heartbreaking moments in my life. His girlfriend saw through me and knew about my feelings, she slowly turned him against me until he wouldn't even speak a word to me. I knew I had lost something that I could never get back, even his friendship.

 

There is a moral to this story... and you probably wont like it much...

As long as you have romantic attraction to someone, you will most likely not be able to maintain a healthy, normal friendship with them. If you want to hold on to some thread of hope, hiding your sexuality will only make matters worse. At least if you come clean, you can begin to establish whether he is the type of person you can truly be friends with and go from there. Oh and BTW, straight(ish) guys can play a smitten gay admirer like nothing else.

 

Sorry if this seems a bit of a downer, I just wanted to warn you of the dangers. Each situation is unique, however, and can play out in a multitude of ways. Just be true to yourself and find people that with accept and support you whenever possible. True friends are the ones that pick you up after the romances fall apart

[sportsbunny]

all the while I was telling myself that I wasn't gay but secretly wishing he was

 

he's straight. not to mention, he doesn't know im not

 

Those 2 quotes fit my situation perfectly... but with a female, obviously. I've been in a similar situation, but thankfully, it was just a crush. Nothing more...so it didn't really develop into anything. But, I found that the closer I became as friends, the more I lost interest. I think, just like any situation, you need to give it time. Don't be totally upfront unless he initiates something. Otherwise, just try to be friends. You can have your romantic feelings, but they'll eventually go away if it's only a crush. But, if it's more than a crush, I hate to tell ya, it ain't going nowhere.

[Jinx]

As I believe has been stated in another reply, crushes, lust and infatuation eventually fade away. Love is what remains years after the intial attraction.

 

For a lot of people they can tell when it is a crush because as soon as something unattractive that is characteristic of that person rises to the surface, the crush goes poof with little effort. Eventually the habit disturbs the admirer and thats that.

 

Infatuation I've seen paired with envy, that may be the case. They like the person, but even more they like something the person does. I mean this in the light of yes there is the personality and attractive features BUT also clothing, style, and other related traits.

 

If after you've known him long enough and have noticed the good, the bad, and the ugly of him and still accept it thoroughly without problem its probably a lot more than a simple crush. His true self will be the breaker.

 

Nonetheless, before I am too far off topic, and trying to make the above relevant. If you are truly sure he isn't straight, or more so, truly sure you're not interested in pursuing, then find something about him you don't like. Most people start out like sugar and some sour quickly after. Meaning, you've only known him x amount of time, and after so long his true self may show through and you'll be able to move onward.

[nuts]

well the good news is that i havent seen him for a couple days as he's been away. i havent thought of him a whole lot either, not until he's brought up or mentioned in conversation anyway. but when he is the topic, those little (okay, big) feelings of envy kick in again. its definitely not infatuation (not yet anyway...) as i realised the jealousy is a lot stronger than the crush feelings.

 

ugh i dont know what to do. i know that when he gets back i'll like him again. ive even seen some of his faults already, which i ended up liking, believe it or not.

 

i guess i'll just have to wait and see what happens. i dont want to stop liking him as a friend but i cant carry on liking him more than that. agh!

[UT]

You can't help that you like him. As long as he is near you and friends with you, you will feel attracted to him.

 

Have you considered getting to know him like more than a friend and see what happens?

[darkblue]

If he's straight - you're setting yourself up for pain if you continue to try and be close to him while holding feelings for him.