Not sure if I'm on the right track or not

[overtheedge]

We broke up about 2 months ago after 4 1/2 years. It was very tough on both of us, especially on me. I've tried to make her feel better through the entire thing because I do still care and I don't want her feeling upset about anything.

 

I finally hung out with her today for the first time since the breakup. We've seen each other and had little chats but this is the first time we've spent some real time together. Well things seemed awkward and we didn't really fall back into old times. I know all the experts say not to talk about the relationship but I had to. There are too many unanswered questions.

 

Basically I spoke my heart to her and got a real clear reason for the breakup. I asked for it and I feel strong enough to hear it. She said the main reason that her feelings changed was that I wasn't open enough and she couldn't see herself marrying someone like that. I told her I could have changed if she would have sat me down and seriously talked to me about it.

 

Anyways, we decided to start spending more time together and see where our feelings take us. I can admit that I pushed her away and that maybe my feelings had changed too, but I am also open minded enough to re-evaluate them, just to make sure.

 

My questions is, how do I show her that I have honestly changed and at the same time, regain that spark we had. It would take both of those to get it back. I feel like maybe this is my second chance, or at least the door has been opened a crack, and I don't want to ruin it.

[QTpie87]

I think you should just be you and not try and act like you change too much (not try and act like you changed anything then what you really did). It's fine to still be like well im still working on this but don't say you have totally changed something you haven't yet, if you have then great. other then that im sure your personality is still the same right? I mean what attracted her to you in the first place did that part of you change, I would imagin not but Idk. Just be you.

good luck.

Qtpie87

[hazlcha]

When she says "open enough," that's a confusing phrase. Your post seems very "open," and that seems to be the kind of person you are. Does she mean that you have to share your guts with her more? I don't know.

 

Instead, she may mean that she wants more communication from you. Communication means listening, asking. Not necessarily talking more, because ironically the more you talk, the less you listen and the more "closed" you can become. Open probably means accessible, that she can communicate with you and know that it's important to you.

 

So I'd suggest not trying to make big changes. Be yourself, as the other poster says. But now, ask her more about what's going on in her life, how she's feeling about everything. Focus on making her know that she is being heard, and that the relationship is a partnership, not just the proximity of two separate individuals. Share opinions, help each other out. That's the way to go, in my book.

[overtheedge]

A lot of times when something was bothering me, I would keep it to myself. Many times it was something about her that was bothering me so I just wouldn't tell her, rather than hurt her. I thought at the time that I was doing the right thing, but she decided that she couldn't marry someone that would never completely open up and this caused her feelings for me to change. I guess it was something that was really important to her, but I didn't realize it.

[hazlcha]

In other words, open for her refers to those things between you and her. Openness in the relationship means being supportively honest, in a positive way. Criticizing is a bad idea, it never achieves results. But sharing how you feel about something she said or did in an open way is good.

 

So you've answered your own question, that's the adjustment you should make. In addition to what has already been written.

 

Good luck.