The Girl Downstairs... ADVICE REQUIRED PLEASE!

[hollman]

Hi,

 

I have been at Uni for just over a week now, and am living in a uni hall with 20 other people. Of all these people, i have got to know one of the girls really well - she lives in the room directly below mine.

 

It started out as just talking while cooking meals at the same time in the kitchen, walking together on the pub crawl, etc. Then one night we had a problem with a drunk guy trying to get into her room. Fortunately she wasn't in, but I realised that I actually cared about her quite a bit, so waited up to make sure she was ok. When she got in we sat in the kitchen talking while I told her what had happened.

 

Then a couple of nights ago, we were at a party together, and were the only people from our house to be there at the end. Of course, we walked back together - and she moved up and put her arm around me while we walked. I of course did the same to her, not sure whether it was because she was cold, or for some *other* reason.

 

Anyway - we got back to the house and said goodnight... and at this point i realised that I was beginning to fall in love with her.

 

Then.. last night, a few of us watched a film on her laptop in her room. We were sitting next to each other on the bed, and during the film we gradually moved closer, until she was sitting with her head on my shoulder and my arm around her. Unfortunately I happened to notice during the film that she had a lot of pictures of her boyfriend all around the room.

 

This is my problem. Should I back off and be content with just being friends, should i broach the subject of her boyfriend, or should I just carry on, ask her out and see what happens?? I'm very confused about whether she just wants to be friends or wants more. HELP??? I really don't want to go too far and ruin a good friendship (got to live with her for a whole year).... what should i DO?

[Beec]

The first question is what do you want? The second question is what will you take?

 

Whatever you want, then you will need to think about how to get her to want that too, in order for things to work out the way you want them too.

 

If you are sure the guy in the pictures is a boyfriend, then the one thing I would resolve is not to let it go so far that you think she is cheating. If she is, then you are likely to change your mind about her.

 

The first thing you need to realize is that we go for people who give us what we need and want emotionally, those who provide emotional fulfillment, make us feel special, etc. You seem to be doing that.

 

Second, we only go for such people when they remain aloof and independent, not needy or clingy. These people are giving to us without asking for much in return, or at least it does not seem like much.

This should tell you that what matters is how she feels, not how you feel, so you don't tell her how you feel.

 

Third, we want what we cannot or might not be able to have. You will need to provide emotional fulfillment to her, remain aloof, and then definitely give her the idea that she might not be able to get you, unless of course she dumps the boyfriend in favor of you. Which means, that you should show some interest in other women. Just talking to them when she sees you do so, should be enough.

 

Fourth, we will do romantically what our emotions lead us to do, then we will justify it later.

 

For more on this, check out the free principles at: link removed

 

OK, now that is love in theory. Can you put it in practice? Do you want to?

 

If I did this sooner or later you need to bust an unequivocal sexual move, probably kiss her. Shortly after you do, stop it and let her know you shouldn't because she has a boyfriend. And don't let her convince you otherwise in the heat of the moment, she needs to make a conscious decision to dump him in order to date you, about which you should make no promises.

[hollman]

One thing that i didnt mention in my post is that her boyfriend lives in her home town, about 150 miles away. She hasnt actually mentioned him, but from some of the photos of them together he is definitely her boyfriend.

 

The other problem of course is my conscience... I'm not the sort of guy that likes to "steal" a girl from another man!

 

Keep that advice coming!

 

Perhaps if we are in that situation again I should try kissing her on the cheek to see if she minds... and then maybe develop it further?? I wasn't really able to do so last night, as there were a couple of other people in the room (including her best friend and another guy who lives in the house)

[Beec]

If you are going to kiss her, then kiss her, on the lips, just as you would kiss any woman the first time. Don't grab her and yank her to you, move in slow and sure, give her a chance to say no. If she does say no, then tell her she's right, as you know she has a boyfriend and you don't want to mess that up.

 

And, if you are that worried about the boyfriend, why ask in the first place? Either you or him will end up with her, which one do you want it to be? But that's also why you do not do this unless you are sure of two things: 1. you will give it a real shot with her; and 2. she has dumped him before it gets to where you think she is cheating. If you think she is cheating, the way you look at her is likely to change. And that will screw up everything, so don't let her cheat.

 

You need to give her the emotional fulfillment, then back off, withdraw, then give, then withdraw, and when she is ready to come to you, tell her she will need to choose, because you won't if she is dating him.

[hollman]

Its not as simple as that Beec. As I've said, she is a friend too. I don't think either of us are sure what we want out of any relationship at the moment. One moment we are flirting with each other, deliberately timing going down to the kitchen to cook meals to be there at the same time as each other, etc. The next she is going to eat her dinner in her room on her own.

 

As yet we haven't done anything that I would consider to be "cheating" on her boyfriend.

 

She's a really nice girl, with a great sense of humour, and I tend to find myself thinking "i wish i could spend more time with her" rather than "i wish i could sleep with her" most of the time.

 

Last night we both had different events to go to, and it seemed as if she didnt really want to leave me. Today she waited for me to catch up with her on the stairs and we talked for a few minutes about how our days had been. Tonight she hardly spent any time with me at all - i can't help wondering whether she's "gone off me", whether she was never "on me" or whether she's worried about the problems that a relationship might cause and thereforeeee is trying to avoid any situation that might lead to us getting together.

 

And of course, there's still the underlying problem - we live in the same student house. If something went wrong in weeks or months time and we fell out, it could cause serious problems not just for us but for our housemates.