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Life Changing - Honesty

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I love this idea, of a public Journal. I've written diaries ever since I was 5 but I've never written them so that other people can read them. I wouldn't want anyone I know seeing this but also...maybe I don't care anymore? Maybe....secretly I do want the to see? But I'm just not brave enough to do it...and also...would anyone even care??? 

I feel like the only real secret in my life is that...I'm still pining over an ex and I still talk to him occasionaly, I'm trying to phase it out but I can't say that this desire is an all over full bodied desire. A small part of me.....really does. not. want. that. ever. 

I'm so incapable of being with my own thoughts these days I have a program on in the background. I've binged on chocolate all day. I've checked my messages anxiously every 5 to 30 minutes. I haven't done anything I needed to do besides going for a walk. 

I inherited a huge amount of money last year which was unbelievably life changing and I HOPe IT will help me to finish my course and get me to be able to do a job that makes me feel a sense of purpose but I'm stressed that I'm spending it too fast. I'm scared I will lose it. 

I'm scared of a lot of things. I wonder what it would be like to not be scared.....would that mean that I don't care anymore? I don't know. I try and I try and I try, it's not working though. 

I really miss having someone, we support each other, but even in my last relationship I supported him so much more than he supported me, but I don't know anything else....I don't think I know how to be supported. 

I haven't had sex in SO long...ok...well I guess it could be worse...I think it was late january/early february...I wonder if I'll ever have sex again....if I do...will it be good?! Ah well....I'm supposed to be going to sleep within the next half an hour but I feel a bit high on sugar....BRILLIANT. 

See you all tomorrow for more madness or nothingness....however you wish to interpret. BISOUS xo

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