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Not knowing how to work through trauma

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Hi all, hope you're having a good start to the week. 

Perhaps some of you can relate. I know I have trauma from my childhood. I feel it, though not clearly. My throat closes up and my skin almost tingles, and that's where it ends, because the experiences have been locked up and hidden. 

I know that the trauma affects me majorly, even now when I am an adult and independent. My moral compass is wobbly, my emotions are dull, I feel but not really. I care but then I don't. I've struggled with addiction. I struggle understanding what's happening, largely because the trauma stems from an emotionally and mentally abusive mother. I was hit, too, but that's easier to deal with. The hitting wasn't what made me think I was worthless, stupid and replaceable. Just a few years ago I realised I am worthy, and that my feelings are there and they're valid. 

I try think about it but I struggle because I can't find the words to describe what it feels like. I don't know how to express the hurt in my soul.  Everything she said and did, I can explain it and quote her word for word, but that's not "it". That's her, what about me. What about how it hurt me when I was a child, and how it still, well, ruins things for me today. 

I have looked for therapists but in my small city, the first time I could land is in 2 months. I have gone to therapists before but never found one I liked either, so I'm not too hopeful. The ones I met felt like they were purely going off of a textbook, without actually focusing on my specific case. While I do not believe my case is so "special", I did pay a large amount for a therapist that will adjust her approach specifically for me. 

I was helpless when I was a child and stuck in a toxic house, but I am an adult now and trying to take charge of the inner workings of who I am. I just honestly have no idea how to, or what it is exactly that I'm looking for. 

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I am sorry you had to endure this throughout your childhood 1.) It is inexcusable and 2.) You have every right to still feel the affects of it now. No child should have to go through what you've been through and acknowledging that is a good thing. It's really difficult to give any advice here because i am certainly not a professional therapist by no means. It's sad that you haven't found any therapy that works for you yet - i would suggest keep trying though.

What are the day to day things that you struggle with? Can you self-soothe through these episodes?  


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