What if he says "you remind me of my younger sister?

[ducky]

Ladies: what will you think if a guy told you, "you remind me of my younger sister?"

 

This happened over the course of 1 week. I got to know a wonderful girl, and we got along really well. She was sending me signals, and I was reciprocating. Then I found out that from a friend that she has a boyfriend. Even though they were on the verge of breaking up (initiated by her bf), she was a fiercely loyal person and was trying everything to get back together with her bf.

 

It's a principle of mine not to go after girls with bf's. But I was happy to remain her friend. Asked her about her bf problems, even discussed with her how best to approach her bf. I told her that she reminded me of my younger sister.

 

While I sincerely hope that she gets back together with her bf, I want to know how a girl feels when a guy tells you that you remind him of his younger sister. Do I still stand a chance with her in the future (if she fails to salvage her current relationship that is)?

 

Update

 

Ok basically I'm including this summary of what advice I took and what happened after that. I hope fellow members can learn from this experience as well. A full exchange of PM's between myself and smallworld (with her permission of course) will also be posted at the end of this thread. In a nutshell, the advice worked!!!! Thank you ppl for giving me this chance i will otherwise never have had!!! Love you all!!!

 

- To cut a long story short, some time after posting this, while out on a school camp, she mentioned my name in her sleep.

- Called her after the camp about this, she told me not to get the wrong idea, and that she had no interest in me.

- I used the advice given to me, to drop this line on her 'You know, I would have asked you out if you were not attached'

- We met for dinner 3 days later. When she met me, the first thing she said was, 'first of all, I'm not attached'

- She continued, saying that she may have called out my name in her sleep because some of my actions reminded her of her ex.

- Eventually ended up chatting for 3 hours. I was telling her how I used send sweet messages to my ex's. To which she replied 'Yes. that's what i want in a relationship'.

 

Well I conclude that she does have some feelings towards me now. While this is mutual, I will not be her rebound guy. She still has pretty strong feelings for her ex, and is harbouring hopes of getting back together with him. So when should I move in? What should I do from here? Any advice is appreciated

 

Once again, thank you all!!!

[xixilovergirlxixi]

hmmmmmmm.... see if a guy ever said that to me i would be kind of angry just because that would make me feel uncomfortable. . Do you really like this girl? Does she know that you like her. Oh and did she get mad or did she seem upset when you said that to her?

[smallworld]

It's a principle of mine not to go after girls with bf's. But I was happy to remain her friend...Do I still stand a chance with her in the future (if she fails to salvage her current relationship that is)?

 

That's an honorable principle, but it's probably not wise to tell someone that they remind you of your sister if you don't mean it. By doing so, you're basically saying you're not attracted to her and you will never will be.

 

If she likes you more than a friend, such a comment would be hurtful. If her feelings are merely platonic, she would probably find your comments touching. Either way I think your best bet would have been to say something like "If you didn't have a boyfriend, I'd like to take you out sometime."

[xixilovergirlxixi]

thats good advice but saying you remind me of my younger sister may have scared her off

[ducky]

Wow that was fast!

 

xixilovergirlxixi: I inserted the sister remark in the middle of a conversation about our families. Well she took it fairly well, we were talking rather comfortably with each other. She even concluded with me "Yeah I am somewhat like your sister." Well there was definitely attraction between us, but her heart was and still is with her bf. Did the sister remark ruin any chance I had with her?

 

 

Smallworld: yup, I agree with you. Looking back, it's a stupid remark which I felt I shouldn't have made. How can I salvage this? Is it too late to go back to her and tell her "if you didn't have a boyfriend, I'd like to take you out sometime?" Or will that simply add to her problems as they stand now?

[smallworld]

How can I salvage this? Is it too late to go back to her and tell her "if you didn't have a boyfriend, I'd like to take you out sometime?" Or will that simply add to her problems as they stand now?

 

Ducky, I know I'm going to get blasted for this, but here goes: It's never too late to be subversive. Just say the line the next time she whines about her bf. It might add to her problems or it might make her realize that the guy she should be with is right in front of her. Who knows? That's what makes life mysterious and interesting.

 

The key thing is you use the conjunctional phrase "IF she didn't have a bf..." Once you say it though, back off b/c reality is she does have a bf.

[xixilovergirlxixi]

she took it well so im not sure. this all the suddne got very confusing

[lillady898]

A guy I used to study with actually told me this before, and it actually made me laugh... His younger sister is 8 years younger than us. I did have an attraction to him (I though he was very good looking), but that pretty much did it for me. It was just funny to think that he thought of me as a younger girl. Kinda made me smile. Oh well, other fish in the sea.

