How can I help my girlfrind build her self esteem?

[alecomarch]

Hi,

 

My girlfriend feels unattractive, and finds it hard to accept that she is attractive, resulting in her being very conscious of her apperance.

 

To be completely honest; she is beautiful. I think that the problem has stemmed from when she was young, and her friends and parents never telling her that she was pretty/attractive etc. So when I tell her that she is beautiful, she doesn't really believe me.

 

It has caused big problems in our relationship - mainly jelousy, and she is very sensitive to how I act towards other girls. I have never even slightly done anything she needs to worry about, and never would, but she finds it hard to trust me. She constantly annalyses other girls looks and worries that I might fancy them.

 

Jelousy caused her last relationship to split, and I'm scared that it might do the same to us. I'm completely in love with her, and would be devestated if this were to happen.

 

We have tried a hypnotherapy download for "feel attractive now", but she didn't really like that.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for how I can help her build her self esteem?

 

I'd really appreciate any tips!

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

I used to be the same way. My parents/grandparents would always compare my sister and I when we were younger and as my sister was *always* skinnier than myself, and since she had lighter hair (although now it's about the same colour), they always thought she was more attractive. I ended up nearly going anorexic one year in high school because I was so self-conscious about myself, and never believed I was thin enough. Not good.

 

However, being in university and being exposed to more people has helped my self-esteem because I got noticed more, didn't always feel like I was being compared with my sister, and also had guys start hitting on me at parties and such.

 

But what has helped my self-esteem a lot was to realize that being happy with yourself doesn't mean just being happy about your looks. Building self-esteem isn't something you can do after watching a 20 minute video. It takes time. It took me a year or so to become comfortable with myself. I also joined clubs at school, realized people valued my intellect, and this increased my self-esteem. If I were you, I would emphasize other traits besides her looks that she should be happy with (i.e. her intelligence, her skills with relating to others, really kind, etc...) and don't focus so much on looks. When I became president of a few clubs in high school, that really bumped my self-esteem as well, as I learned to be a leader and have others have confidence in my abilities. I also joined the debate club and that helped me open up a bit.

 

Just explore different things I guess. Encourage her to follow her interests (whether it be artistic, athletic, etc.) and hopefully that will help boost self-confidence as well. I know sports helped my sister (although she was never self-conscious anyway, but being the lead goal-setter on her soccer team at school seems to have helped her make a lot of friends and such.)

 

HTH,

 

Lily

[Aueft]

Sorry, this sounds cold. Break up with her, now. NOW.

 

I had a girlfriend with this problem for 6 monthes. It was -not- good. I thought I could help her and that type of crap is firmly planted. It's not going to change no matter what you say to her. It's only going to cause you to waste your valuable time that could be spent doing more productive things/being with another girl. You may not believe me, but eventually you will see how it is.

 

Edit: And do it sooner than later, because it's inevitable, and the sooner the less difficult and less painful.

 

Edit 2: Again, this is cold but it's the truth. I don't know anyone who wants to spend a year of their life helping someone else, while being unhappy doing it.

[Pattye]

it's her who has to buid her self steem. Anything you say won't make any difference at all.You can suggest her some counseling, in a sweet way. But always praise her, working or not.

[Protex]

Sorry, this sounds cold. Break up with her, now. NOW.

 

I had a girlfriend with this problem for 6 monthes. It was -not- good. I thought I could help her and that type of crap is firmly planted. It's not going to change no matter what you say to her. It's only going to cause you to waste your valuable time that could be spent doing more productive things/being with another girl. You may not believe me, but eventually you will see how it is.

 

Edit: And do it sooner than later, because it's inevitable, and the sooner the less difficult and less painful.

 

Edit 2: Again, this is cold but it's the truth. I don't know anyone who wants to spend a year of their life helping someone else, while being unhappy doing it.

 

Ouch. I think that is pretty cold.

 

I really don't think that he should break up with her, unless it gets to the point where her insecurites are all she talks aout and she doesn't go out places with him because she thinks she's ugly or something. That is a reason to break up. But not just because she is insecure.

