Why am I still here?

[plantim]

My life is twisted into a deformed replica of my happiness. My wife and I feel out of love a while ago. We denied it. I thought we were getting better recently. Then I find she is having an affair. I was more thean sex to her, it was an emotional attachment. We have 2 kids. One has been through a divorce. I stayed because I feel guilty that I left my marriage aand family slip away. I was a good man. Not lazy, sexist, crude; but loyal, honest, understanding, forgiving, good father. I cleaned, took care of my kids and the house. So why am I guilty? We said that we would stay for now becuase running out of the house is immature. I am going to lose seeing my kids eveyday and night. Even though she was wrong, I can't pull kids away from moms. So, I am giving up everything for them. Even giving up them. I hurts to stay. It hurts to leave. I am lost in this world of permanent decisions. I start counseling today. Big step.

[michelemybell]

Is your wife still seeing the other guy? Are you both still living together?

EVERY couple goes through a point in their relationship where they feel the love is gone or definitely not the same as it once was. Simply walking out is not the answer. The same thing will happen in another relationship guaranteed. Are you both seeking counseling together? I think you two need to work a little bit harder on this. Did she ever tell you why she had the affair?

As far as the children go, you do not give up fathering your children once you get a divorce. You make sure you are part of their life--You dont go running away just to appease her.

But before getting a divorce, please try again to work on this. Most marriages can survive an affair--even one with an emotional attachment.

Maybe you are a really nice and decent man, but maybe she was not getting the attention she needed from you. My friend once had an affair on her husband--They were going to get a divorce. Well, she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side, and her husband started coming home early from work and spending more quality time with her. Before he was too busy with himself and she felt ignored. Just doing that made her change her behavior toward him as well and they stayed together. Of course she has a lot of things she needs to change...but start somewhere, start with yourself just to see what will happen.

[Cecelius]

As a man, you are at this point not going to ever be happy now that your guts have been spilled on the floor. Many things can be recovered from, but the repulsion of knowing that your wife let another man bang her is too much.

 

If you decide to get past this, then you're strong, but to what end? You can be the father to the children still and NO ONE gains favor in the eyes of their children by letting themselves get treated like a chump.

[michelemybell]

I disagree with Cecelius. I dont believe in the "one strike youre out" rule--Not when children are involved. If your single or with no children, then definitely leave. But now you have to leave your ego out of this.

If she is still out screwing around, that is one thing. If she is physically abusive that is grounds to leave as well. If an affair happened once, it is not enough ground to destroy a family over. I think the kids will be scarred more knowing that their parents threw in the towel without much effort to remedy the situation. Passion ebbs and flows in any relationship--Its how you endure during these times and work through it that is important. They will learn a greater lesson if you dont just up and leave when you feel like it or when the going gets tough.

They will be scarred much more when they dont see their dad around. Trust me, I know!`

[plantim]

I am no chump. You are looking at the physical end of this. We both did things to end where we are. most of it ignoring the simple things.

As far as if she is seeing him. I he doesn't live here anymore but I think she talks to him. I am not going to spy on her to catch. If she is, she will have to face the music. I believe in commitment and marriage. Don't ignore the small stuff. I am dedicated to trying. As much as forgivness- I will forgive her. Not for the marriage but for me. I can"t hate. Too negative. Alhough trust is gone, I look to the future and see the slightest glimmer of hope. If we make it to that point. We can have an solid marriage of give and take. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. If we do not make it past tomorrow, I will take this experience and grow to be a better man. If anyone is a chump it would be the person who chose to make the mistake. Thank you michele

[Shadows Light]

I'm glad you got yourself into counseling. It will help immensely to sort it all out. Give yourself time to grieve. You said you fell out of love a long time ago. It happens. People grow and they should grow together.... but sometimes it happens that they grow in opposite directions.

 

You have children together. Well.. regardless of how this goes down, you both have the bond of children. Try to remember that even if you live in separate households, or will... you are still a family. And your children will always be your children. Help each other to raise the kids as best as you can. It is possible. Be descent for the childrens sake.

[nebbish]

it's togh because you can lose yourself to the other person and then where are you? you're screwed and your kids have a bad example...

 

but then if you leave the agony is just as painful because even if the relaitonship with wife isn't working out you have kids which to you seem like the most wonderful things in universe and you and wife created them and how can you hurt or leave or give up on the person who you've parented with?

 

it sucks. you owe something to your kids but you alwso owe something to yourself. striking that balance is excruciating and there's no way around it.

[Shadows Light]

And there's the rub.... you have children. And finding that balance. Losing yourself. I look at it this way... do I want to be that kind of example. Do I want my children imprinted with this type of data.. thinking that it is OK to be this way... live this way. Too many people stay married for the kids sake. My parents did that.

 

My parents divorced after 25 years. When my mother told me I said... "yeah, no kidding... why now, you should have left when we were younger." She didn't do us any favors.

 

My "X" blames our divorce on my imprinting. Your parents divorced ERGO... look what is happening to us. And you know... he may be right to a certain extent. I did NOT have a good role model of what a married loving couple should look like. But then again... neither did he. But I think I know right from wrong. I think I know that allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat or allowing abuse is wrong. Kids or no kids.

 

I know that marriage does not allow someone else the liceance to belittle you or mistreat you. I know that in a marriage you should build each other up... not tear each other down. I know that there are behaviors that you would not accept from a friend... so why allow them from your spouse, who is supposed to be your best friend. Friends show each other more respect and courtesy than some married people show each other.

 

I think... the best thing I can do for my kids is to be a good example. Learn to LIVE. Learn to LIVE my life to the fullest.

 

My 6 yr old told me the other day... the two most important things in life were..."Life Experience and Love" When I asked her what life experience was she said..."Enjoying every single day of your life. You have only once to live mom"... soooo divorce or no divorce.. I think I'm doing something right. This is hard. But you can STILL be a GOOD parent... even though there are 2 households. It doesn't need to be adversarial... it doesn't need to be competitive.... it just needs to get to a mature state of thinking. Let go of the EGO's and get a hold of what matters.