Ex-gf doesn't know what she wants, so why hurt others?

[LotusKensho]

Hey all! My first topic to post, so here it goes.

 

My ex- and have been broken up for sometime now, but it's just been quite recent that I found out some stuff that is the bulk of what is hurting and bothering me. First off, there's a huge age difference between us. That alone says alot. But anywho...

 

Just recently, I found out, not by her, but through a friend of hers, that she NOW has a boyfriend. I'm a lesbian, and so I thought was my ex-. When we got together, she swears she always knew she was, but with school, friends, family pressure, she tried living a straight life, but always knew (her sister, who's also a lesbian, also KNEW) she wasn't. I was her first gf. When we first started seeing each other, I tried to make sure that's what she wanted and she swore up and down she is gay. She's had quite a few relationships with guys that she says she will never go back to. She lost her virginity to a one night stand before she turned 16. When turned 16, at a party, she was raped by a guy. After that, she's had boyfriends that after she slept with them (all highschool, mind you) she didn't hear from them again. She had a slow steady bf (who was 37) that she swears she never did anything with because she was still 16 when she first went out with him, but since it was on and off with him, she went on other dates with guys. The last guy she went out with, set up through a friend, raped her. That's shortly after she turned 17. All in all, before me she's been with 7 guys all by the age of 17 and she started at almost 16. With her bad experience with men, she said she'd never want to go back to men again. She was sickened, even, with the male anatomy and sickened by the thought when she remembered being with them. She proclaimed how happy she was finally being out and gay.

 

I was introduced to her through her sister, who I met online. I thought we would just develope a friendship becaue she was so young. I never entertained the thought of even dating her. But she was interested from the get go, as she told me. She liked me, as she said, when I use to talk to her sister online, even. Then when we met up for the first time, she said she knew that she liked me more than just "liked". And she slowly worked her way into my heart and we started dating. I fell in love with her sweetness and I really felt like I was her world. I knew how it was to be loved and it was by her.

 

For a good almost 2 yrs. we saw each other on and off because like any couple, we had our problems and then some, to put it mildly. But we always managed to get back together. I knew I fell in love with her and she with me, so I thought. With all the quirks I still was willing to love her. During the time we were on and off with each other, she's had a breakdown and found out she was bi-polar. She became a cutter, who she had cutting parties with a couple of boys she grew up with. Of course that's when we weren't together, cause when we were I told her none of that. And she always managed to find friends that would bring out the worst in her. Those were her "homies". But when we'd be together, she'd get out from their cluthes and she'd realize what she'd gotten into wasn't good and would stay away from them. And then there's her mom who she always had major issues with, but she always managed to see her mom as her hero. But to be be honest, iMO, her mother is what created alot of her problems growing up and that's why she's as messed up as she is. Too long of a story to this LONG one already.

 

After all her episodes and all her issues, she always told me I was the only constant thing that she knew. The constant thing that she loved. That is why the last time we got back together I told her this was the last time cause i can't handle the breakups. They're so devastating to me. With her problem, when we'd break up, it didn't mean anything to her, which always hurt me. Sometimes, at those times, I wish I was bi-polar. But a couple of months would go by and she'd realize things and she'd come back to me and we'd get back together. Cause i still loved her. The last time I really thought we'd work out. I even got her a ring, she wanted a car, so I signed for it (yeah, I know, stupid!!!) and she's the co-signer, I gave her credit card to use for an emergency...I fully trusted her cause I thought we'd reallly work out this time. We even thought about marriage and having a family. She's been wanting to have a child ever since she can remember. I finally started liking the idea and gave into it. Cause she promised to stay on with her medications and she won't let anything happen between us again. I really believed her. Well, famous last words!

