I'm stuck - please don't judge me! I need help!

[rockandahardplace]

Hey, this is a first for me so please be gentle! To bring you up to speed...

I am a female at university and last year I started a relationship with another female which lasted for a year and a half. This has never happened to me before and I can only put it down to the fact that I fell in love with the person not the gender. So please, as you read this don't be tainted by this fact and read it just as someone who is in the same situation as so many.

 

We enjoyed the best year and a half I have ever had and she said the same thing. We were honest with everyone at Uni but kept things quiet with home (as you do!) The relationship as it was ended nearly 5 months ago because she said that being with another woman just wasnt what she ultimately wanted and we agreed to be good friends. Trouble is, up until 2 weeks ago she was still asking me to get back with her and stupidly, to save myself from being hurt again I said no because I didnt trust her with my emotions in that way anymore. The break-up really hurt me but i respected her decision and never pleaded or begged.

 

All of a sudden, she's just completely pushed me away and told me she wants to be without me for a time to sort her head out. This hurts so much. I'm not someone who finds others easy to trust. i have been seriously hurt and humiliated by men in the past which is probably why i found her so appealing (amongst other things). I've never been hurt by a woman before.

 

I cannot deal with this though! I think about her all the time and am just so so scared that things between us are ruined - and for what? I lost her as a partner and to lose her as a friend is just too unbearable for words. She is my soulmate.

 

I have learned that in giving my all to someone really does leave me incredibly exposed and vulnerable to all kinds of exploitation, abuse and hurt. I am clinging. Really, really clinging on with a fear that shakes my world every second of every day. Fear of losing her completely. Forever. For someone who I will love so completely, forever, that's something that's quite hard to handle. I do not believe I am in love with her anymore. Truly. I do however love her with every fibre of my being and to be pushed away and disregarded in this way has confused me to the point where trying to rationalise what is actually happening and how I am feeling is all I can think about.

 

i feel like she's totally misused the trust i had in her. Never would I disrespect anyone in the way I have been disrespected. Not someone who actually meant anything to me. And so the only reasonable conclusion I can arrive at is that she really does not care for me at all. This being the case, what I really need to turn my attention to now is how to suspend her from my life - but how? It feels like some strange break-up. And in a way I guess it is. I am not delusional nor living under the pretence that we were still together.

 

Her behaviour did confuse me though and whilst I tried with all I had to be strong and say to be with her in that way was not what I wanted, was I really being true to myself? In protecting myself from further heartache and pain did I create a situation that is far worse knowing that I lied to myself as well as her? And since then, how did it all too quickly turn to this?

 

Please, please help. She is the ONLY person I can speak to about this and things as they are thats not possible right now.

 

Thankyou and apologies for the length!

[astro_girl_2005]

i was in a simular relationship. me and my girlfriend went out but she broke up with me cause it was too much for her bein with a girl shes only 18 im 20. anyway we r bestfriends now and i still love her but shes still afraid.. the thing is for me its hard to just be her friend and hold these feelings inside she knows i still like her - people r telling me to just walk away stop myself from getting hurt but if i do that then shell be hurt cause shes lost a friend just like you. so maybe she wanted u bak u said no so she had 2 push u away for her own sake.. but still u r left hurt its a no win situation. I guess try and talk 2 her tell her everything.. u feel work it out with her - goodluck hope i helped a bit.

[savannahohsavannah]

When you said you were being stupid in putting your fear of being hurt you were wrong: putting your fear of being hurt by her first sounds like a wise move. She is confused about her sexual identity and does not know where she wants it to go long term. I think she was with you as an experiment in living. And that leaves you hurt. I can sympathize with all that you feel right now, but I can tell you, you can't control a persons sexual orientation. I think the wise move is to speak with her and let her know you respect her wishes about staying apart.

 

I suppose you might be doing some introspection as well. Was this a true indicator of your sexual self: are you truly bisexual? Or perhaps an anachronistic episode? When you were a teenager, did you ever have crushes on your girlfriends? I think you should be thinking about where you want to go with this. There are some great Lesbian, Gay and Questioning Groups out there. Perhaps you can find one at your Uni?

 

In any case, good luck with this.

[rockandahardplace]

Thank you both for your opinions and for sharing your own experiences. What you've said makes total sense to me and I want to thank you for giving me a fresh perspective on whats happened - you can get so bogged down, ya know? At least I'll get some better sleep now! Thanks again both