I'm not moving in... Now what do I do???

[guapa]

Hey- I'm having a really hard time right now. I've posted on here several times about how my boyfriend was emotionally abusive. I was told not to move in with him, but he convinced me otherwise and it didn't seem like he was fooling around with me or anything... But in my heart it didn't feel right... at this point, it's really hard because I don't trust him anymore, I don't trust his intentions and what he says. I feel like anything he does is done to make me feel smaller and to dominate and control me. Partly it's what he says, but also the tone of voice he uses.

 

I was supposed to move in with him up til the night before last night. I was watching a bit of the movie the other night while he was talking to you, the parts we'd already seen,

 

and then he came in a said "what? you're already watching it?" (afterall, at least ten minutes had passed of me just waiting for him)

 

i said "yeah, the parts we've already seen"

 

and he said "well, i don't remember that part. stop it."

 

and i said "well, we already saw this part." and he said "well, what part don't you understand? I said I don't remember it". I said, o.k., o.k.... and turned it off and then as he was walking passed my crossed legs he was like "why don't you move your legs for me? you're so inconsiderate." I could understand if he just asked me to move my legs, but why make it seem that I was doing it purposefully to bother him? he repeated himself a couple of times after I already had moved my legs. i just didn't say anything at all.

 

and so time goes on and he still doesn't play the movie, and that's o.k. we're talking but then he started commenting in this snotty tone of voice on how I speak, saying something about how I speak so slowly like i was deformed. and I said "let's just watch the movie" and he said "you're free, you can do whatever you want" and

 

so then i said "o.k., i'm going home then" and then he mocked the way I laughed nervously as I looked back at him. And then he called me three times and finally leave me a message tell me he loves me!!

 

he called a few times yesterday and left me a long message saying how i frustrate him and how he just tries to be my friend and say things that are meaningful. (but he's also said that about how he's put me down before, saying that it was because i frustrate him). i replied with a one-liner saying "i'm not moving in" and nothing else. but at the end of the day yesterday i started feeling bad and called him (he was already asleep) saying that if he wanted we could talk.

 

i already found an apartment and i'm committed to NOT moving in with him. but now the real question is, what do i do now? what should i say to him on the phone? he doesn't understand how what he does is messed up... should i even say anything to him on the phone?

 

i'm so sad, cause i love him, but i hate the way he talks to me like that and i just don't think he is going to stop because he doesn't think that theres anything wrong with it. i feel like i'm going to be lonely and i know he will be too.

[reflectionlessmirror]

This is not a good relationship for you, obviously. I support your decison to not move in with him 100%. Infact, you may want o consider ending this all together. You sadi you were affraid you would be lonely? Well in my book lonely is fine compaired to having low self esteem that comes from him treating you like a piece of trash. Alot of time this kind of insecurity in men also is a sign of physical violence. People treat you how you let them treat you. How can he love you if he makes fun of you so much. He is no good. You already know that because you are here asking for advice. you know that he is not treating you well, you just need others to reassure you. Well then i will. he is no good!

[lady00]

Are you two broken up or are u still together? You posted in the "healing after break up" section but from your post is sounds like you aren't officially broken up but you're probably headed that way? I'm just a little confused.

The other thing is...do u really want to be in a relationship with him. It seems to me that the reasons you gave for not moving in are pretty serious reasons to dump this guy...i'm not saying that the feelings between you two aren't genuine but it's important to tell yourself that there's a difference between having feelings for someone and having a positive healthy relationship with them. Love and a good relationship don't always go together. Don't stay with someone because you're lonely or because you love them...stay because you love them AND the relationship is working. I don't know if that helps...but I hope it does.

[guapa]

yeah- it is confusing, sort of because i'm confused i guess. i think that emotionally i've already broken up with him, because i just don't trust his intentions anymore, i practically feel like he is totally crazy or something. like he has some sort of mental illness or something. i know he had a really messed up childhood with no father and a suicidal mother and things. it seems like he's got serious issues.

 

but my housemate told me i should just not talk to him at all "congehelas" (spanish for freezing it). but i haven't actually officially broken up with him or anything.

 

so that's part of my question. do i have some last conversation with him? especially since i called him last night to say we can talk... or do i just write him an email or handwrite a letter and put it in his mailbox (he lives next door to me).

 

i'm not trying to hurt him or to cause him more pain than is necessary. but talking to him is so hard because he denies things and lives in this other planet where talking to me like that is totally o.k.

[lady00]

I'm not a big fan of breaking up in a letter...in person is generally better. If you care about the person's feelings then doing it in a letter will seem callous and cold. Set up a meeting somewhere where you can leave if you feel uncomfortable or if he starts to put your down or emotionally abuse you. No need for a long drawn out conversation. Let him know you want to break up and if he asks why, be honest and then walk away.

