Trust Issues

[MyEyesHurt]

Hey. My ex and I are very close, it's odd I know. We both still have feeling for each other. We've been doing this on-off thing since we broke up 4 months ago and we're at the point where things are either going to one way or the other. Her issue is that she doesn't feel loved, she doesn't trust me and she want me to prove I love her. According to her there's something I'm not doing, something "simple". I really don't want to loose her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[DN]

have you given her any reason not to trust you and what does she mean by 'simple'?

 

If that is a test - don't do relationship tests.

[amour_13]

Sometimes girls just need to be shown that they are loved. Have you tried surprising her with a card or something like that? Actions speak louder than words, right? Right. When she says "simple" she is prolly referring to little things like opening a door, giving her a hug everytime you see her... just letting her know you care by small things.

Hope this helped.

[MyEyesHurt]

have you given her any reason not to trust you and what does she mean by 'simple'?

 

If that is a test - don't do relationship tests.

 

I have. When we fist started going out I cheated on her. I was at a party and I was drunk, when I realized what I did I told her. We kept going out after that.

 

"You say it but you never show it." I Don't know what im not doing...

[DN]

OK.

 

Do you want to marry her?

[MyEyesHurt]

OK.

 

Do you want to marry her?

 

She's terrified of the idea. I think we're too young anyway.

[DN]

How old are you?

 

So what sort of relationship would she like if she were able to trust you and what sort of relationship would you like.

[MyEyesHurt]

How old are you?

 

So what sort of relationship would she like if she were able to trust you and what sort of relationship would you like.

 

I'm 20, she's 19.

I love her. She wants to trust me, and she wants a normal, stable relationship. She's away for a couple of days and im supposed to figure this out before she comes back.

[DN]

I really don't like this leaving you with some sort of test idea.

 

Maybe you should just tell her that you love her and would be ecstatic if she could bring herself to trust you again. But if the simplest thing to make her happy is to break up with you, then because you put her best interests before yours you would sadly let her go. But if she would like to stay with you, you will do your best to make her as happy and secure in your love as you can.

[MyEyesHurt]

I really don't like this leaving you with some sort of test idea.

 

Maybe you should just tell her that you love her and would be ecstatic if she could bring herself to trust you again. But if the simplest thing to make her happy is to break up with you, then because you put her best interests before yours you would sadly let her go. But if she would like to stay with you, you will do your best to make her as happy and secure in your love as you can.

 

The thing is, we're not going out right now. And she want to go out with me again, and needs to know that I love her. I don't think it's so much of a test as something that I, according to her, have never done that, again according to her, is so simple and essential to every relationship. I'm not too comfortable with the idea of a test myself.

[Shadows Light]

She's away for a few days and you are supposed to figure it out. Was that the task she left you with? Are you a mind reader?

 

For a relationship to be any good... you need communication, communication, communication... out of that will come trust and respect etc etc. She needs to be able to verbalize to you how she feels and why. What will it take to make it better exactly.

 

And... yes.. women do like all the little things. The cards and surprises on days that arn't have-to days.. ie Valentines, birthday...it is all the little things that add up.

 

The two of you need to talk. You can start out by saying: "When you left me with this task of figuring out what SIMPLE things I need to do...it made me feel dumb or inadequate or whatever because I don't know exactly what it is that you want."

 

Have her be honest and spell it out. Put it on the table. And relationships should never be about... "if you do this, then I'll do that for you..." especially if the whole relationship is on the line. Thats manipulative and controlling.

 

She's gone for a few days... good. Instead of stewing over what it could possibly be that woud be the "simple" thing she wants... love yourself a little bit darlin and you take care of YOU. Go do something for you... and make you happy.

 

You'll be just fine... don't stew over it. Wait till you see her and let her take responsibility for her own happiness...

[MyEyesHurt]

That's good advice, i'll do that. Exept I know what she'll do, she'll run away. And maybe she'll come back and maybe she will not. I don't know, maybe I should just end this. Her said something like "If I tell you what it is there couldn't be anything between us anymore. But I can tell you, for your next girlfriend, save her the trouble." And that really makes me think like i'm missing something. I mean she has never done/said anything like this so called test, she not one to play mind games.

[DN]

No matter how well meant, and I wonder if it is, it is still playing mind games, and saying

"If I tell you what it is there couldn't be anything between us anymore. But I can tell you, for your next girlfriend, save her the trouble."

makes it even more likely. (btw - I take it you did apologise for cheating?)

 

Don't let her manipulate you. Either she wants a relationship with you or she does not.

[MyEyesHurt]

(btw - I take it you did apologise for cheating?)

 

Don't let her manipulate you. Either she wants a relationship with you or she does not.

 

Yes I did, many times.

Even if she is play a game, I've gathered for my friends, her friend, mutual friends that I have at times treated her rather coldly, sort of more as a friend then a significant other. I love her but maybe she's right, maybe I haven't done anything to show her that I love her. Or maybe she is manipulating me.

[Vert]

I don't think this has been suggested yet, but do you know what her "love language" is? There are five main love languages -- acts of service, words of encouragement, physical touch, gifts, and quality time -- and all of us have one MAIN language and maybe a secondary. Think about what she's saying and how she reacts to certain things. Does she love it when you tell her how good of a job she does? Then she likes words of encouragement. Does she always say you never spend any time with her privately? She likes quality time.... You get the idea.

[Shadows Light]

Did you treat her coldly on purpose... or was it just part of you're nature?

 

Can't fight nature darlin... and we all can't be "ON" all the time.

 

The relationship/courting game...it a time we find out if we're compatible..we learn each others foibles and see if we fit.... and if we find those foibles, can we live with them????

 

You should be talking to her about all of this ...not her friends...easier said than done...but that again is good communication. DR. PHIL>.. if you don't have good communication... your ships going to sink.

 

How you react to another GF in the future and the chemistry you'll share with her is different.... don't worry about it. If you descide or end up moving on... make sure you learn the lesson from this one.

 

And don't let this GF leave you with baggage that is an enigma.... "there's something that you do????" You've said you cheated...and you're contrite and have appologized over and over.... you even came clean about it.. or she may have never known. You said you may be indifferent at times....

 

Actually it not a bad thing... sometimes we shut down and go within ourselves to think... or to process... or we're learning, catching the lesson... you need that private space and time.. its not a bad bad thing.... as long as your not cold all the time. And there are people who seem distant all the time... but I guess they find people who it doesn't bother... or arn't insecure that they have to be the "FOCAL POINT" or at the center of attention all the time.... does that make sense.

 

Don't get too down on yourself. Open honest communication about what "IT" is... or what "IT is not" and if it can't be had... then move on man. Don't stress over it.