 

Last couple of months we were together, we started drifting apart and I was seeing that we're not meant to be. She begged to stay together and we'd work things out, but it was all talk. She liked the idea of us being together but as far as real effort into it, it was just talk for her. We finally both agreed to end it. She wanted to stay in contact but i said maybe it wouldn't be a good idea because I know how I am. I'll start missing her and want to get back with her again even though I knew we weren't meant to be. She got a new job where she's surrounded by her peers, which was always bad. Again, they bring out the worse in her. She was better off when she hung around older people, but that's not the case now since all her new friends are ghettofied kids, iMO.

 

I found out that shortly after we called it quits, she met up with a guy from a party she was invited to on a Saturday and slept with him on Sunday. I about killed me. I know we were broken up, but I thought WE meant more to each other than all of sudden sleep with someone, much more a GUY, when she said she would never ever do again. After I found out from her friend, cause she didn't tell me, I called her up. She told me he was sweet and he was different because he bothered staying around in the morning after the sex. I thought to myself but didn't tell her, "Of course he's going to stay around, it's FREE!". I asked her why would she do that? And her only answer is, "People change!". I told her she's acting like her mom, that she said she never wanted to do. Growing up, her mom had many partners. The time I was with my ex- of almost 2 yrs. I saw her mom with 5 boyfriends and she's 50. And my ex- said when she was young, she saw her mom with alot of men and vowed not to be like that. I say NOW that apparently, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, huh?

 

Other things she told me she wouldn't do, she did. She was going to keep paying for what she promised to, last time I talked to her, but she lied about that as well. With the help from her mom, actually, i think it's her mom's idea, when I wasn't home, they brought the car to my driveway, put the keys to it in the mailbox, left the credit card bill ($3K) and a note from her mom that says, basically, they're all in your name, you pay for it. And to top it off, the note ends with, don't contact us, harass us, or we'll press charges. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? This is the same family that I trusted and loved and they do that??? I don't understand why. I know it's an easy way out, but I never saw this coming.

 

It hurts to know that you can show people all the love in the world and they'll manage to reason out that it's okay to do such mean things to someone who has done nothing but try to be there for them financially and emotionally. However i could be of help, I was there, yet they do this. Unbelievable. I have trust issues now, that's for sure. You think you know someone and they surprise you.

 

I've tried to see it from different angles to help myself understand things, but sometimes, I have my moments that clarity is out the window. All that keeps running thru my mind is WHY? Such a fool! HOW? Stupid! I know it's not good for me to think certain things, but I can't help it sometimes, seriously. Thoughts of her with her new bf and what they're doing sickens me. I don't like to think of those things, but they pop up here and there. I want to just move on and let go FULLY. In a huge way I have, honestly, but I have lingering pain still. I don't like it. And I thought I'd penn it out on this forum to see what else everyone might have to say about this. I know it's quite long, but I really didn't know how to make it shorter than I already have made it. Yeah, I've condensed it, believe or not. But writing it all out, I agree with some other posters on this forum, can be very therapeutic.

[Cadence308]

I read your story and you got taken for a ride!!!! It sounds like your gf wasn't happy with you for a long time. I think you made some comment about how she kept breaking up with you and you kept taking her back. It sounds like she knows that you would be there for her, both emotionally and then financially. She took advantage of you.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what were the ages of you and your gf?

 

It sounds like she also has some issues with promiscuity, mostly with men. I'm sure that breaks your heart. I can hear your pain through your thread.

 

I can't believe that her and her mom left you that nasty note, the car keys, and the credit card bill. Then again, nothing surprises me about people any more. There's so much pain and anger in the world and it seems like everyone passes it on to everyone else. Is there any way that you can sell the car to get that payment out of your way or even to get some money to help with the credit card bill?

 

This just happened so your wounds are wide open. I'm sure that you do have trust issues. Anyone who had a lover do what yours did to you would, too.

 

Did she at least work and help with the bills? Please don't tell us that you paid for everything!

 

You need some good friends right now to listen and help you through this. You need to focus on you right now and not another relationship. Sounds like it's too soon to be thinking about that. Take a warm bath with scented bubbles and some relaxing music...or do something to pamper yourself. You deserve it!