[reflectionlessmirror]

If i were in your shoes i would certainly have a final conversation with him, that way everthing is clear and in the open. This way you can also let him know that the way he talks to you is totally unacceptable, make that very clear. Also make it clear that this does not fit your definition of love. I think you will be fine because you stated that you feel like you already have broken up with him. I will warn you of one thing...these abusive guys always try the "Ive changed" routine. Dont fall for him treating you well for a week, trust me he will go back to his same insecure self. As for congehelas (better know as nc (no contact/no call/no communication) on our forum), that is a good idea after you talk. Tell him this. Tell him you want space to regain some esteem and sense of self because he has put you down so much!

[reflectionlessmirror]

If i were in your shoes i would certainly have a final conversation with him, that way everthing is clear and in the open. This way you can also let him know that the way he talks to you is totally unacceptable, make that very clear. Also make it clear that this does not fit your definition of love. I think you will be fine because you stated that you feel like you already have broken up with him. I will warn you of one thing...these abusive guys always try the "Ive changed" routine. Dont fall for him treating you well for a week, trust me he will go back to his same insecure self. As for congehelas (better know as nc (no contact/no call/no communication) on our forum), that is a good idea after you talk. Tell him this. Tell him you want space to regain some esteem and sense of self because he has put you down so much!

[guapa]

o.k. thank you very much for the advice and reassurance... i will let him know that. i will let you know how it goes... it's going to be hard and i'm fairly sure he is going to get mad and tell me that i have to pay for the rent next month. i just feel bad for his housemate.

 

there is no way i can pay rent for two places at one time. and the thing is he bought all this equipment for his studio thinking i was going to pay for part of the rent. so he is going to be really mad...

[reflectionlessmirror]

Unless you have signed any legal documents regarding rent then you ow him nothing. Dont pay him a cent-you never lived there! And stand your ground! You have made this decison, now stick to it! And yes, ceratinly let me know how it goes! I hang out here alot when i am at work (shame, shame). Best wishes!

[lillady898]

I don't know what would be more lonely... Losing the guy I love but know is wrong for me, or being with this guy and feeling terrible and alone when I am around him.

 

I'm really happy you decided not to move in with him. That was a VERY smart move. Now, you just have to decide what your next step is going to be. Do you end the relationship, or still be together?

 

Try not to let his past guilt you into staying with him. There is no excuse for anyone abusing someone else. Just because someone gre up in a broken home doesn't give them a right to be nasty to someone elseMy parents grew up in alcoholic, abusive households. Now, my parents are the most good-hearted people I know. Sure, it'd be easy for them to be mean and blame it on their dysfunctional home, but they grew from it instead.

 

I know breaking up is easier said than done, and it's something that you'll have to think about, but think about the long run. How long could you see yourself with this guy?

 

Trust your instincts. I also think you should break up with him in person. Unless, you think being near him and seeing him take the break up will make you change your mind. Do whatever will actually make you go through with the break up.

[lady00]

Unless you have a written agreement saying that you are going to pay part of the rent then you're not liable. If there's no written agreement then tell him he should have thought about the rent when he was being a jerk to you.

[guapa]

so, it was just as i expected. i said that i want to break up because he talks down to me and is controlling... he started saying that i'm playing the victim. that i exagerrate. that he was just saying how he feels.

 

and then i started bringing up why is it that other people support me but he doesn't and supposedly he "loves me". i said this in an exaggerated way. i said that there are qualities about me that Other people like. And he said he doesn't care about other people. that he doesn't support anything about me because there isn't anything to support. and i said "and that's love? that's not love. you don't love me. you love having someone to trample on. you love having a booty call next door" and he started talking about how he loves me as a person, as he loves anyone else. and i said that he loves himself.

and he started talking about how he is going to print out the emails i sent him and show it to people, the emails when i said i was sad and depressed. i said, yeah, i was depressed because of YOU, because you broke down my self-esteem, that i was feeling like i did when i was breaking up with my ex-boyfriend because he Also was messed up to me. and he started talking about how i'm dependent on him.

he started talking about my housemate mentioned him and cassandra physically fight (as though this makes the way he treats me better), but they don't, he was using hand gestures when he talked about fighting but he was saying verbal fights. and i said that my housemate was talking to him about that for a reason, he was trying to tell him that women are strong. and then my ex said that i'm not strong.

 

and i said i AM strong. just because you believe that i'm not does not make it true. and i said i'm not going to be with someone who thinks that i'm less than who i am. i repeated myself. and then he hung up on me.

 

he came over and knocked on the door but i did not answer it. and then he called me twice, one time leaving a message saying that i should talk to him to his face and then the other time trying to emotionally deconstruct me by saying that he should have broke up with me a long time ago and that he drags things on and that i'm insecure and get jealous (i only did once, whereas he's been jealous many, many times), and that i'm controlling and manipulative and have issues.

