Is it selfish to break up with him now?

[lillady898]

Whenever I get in an argument with my boyfriend, I always laugh it off the next day. We never solve anything. So everything has just built up inside of me and last night I just burst. To where I almost made some irrational decisions, but luckily I somehow kept my temper to a lower level. I didn't want to say anything I regretted so I had to stop myself a few times.

 

I have this preconceived notion that people don't understand me unless I take drastic action and I'm better off alone. I do better doing things on my own. I'm almost too independent, and I guess that's what led up to this big blow up. I think I had him crying, which I feel so very awful for. But he gets so self-absorbed sometimes that I can never tell him how I feel. So I blew up.

 

We're meeting today in about an hour. I could deny meaning some of the things I said, but I'd be lieing. I meant it all. I made sure not to say anything I regretted. I think maybe I should break it off, because I just can't handle a relationship. I have the strength to end it, but I just would feel so selfish in hurting him anymore. I know it was selfish of me to blow up like that (he cried... he never cries), but I don't want to be anymore selfish by saying I can't handle a relationship because I'm better of alone right now...

 

It really is more me than him right now.

 

Is it selfish to break up with someone for this reason when he wants things to work out so bad?

 

I'd like to add that I don't think I love him (never told him I did, either, wanted to be sure before I said anything like that), but I do care about him a lot.

[suprema99]

Hey Lilllady, it's up to you. Crying is pretty sad kinda for a guy to do. lol But then again, of course, shows he must really like you alot. I would give him a break. He probably really likes you, but then again if you feel so against being with this guy, why stay with him then.

[loveydovey]

Well, if you don't want to be in a relationship now, and don't really see yourself warming up to the idea anytime soon, I would say end it now. He'll be able to deal with it better now than 3 months from now where he'll become more attached to you and to the idea that you two are in this together for the long haul. This is just my opinion. Have you two been together for ver long?

[DN]

You should never stay in a relationship you are unhappy in order to keep the other person happy. You are depriving both of you of the chance of a loving and equal pertnership. But you should also make sure that you really want to leave, and that any problems you have cannot be solved so that you do want to stay in the relationship for your sake as well as his.

[socalguy123]

I agree with the above folks. If you like him and care for him and respect, but don't LOVE him--it's time to give him the goodbye. Be honest. Save yours and his precious time. Good to be nice, Best to be honest

[lillady898]

We had an extremely long talk...

 

Well, our past hadn't exactly been the best. He sometimes wonderswhy I even give him the time of day, and he gets really angry at himself when he thinks of some of the mistakes he's made. I know he's sincerely sorry about some of the things, because I see something in him that I haven't before. I see it when we talk and I can just tell, and other people tell me that as well. Our past goes like this: We were together for about 1 1/2 years, he broke up with me in January, and we started hanging out again in the beginning if June.

 

And I guess that's been my problem lately. Every little argument reminds me of our past and there's just so much extra baggage. I get so emotional about it. He's been really patient with me and wants me to break up with him if it's what I need to do. But now that we've talked everything out and he's told me how he feels... I'm confused on what to do.

 

I don't know if there's just too much weighing down on our relationship to make it work. He's changed so much in the past few months, it's crazy. So I know I should give him the chance and trust him. But, I don't know, it's a really hard thing for me to do.

 

He said we can solve problems from our past one by one and time will help me heal. And he's willing to prove that he's in it for the long haul. I want to trust him so bad, because I just see it in him...

 

I don't know what to do now.

[stargirl5256]

Lillady- If you aren't solving anything or learning from your arguments, you aren't growing as a couple, and you're going to continue to be bothered by every little argument. This process will continue to make you unhappy until you take the drastic action you mentioned in your initial posting. I just broke up with my boyfriend after such a process. we fought and never solved anything and my doubts kept gowing about our relationship. We were not growing as a couple and I knew that I couldn't be happy with the way things were. I still have incredible guilt about hurting him, 3 weeks after breaking up, but I know that neither of us were happy with the way things were. I care very deeply for him, but I don't think I was in love with him (I wanted very badly to be- but you can't force it) He still wants to get back together- but I know that it wouldn't work. Things may change down the road and our paths may cross in the future, but right now, we both need time to grow and grow up.

 

What I am trying to say with my tale is that, if you're not happy and not in love, you HAVE to think of you. If you're not happy, he is certainly not happy, either. It will only make things worse, and make you more likely to explode, if you keep things bottled up like you are. You need to be honest with him (as hard as that is) and with yourself to decide what YOU want- don't stay just because he wants things to work out. It's REALLY tough to figure this all out- but trust your heart, ok?