[kskm]

If someone told me (whether I was interested in them or not) that I reminded them of their little sister I would not think literally, but metaphorically speaking being protective.... and I woud think that there was absolutely no chance of getting together with them.

[ducky]

Thank you all for the replies! KSKM, lillady, lovergirl, you all made me realise the magnitude of my mistake. I didn't expect such a innocuous remark (from my point of view anyway) to have such far reaching effects.

I woud think that there was absolutely no chance of getting together with them.

On a brighter note, I certainly hope that not every girl thinks like KSKM does, for if that is the case, then I will have no case at all.

 

It's never too late to be subversive. Just say the line the next time she whines about her bf.

Smallworld, far from blasting you, I would like to thank you! I found your advice short, sweet and enlightening. You are right in every sense. I've got nothing to lose by telling her what you suggested. If I don't try, I will never know. Bottom line is, I'm confident that I will at least become a close friend of hers by the time I'm done with this. Platonic friendship? I don't mind at all. As lillady says, there are other fish in the sea.

 

Well a small update, she just texted me telling me that little trick I suggested failed to rouse her bf's interest in her. I prefer to say this to her face to face. I will be meeting her soon, probably some time next week. Intend to say something along the lines of "Cathy, if you didn't have a bf, I'd really like to ask you out right now. [pause and observe her reaction] But I'd be the happiest person in the world if our friendship remains platonic in nature right now, not least because I respect the fact that you are attached"."

 

Will this work? And what reaction from her can be judged as favourable to me?

Once again, sincerely thank you all for taking time to read through my problems. I will meet her within the next 2 weeks. It's a long time, but no matter the outcome, I will keep you all updated.[/i]

[ducky]

Exchange of PM's

(Quoted with Smallworld's permission)

 

Hi Ducky!

 

I just wanted to drop you a line and say thanks for the kind words. I wasn't worried about you blasting me so much as the moral police. Lately many of my posts have upset people, so I never know how my words will be interpreted.

 

As for Cathy, I think what you want to say sounds just fine!

 

Wow.. You've been giving her romantic advice? You're quite a friend.

 

Best wishes,

smallworld

 

Dear Smallworld,

 

I just dropped your suggestion on Cathy today. We had just come back from a 4 day outdoor camp (in which both of us were councillors for freshmen). We didn't get to talk one on one during the camp, but she was always beside me during events we were both free.

 

On the last day, I put a blanket over her while she was sleeping. She mumbled something that sounded like my name, and added, "please don't go". I called her today and told her about what she said in her sleep. She denied everything, and added that she had no interest in me like that. Then I dropped your suggestion on her. "Even if you have no interest in me, I want to tell you how i feel... I would have asked you out if you had a boyfriend.."

 

I had earlier wanted to talk to her about this over dinner tonight. But she wanted me to call her and talk to her. After sorting out our differences, I told her that there was no need for dinner since the misunderstanding had been cleared. But she wanted to have the dinner anyway. She could not make it tonight, so we're meeting on Monday night.

 

I felt sick after dropping the thingy on her. She had just emerged from a particularly bad argument with her bf. During the camp, she left her notebook with her bf. Her bf looked through her chat history, and was outraged that she was "flirting" with several other guys. In his anger, he deleted many of her personal files.

 

But I know Cathy too well. She is 100% committed to her bf, and he's the only one in her heart at the moment. Many people think that her bf is sh!t, but I told her that as long as she held out a shred of hope of getting back together with him, I'll be there to help her.

 

I couldn't help but feel that I added to her problems. I really hate giving her advice on how to get back with her bf. Sometimes, I really wish I were her bf's shoes and knew how to appreciate someone like herself. But I'm still doing it because I value her as a friend.

 

Oh well, it's a pretty long message. But I promised to keep you posted, didn't I? This is how it is turning out. Come monday night, I'll let you know whether what you said worked. In the unlikely event that it does, I'll still be feeling a little guilty about this.

 

Hi Ducky,

 

Thank you for keeping me posted! I apologize for taking awhile to get back to you. When I read your letter, I was taken aback and felt horrible for ever giving you the advice that I did. All advice has corollaries (exceptions.) In your case the exception would have to have been, don’t tell her your feelings if she tells you first that she has no interest in you romantically. This is to save you both unnecessary awkwardness and heartache.

 

Now that she knows how you feel, you have to decide what you can handle or not. I admire you for caring about her enough to try to help her work through her problems with her boyfriend, but if you’re anything like me (a human being with feelings) there comes a point in time where you have to ask yourself “Why am I doing this? Why am I betraying my own heart when it’s so painful for me to do so?”

 

If you can handle being her counselor, I applaud you. A long time ago I was in your shoes, and it took me quite a long time to get over that person that I loved so deeply that I helped them win the heart of someone else. We soon lost touch after that. It was honestly one of the most painful experiences of my life and I’d hate to think you might be in the same position now, setting yourself up for heartache.