 

i got upset, i couldn't help it. i was so angry with him for having treated me so badly and so hurt by it and i already knew he was going to deny everything and not listen to anything that i say....

[lady00]

You did well! You told him exactly what you thought and you stood your ground. The things he said to you only make it that much clearer that he's not the one for you. Good job and good luck. Keep ignoring his calls. There's nothing left to say. He had his chance to say his side of things and ended up coming off as a total jerk. Let him be mad and sulk. He's not your problem anymore...just take time to yourself to heal and treat yourself well...like you deserve to be treated.

[guapa]

he called me again and now he is knocking on my door. he yelled through the door he wants his shirt back, which he lent me. i left him a message on his phone while he was knocking that i'd give it back and put it in his mailbox.

 

he went home and now he is knocking on my door again. it makes me so nervous. i feel sick to my stomach and kind of scared, but i'm sure he won't do anything. he can't my door is secure.

[lady00]

Tell him to get lost or you will call the cops. this is harrasment...you should feel free to enter and exit your own home! If he doesn't listen, go ahead and call the police. You should not feel afraid to leave your own home. Tell him his behavior is totally unacceptable say something like "do you realize what you're doing is seriously creeping me out? I want to be left alone or I will have to call the cops."

[guapa]

i told him that. and he said i've stolen his property and he wants it back now. and i said i'd called the cops if he didn't leave my doorstep. i called the police but then it said if it's an emergency press 1 and i didn't want to say that. so i hung up and he left my doorstep

 

he keeps freaking calling me. i wish i wasn't alone.

[guapa]

he called me saying that i demonize him and all this and all he wants is his shirt back.

 

why can't he just wait? is it just me or does it seem exagerrated that he knocks on my door for ten minutes for his shirt?

[lady00]

he doesn't just want his shirt back...no sane person would harass someone like that just to get a shirt back. He wants to see you and tell you how angry he is etc. but tell him to back off and stop calling. You don't necessarily have to say its an emergency, but try and get an officer on the phone and let him or her know what's going on they will advise you as to the best course of action.

[Hope75]

***I just noticed that you did in fact dump him and now he is harassing you, time to call the cops and get him picked up?? This guy sounds like a real psycho! Call the police back, press 1, when the operator comes on she will tell you the call is being recorded, so you know what to expect, tell her you aren't sure if it's an emergency but that you are afraid for your safety and home alone, give them his name, address and phone number and the reason for you call.

 

Leave his shirt in a plastic bag out in the doorknob outside if it's safe to do so, and make sure you call the police.

 

This type of behaviour should NOT be tolorated!!!!!

[guapa]

He keeps calling and leaving hella long messages that are 5 minutes long saying that I exagerrate things and this and that and how I have all these issues and blah blah blah. I just let him knock on the door til he got tired of it. My housemate is now home and so it's cool But he got all mad about me saying I'd call the cops and said how I like to take things to the extreme and demonize him and all this.

 

So, I'm not answering the phone or talking to him or emailing him. Now begins the NC.

 

Thank you all so much for all your support and even the people who've answered me before for telling me to break up with him. If I didn't have that support I might have believed what he said to me and thought it was normal for someone to talk to me that way. I will miss the parts of him that were good, it's going to be hard... But in the long run this is soooo good for me!

[reflectionlessmirror]

Jeez, i went to do some work and the drama unfolds! Yes, he really is a weirdo. it too bad you have to live next door to him. I cant believe the things he said to you! He is really insecure. he sounds dangerous though so make darn sure you let family and friends know what is going on...maybe even stay with someone else for tonight.

[lillady898]

I'm so happy you went through with it and stood your ground! There are so many people (men and women alike) who would've just gave into the demands of their overbearing exes. You're very strong for dealing with it in the way that you did. It'll be hard, but you've gotten through one of the most difficult parts. It can only go up from where he had you! Good luck with this and definetly keep everyone posted!

[reflectionlessmirror]

Also true to remember NEVER CALL HIM! He is going to ring your phone ragged. Expect that. If you are tempted to answer or call him thing of him knocking on your door pretending to want a shirt. How stupid.

[guapa]

Yeah. I definitely won't talk to him

 

 

I have no illusions about the relationship. The relationship was very very hard since the beginning and he has so many things to work through and will only work through them if he makes some serious realizations. I know that I have things to work on, but I always had so much love for him. I know how love so often borders hate and I never felt any hate for him ever, just hurt. And so even if I made mistakes, I never felt hatred, never tried to purposefully hurt him as he has me. So, if some day he writes me or calls me to say he realizes what he has done is wrong, I might be friends with him.... But for some reason I really doubt that is going to happen.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Well Iam signing off, leaving work. I am glad i was able to share this good day with you before the event and after. Take care, i will be on again tomorrow...stop in and say HI!