Overwhelmed with hurt and guilt

[SammerJo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and overall we have had a really wonderful relationship. What I really loved about him and his personality was that he was always sure of himself, who he was, what he wanted to do with his life, and things to that extent. Now, there is an extreme change that's come about and I'm having a hard time with it.

 

About two weeks ago we we're talking and I just jokingly comment on the fact that we hadn't had sex for a while. And we both hadn't because we're both extremely busy with work and other things. And he got pretty defensive and said we needed to talk about some things. At first I thought, "Well, there's someone else" but it turns out that it has to do with religious issues.

 

My boyfriend and I are christians.. we believe in God. We don't drink or do things we consider to be of bodily harm, we pray often, but we've never went or found a church that we thought suited us well. Anyway, he says.. "I'm not sure if having sex before marriage is right with God" So at first I'm SO hurt, because I feel that I'm gonna lose the one thing that is an ultimate show of love and affection. I think it's important to a relationship. He kept telling me that it wasn't about me, that it was about him and his peace with God, but it's hard for me to accept that after three years of being intimate. We were also eachother's first, which makes it even more special in my eyes.

 

Basically I need to know if its wrong and selfish of me to feel so hurt! And, what I should do next in relation to our relationship. Thanks so much.

[dfcannon]

I'm not religious really, but I do think religion is intelligent if followed as a true way of life. So it's from that point of view that I say this....

 

I do think you're expecting too much from him right now, since you are both Christian and the Bible is very clear about lust outside of marriage. It's his deep belief, and you of all people should respect that. There is no such thing as a relationship that is perfect, or a person who never grows or changes. Now, you're reaching a real test of your relationship's staying power. Don't blow it by getting selfish about your feelings....

 

Having said all that, there also lingers the possibility that his issue is not about his faith, but instead is about the relationship. You did mention the stress and pressure he's under. I'm sure that's what concerns you the most...the relationship seems to be not working. I think you need to gently get to the bottom of this, and if he continues to cite religious reasons for relationship problems, then the Christianity is actually standing in your way, not bringing you closer. Under that scenario, he'd be using religion to create distance between you. You've been with him for 3 years, and I think anything I've said here is fair game to discuss with him.

 

Best wishes...