 

My Girlfriend is also really insecure with herself, and she has NO need to be and people tell her this. It effected our relationship in the beginning because she got jealous, probably the same way yours did. But we got through it, and even though she still has some insecurities; now we talk about them. She realizes that they are silly, but also realizes that sometimes you can't help feeling them.

 

Just be there for her. Don't overuse the terms; beautiful, goregeous etc etc with her because then they will lose their meaning.

 

It's a tough situation, because ultimately she needs to WANT to feel better about herself. I just really don't think breaking up is the best option, but that's me.

[Pattye]

I also may disagree with the other advice. Why should you break up with her now? Do you love her? So try to help her.

[Aueft]

I also may disagree with the other advice. Why should you break up with her now? Do you love her? So try to help her.

 

THIS DOES NOT WORK! You can't help her. It will make -you- unhappy and frustrated. It's not healthy for you.

[Protex]

I also may disagree with the other advice. Why should you break up with her now? Do you love her? So try to help her.

 

THIS DOES NOT WORK! You can't help her. It will make -you- unhappy and frustrated. It's not healthy for you.

 

That's too broad and general of a statement. That can't be applied to EVERY girl. My girl used to be HORRIBLE with this stuff. Since we've been together, she has improved a great deal.

[Aueft]

Okay, yes. It's a broad statement.

 

However, I would bet my life that the percentage of times that similar situations end up happy/bubbly/love for everyone-like is in the minority to relationships that are similar that end up like crap and both people are unhappy in the end.

 

It takes too much time/effort in most cases.

[Protex]

Okay, yes. It's a broad statement.

 

However, I would bet my life that the percentage of times that similar situations end up happy/bubbly/love for everyone-like is in the minority to relationships that are similar that end up like crap and both people are unhappy in the end.

 

It takes too much time/effort in most cases.

 

True, in most cases. But it's always accompanied by something. Like, the poster's GF has a jealousy that stems from her insecurities that effects the relationship in a negative way.

 

There are cases where the girl is just insecure and complains to you. Those are the cases that I think are the easiest to deal with.

 

I think that the relationship WILL be a hard, hard road if she continues to let her low self-esteem manifest itself into other problems in the relationship.

 

Unfortunately.

[Aueft]

Who wants a hard relationship with an unstable, insecure person when they can rather be searching for someone who makes them much more happy?

[Protex]

Who wants a hard relationship with an unstable, insecure person when they can rather be searching for someone who makes them much more happy?

 

What if she makes him happy in every other way? And this is the only downside. I would imagine that it would a HARD breakup. And I wouldn't reccomend it because I still believe that problems like that CAN be fixed, or improved.

[BillyJean714]

You're girlfriend should be so happy to have you! This is really sweet of you to go behind her back and look for ways to help her. I wish she could see this. I think that her lack of confidence also would result in her lack of trust, but I wouldn't see any reason why she should let jealousy destroy the relationship. Sounds like her problems are really deep rooted.

 

One thing that might help her is if you reassure her, but you know, talk is cheap sometimes. It's really up to her to see it or not. As to how she can regain confidence? She's going to have to look deep inside herself for that.

 

One way that you can help her is to be enthusiastic around her. Always encourage her. And mostly, always look into her eyes with sincerity. When a girl sees that you sincerily care for her and smile at her in a way that she knows that you're crazy over her, that's how she kind of gains confidence. You cannot force that look. It just has to come naturally from your heart. I guess we can call it body language in this case? It's hard to explain, but when a girl knows that her man loves her, she knows. With the amount of love, patience, and encouragement, she will feel really empowered. It's sort of like how when a woman loves her man, she gives him her full support. She motivates and encourages him. That in itself, allows him to feel like a man to go out and conquer the world. Not literally of course, but you get what I'm saying, right? Her love for him brings out the best in him, and in turn, when she believes in him, he believes in himself. A woman works in a similar fashion. It's hard to explain. This whole process of helping her gain confidence may take some time though. Btw, hats off to you for being such a great boyfriend to her! Hope she see's that in you..I'm sure she will.

