Not exactly legal...

[Elizabethrana1607306436]

Seeking Advice and friendship:

I'm still in high scoll and am in love with someone who is 9 years older than me. He lives on the east coast and drove to see me in Ohio last year. My parents found out about the relationship last year, and of course were not happy. There are no problems with trust between him and I, and we are currently waiting to be together. No one talks about my "used-to-be" relationship with him anymore, and they don't know I still talk to him. I used to think that we were both wrong for being in love, but I know that you can't choose whom you lfall in love with. I would like to to talk to anyone who is in a similar situation becuase I had to keep everything inside for 2 years now. It would help. Thanks

 

-Elizabeth

[wandering_mind]

I know that you think that your feelings are real; however, it is very doubtful that the two of you really know each other--much less love each other. how do you know for sure who this guy is. for all you know he could be a conniving pedophile that looks at kiddie porn online while he chats with you. if he were really serious about pursuing this relationship further, he would have tried to make peace with your parents first. he wouldn't be keeping all of this a secret. if he really cared about your well-being he wouldn't be taking away from your teenage years by manipulating you into thinking that he loves you. you don't really know this man. this is a dangerous thing to pursue. you probably don't even know his medical history, or his legal history. maybe he has been arrested in the past for molesting young girls. or maybe he has a girlfriend HIS age and he lies to both of you. maybe he's been to jail for assaulting someone. he might even try to beat, kill, or rape you someday. bottom line guy that respects or loves you (especially a person 9 years older than you) is going to be so immature and conniving that he keeps this a secret from your parents.

 

your parents really should have turned him into the police. despite what you think...you don't really know this guy. have you ever talked to his parents? do they even know about you? the reason relationships like this are illegal in the first place, is because the ppl that made the laws know that old men and women like to prey upon less experienced teenagers and children. he's miles away. why not try dating someone your age for a while. it's difficult to really know someone and keep a relationship going strong with someone that might live the street from you or even with you.

 

i know you said, that trust isn't an issue. but maybe that's because you haven't questioned his intentions enough. your parents were angry and upset for a reason. how do you define 'love?' would this person really be there for you if something terrible happened to you? (and i don't mean if someone said something nasty behind your back...or your parents grounded you).

 

also, you have to question why a man 9 years older than you would need to be involved with someone in highschool in the first place. why not someone his age? why not someone that lives near him? and if he really cares about you so much and wants to be with you (even if it is in secret)...why hasn't he found a job closer to where you live and moved there himself?

 

i know you didn't want to read any of this. i know you've probably heard it before. but, it's true. you need to get real.

[will737]

because nothing is gained by being hysterical.

 

First, in Ohio it is apparently entiresly legal for you to have sex with a 96 year old (much less a 25 year old) once you are 16 years old. But do not take this as me suggesting that you should consider that a green light for sexual contact. The fact is that the current majority trend among women (of ages up to 50) is that they hop in bed with someone long before they really have any idea who they are--and this is generally extremely unintelligent behavior no matter what their age. I personally think that this is a function of the "Free Love Fruitcake Generation" of which they were a part and of the fact that they passed such false "values" (read "lack of values") along to their girl children. As for young men--who their mothers and fathers have mostly totally abandoned--forget about them entirely as so incredibly many act in this regard like they have no brain above the belt at all.

 

Second, it is clear from your facts that you really do not know this fellow very well. Correspondence (even if it is as modern as e-mail) is not an adequate substitute for real in-person communication. Do you know how he feels about religion, politics, morality, faithfulness, money, jobs, families, kids, recreation, and each and everything that is important to you? Have you talked about these in person and quized him and looked at his responses for honesty. If not, you do not really know him. Do you know how you feel about those things? If not, you do not know yourself.

 

Third, don't demean (and I assure you, I don't demean) your feelings. To me, it sounds like a "Love at first sight" thing. "Love at first sight" is something which psychiatrist, Dr. Joy Browne, of Dating for Dummies, says is really just "Lust with Possibilities." But it is real. And people who are married for more than 50 years report that over half of them felt this on first meeting. But the obverse is not true. Most "Love at first sight" leads to nothing. It's real. But it disappears, sometimes in a heartbeat. So you should ask yourself if you are able to commit yourself to a relationship for the next 70 years based on what you know about him. Based on what you've said, I don't think you are.

 

Fourth, there is nothing in the least bit odd about differences in age. As different age groups come into more contact, as will happen if only because of increased longevity (eg. 50 yr olds will look like 30 yr olds if they want to), age gap relationships will be much more common. Just because he is older does not mean that he is necessarily evil, though it is certainly true that sexual predators use the internet as their vehicle of choice. And given your age I don't think that you are used to dealing with pure evil. And, I assure you, despite the silly, niave things some people say, I am well aware that the boys your age are as an age group infinitely worse morally than boys who are ten years older and it makes no sense to substitute one evil for another. [A local highschool in the suburban mid-west where I live has a 25% HIV rate.] Nevertheless, that says nothing about your particular guy. And based on your post, I don't think that you are ready because you are not talking about any of the right things. See list of topics above.

 

My advice for you is that true love exists independently of sex--so act on that fact. While you are so very young, you owe it to yourself to figure out who you are and who this fellow is. As far as that goes, you probably don't know who any of the men, young or otherwise, around you really are. Simply put, explore those things without sex until you know who both of you are.

[dfcannon]

Well, I won't condemn the 9 years difference per se, or your ability to feel love, and I don't know your age or the laws of your state, so I'll set aside the legal issue, too. And I won't condemn this guy you like with all kinds of witch hunt insinuations...the people who post that kind of stuff can never be sure what's going on even in their own spouse's heads...we can't all run around making these kinds of accusations...that's not constructive and will only make you more hurt by this whole thing, although of course it MIGHT be true and you don't know him well enough to know for sure.

 

...but this is a problematic relationship, and you can find the evidence for this within yourself...through your pain and frustrations and loneliness. This guy may be completely infatuated with you, but he's not really looking out for you or caring for you as a man should. He should have the strength and courage and wisdom to take his foot off the accelerator and just keep things light. Encourage you to date guys in high school and have a normal high school life, and then "see what happens" when you graduate. His actions are inherently selfish, for these reasons, and I don't think he's a good catch.

[bettiepagerules]

yah that's my favorite website link removed haha I never heard anyone ever refer to it before, I found it because I like older men. My 16th is July 2nd and trust me as soon as I can drive I'm going to one of those states where the age of consent is 16. I'm in Cali.

[jennykitty]

hey,

i understand how you feel. sometimes, with relationship like this do have to be on the "down low". i know my did and he more then 9 years older then me. I can understand where your parents are trying to protect you and all. They don't know him and they see him as a threat. As for what some of these other folks that at are posting, about him having a another girlfriend or looking at kiddy porn all whatever they said could be completely true, but then again completely false ( sounds like my mother, who watch way to much of 60min and 20/20) there is to much,"what if". How is meeting some guy in a club or even at school any safer? how well do know some guy? just because you see a person doesn't mean there safe, anywho. I think parents have a hard time accept who we love. Our parents didn't grow up with the internet, and a lot of them see it as "evil". some believe all men over the age of 17 that talks a female on the net is going to try to "Get with her" and her". you always hear about young girls and older men what about a female molestor? to many "what if". if you and that guy are happy , you can trust him and everything. i would be cautious but follow your heart, ithink if you don't you regret it. i know i did, i am lucky i got him back tho.