 

When all’s said and done, please don’t feel guilty for expressing your feelings. You did what you felt was right at the time and if you’re really good friends, your should be able to work through the temporary awkwardness. I hope things go well on Monday. If I can help you in any way, please don’t hesitate to write. I extend my deepest apologies for giving you advice without knowing all the facts. I would have advised you differently if I had known the details of this letter.

 

Best wishes,

Smallworld

 

Dear Smallworld,

 

Please don't feel horrible over the advice you gave me. I still think it is excellent advice. As a guy, I will choose heartache over losing the one chance to tell a girl I really like how I feel, and the possibility that we'll be together anytime. Even with the benefit of hindsight, I would have taken the same path, and no other.

 

For me, the path ahead is simple. I will be there for her, strictly as a good friend and nothing more, for as long as she needs me around. If she, as you said, finally realises that the right guy for her is standing right in front of her, it will be an added bonus. It will be against my principles to take advantage of her situation now and badmouth her boyfriend and expediate their breakup. I will offer her true advice that comes from the bottom of my heart. But I will only wait for as long as I search for a girl I can really get along well with before I move on.

 

That day as we talked over the phone, she admitted to me herself that she sensed sometime going on between us... "something really platonic goning on"... I interpreted that as an acknowledgement that if she were not attached, we would be dating now, and that despite the obvious attraction, she has to remain loyal to her boyfriend for now.

 

Bottom line is, no damage done, you needn't worry Smallworld. As we speak Cathy just posted on my blog "Haha you are damn freaky...". As far as we are concerned, our friendship is stable.

 

As for Monday, I plan to start off with "Cathy, I was really proud of you when you reacted the way you did to what I told you over the phone, for it

proved that I have not read your character wrongly. You are a very loyal person, and this incident has proved just that... blah blah..." Hope that is enough to salvage a friendship, if there was ever a need to salvage one in the first place.

 

Once again, THANK YOU for taking the time to reply to my PM's. Your efforts are not wasted, I have defintely learnt and matured from this, and I'm sure I still stand a pretty good chance with her in the future.

 

Can I get your permission to post this short exchange of PM's on the main thread, so that others can learn from my experience?

 

Hey Ducky,

Thank you for being so kind. I felt horrible yesterday and am so happy to hear that you're okay with how things are turning out.

 

Cathy is fortunate to call you her "friend." I admire you not only for being strong enough to put aside your feelings to help her in this time of need, but also for never badmouthing her bf when it would be so easy to do so.

 

Can I get your permission to post this short exchange of PM's on the main thread, so that others can learn from my experience?

 

Post away! I'm a vain one. I just didn't do it myself, because I didn't know how much you wanted to reveal about your situation 'outside' or not.

 

Kudos! 8) I wish all the best for you both.

 

Have a wonderful weekend,

smallworld

 

Dear Smallworld,

 

Read the title again!!! Apparently your advice worked out really well! I met her for coffee, and we talked for 4 hours!

 

I knew something was going on when she started with this line "First of all, I want to tell you that I'm no longer attached..." then she went on talking about how certain parts of me reminded me of her bf (whom she refers to her ex now), and perhaps that's why she subconsciously referred to me in her sleep. She didn't say anything about having no interest in me whatsover, she was focusing on how much I reminded her of her ex all the time... it really made the last time she said something about not having any interest in me sound like a knee-jerk reaction, if you get what I mean.

 

I didn't go into the meeting with any expectations, so I was pleasantly surprised. Guess I still have some chance of getting together with her, don't I? I'm taking things slow for now, because I understand that she's just been hurt really bad, and I don't think she's looking for something serious right now. 4 hours was spent chatting about her ex, how to recover and move on, about family, friends and life. She didn't even look at her watch a single time in the 4 hours we were together. We had an amazing time, and I'm sure she enjoyed herself.

 

Anyway, thank you for your advice which started this all. Now at least she has the idea that I like her, and she's throwing hints that she's open to the possibility of us getting together. LUV YA! Without your advice, I would never have gotten this far!!!

 

THANK YOU once again, and keep giving great advice!!!!

 

 

 

Regards,

[smallworld]

Hey Ducky!

Awww. I LUV YA too! I'm so happy for you!!! Thanks again for the sweet compliments, but I can't take credit for your progress. You did the most important part -- The Follow Through! (You have no idea how many people -- including myself -- ask for advice and never have the courage to follow it.) You're my hero!!! Way to go!!!

 

Hugs,

smallworld

 

PS. I've never been so happy to be so wrong in my life (about whether or not you should guard your heart). Thank you for not listening to me!!!!