[nikhilgore]

I like aueft had a similar experience and I would completely agree with him. Eventually you end up investing so much in her since you are spending time improving her self esteem that when she finds someone else that you'll feel really spent and unappreciated. There is really nothing that you can do to help her other than send her to counselling but some people are just messed up and there is nothing you can do about it. I would be interested in hearing people who have gotten out of this with a positive result. AFAIK you're setting yourself up for a heartbreak but I know that you have to find out for yourself so best of luck.

[Caterina]

I say that there are going to be problems in any relationship. If you love someone, you should be able to put up with a few bumps (I am not talking about crazy things --- like abusive people, but annoyances, etc). If you love her, do the best you can do to reassure her and make her feel beautiful and sexy. Call her beautiful a lot and act as though you admire her. It will make her feel special and eventually will be recipricated.

[Protex]

BTW, Protex, are you really 16? Where were the boys like you when I was 16?

 

Haha, we're a rare breed? Thanks for the compliment though.

 

As for your advice, I agree with it. Personalized comments ARE the way to go; gives 'proof' of the 'you're beautiful' statement.

 

I really think it would be a shame to break-up because of something like this.

[alecomarch]

Wow! Thanks for all of the quick replies!

 

There's no way I'm going to break up with her, I'm going to give it my best!

 

Tonights going to be a big test - I've got a big family party with loads of my sisters friends there who my girlfriend is very wary of. It's difficult to stop her worrying when I can't avoid the people she's worrying about. I know that I shouldn't have to avoid them, but while we're trying to get through the problem, it doesn't help. Bad timing I guess.

 

I really hope we pull through this. I accept it will take time. I really think when we move out it will help - We are both moving to London together and she is going to start uni. I hope this helps her self esteem.

 

She's tried counselling before, and although I think it might have helped then, I think she feels that she has gained all she can from that.

[Protex]

I'm glad you're sticking with her.

 

Best of luck my friend.

[alecomarch]

last night was difficult. I had a big family party with lots of my sisters friends there who she is very wary of.

 

I did my absolute best to watch the way I acted around them so that she couldn't possibly have anything to worry about. But she still went crazy about the way I acted around them. Apparently I said 'bye' to them in a flirty way. Seriously, I feel like I can't win!

 

I'm struglling. I feel like I need reassurance from her, and appologies from her about the way she keeps going mental. I know I'm not going to get that though, and I really don't mind because I'm going to stick by her, but I just wish she could see the hurt she's causing me by putting me through endless threats of break ups etc.

 

She's gone to work now. I just hope that she's calmed down a bit by the time she gets back.

[alecomarch]

I think we've sorted it!

 

Sorry emilie85, but I disagree. I'm definitely not having fantasies about other girls. If I was I wouldn't be trying to save our relationship!

 

We sat down and talked for hours, and I tried really hard to not be defensive. Instead of arguing, we talked, and I could feel the stress just lifting off us. Previously when we have talked about the issue I have got defensive and told her that she's being silly etc. and there's nothing to worry about. I found it very hard to open up and not get angry and defensive, but we talked about her insecurities and how I made her feel, and I tried to see it from her point of view. We made a pact to be stronger and be there for each other, and not let other people make us feel insecure. At the risk of sounding very cheesy, now I feel closer to her than ever before!

 

I hope it's not just temporary, and I'm sure its going to take time to build trust etc, but we're very happy now!

 

Thank you for all the advice - it helped!

[SexySadie7]

That's great alecomarch... communication is usually the key.

I'm sure she had some problems growing up where she was compared to other girls.. that is possibly where it's coming from....

The girl poster is right though, she writes:

"When a girl sees that you sincerily care for her and smile at her in a way that she knows that you're crazy over her, that's how she kind of gains confidence. You cannot force that look. It just has to come naturally from your heart. I guess we can call it body language in this case? It's hard to explain, but when a girl knows that her man loves her, she knows."

can you give her alot of positive attention when you are in the company of other girls, no matter how pretty they are? Make sure you hold her hand or look at her alot...?

I think that will do wonders for her self esteem, because for one.. it shows the other girls you only care about HER, and it makes her feel more secure in situation where she's feeling stressed about your love or commitment to her.

You sound like a great guy btw.. and good luck in your studies at the uni.

You'll get thru this.. just trust! And follow your heart.. not what some random posters on the internet have to say... I think you are pretty together guy... All the best and happiness to you both!