 

We are here if you need to vent some more.

 

Ballys

[LotusKensho]

Heya Ballys!

 

To answer your inquiry, she's 19 and I'm 34. I know, big age difference. I thought about that before I got into the relationship and also while I was in it, but she did prove to act older than her age, then. Also, like I said, her last bf, before me, was older and he was her mom's friend. And her mom said that she's always hung around older people. So, she always gravitated towards those older than her because at that time she said she couldn't stand kids her age. Well, guess she's got split personality to add to that bi-polarity cause that's all I could make out of it.

 

When I met her and what she is now are two totally different people. I even told her that! When I met her, she worked three jobs so that she could buy me a ring for Christmas. She's worked ever since she was 15 yrs. old. She was very responsible. I admired her for that. She showed me a maturity that some 20+ yr. olds still haven't experienced.

 

And she wasn't the one who kept breaking up with me, I kept breaking up with her. She only did that once, but for the most part, I did the breaking up.

 

She was paying for the car and paying the credit card bill as she promised. Even the last time we talked she said she still will do that, but I have a huge sinking suspicion her mom talked her out it. Who wouldn't go for the idea of not paying for a huge debt when you mom tells you YOU wouldn't have to? She took the easy way out.

 

There was no doubt at the time she loved me. I mean everyone who has seen her around me has said, "You can tell she loves you!", and I loved her. But things just changed for the worse. The breaking point was when she turned 18 and she had her breakdown. I wasn' around. We were broken up at the time. But alot of things went down then that I still don't know about, but I pinpoint that time when all the things became different.

 

I know she wants a baby bad, so much that she's obsessed about having one. When I talked to her mom, shortly after I found out she's slept with this guy second day she met him, I told her, just watch out for her. Guess what she told me, "I don't know about you, but when I was young I did that alot!". Oh hello, mother of God! Her mom was always the one who kept telling her don't think about settling down already with one person and having children, you're young, go and have fun. Well, NOW she's listening to mom, cause before she wanted the whole LOVE, one-on-one committment, home, children, the whole nine yards.

 

I already found someone to take over payments for the car and I'm taking my ex- to small claims court regarding the credit card and all the personal loans she owes me. I'll get my day in court. The way they just threw everything in my lap, the timing as well, was just WRONG. If anything to comfort me, i believe in divine retribution, karma, what comes around goes around. I told her mom that too. Welll, on a voicemail and text cause she sure wasn't picking up my calls.

 

I have no doubt she loved me. To prove her love to me she even got my name tattooed on her. She said, "Even if someday we break up, you'll always be my first and only LOVE!". But that person who I fell in love with, just doesn't seem to exist anymore. She would've never done anything intentional to hurt me. Yeah! The one who fell in love with me, that girl is gone!

[imagi]

It took me awhile to read through everything that you wrote. By the time I was done, I was just left with this overwhelming sense of shock and horror for everything that you've had to go through. I can't even imagine someone doing all of that to you, and then at the end financially screwing you over because her mother told her she could.

 

I'm so sorry for everything that you've had to go through. Seriously, I can't even think of what to say to that. I have no idea how I would cope with something like that..

 

 

I hope things pan out for you in the end.

[cristalgold]

I think Ballys is right. Your ex definitely got comfortable with you being there for her and took advantage. She really played you, but all you can do is chalk it up as a learning experience. Sometimes it hurts, but at least you know how she is. At least you didn't find out how cold she can be after you two built a family together, or after you've invested so much more into the relationship. I know what you're saying about the trust issues. Hopefully you'll learn to trust again. Time is a painkiller. Have faith that your wounds will heal with no scars and the pain will one day go away. In the mean time, let it all out. Definitely take time to treat yourself to something special. You deserve it, right? I hope that you get better soon enough. Don't worry about the ex. Sounds like she's got issues that she needs to work out. The negative energy will come back around pretty hard and you definitely don't want to be there when it does.