Who initiates?

[SlipperySammy]

Who initiates sex in your relatiosnhip?

 

What happens if you initiate and your partner turns you down? do you get mad?

 

I am currently 0-5 this month on initiating sex and getting turned down. My girlfriend is 3-0...(she initiated three times this month and we had sex a total of three times this month)

[RayKay]

I see then you are still having these problems in the relationship - there is only sex when she wants it and she turns you down otherwise. Have you done anything since to address this issue, as clearly things are not getting much better?

 

In my relationship it is for most part 50-50 (though maybe sometimes 60-40 one way or the other etc!), and there are times too where it is sort of a mutual initiation as we are both building up to it in the day with flirtatious comments and gestures so by the time we get there, it would be hard to say who initiated it! I initiated it last night, I know he was tired and stressed due to work so decided to take that on myself, but day before it was him...so yeah, we flip depending on the situation and our own desire at time. We both have pretty high sex drives, but also enjoy the shared intimacy we have with one another so both look forward to it, whomever initiates it! And we will often as I said flirt and talk about sex, or be affectionate with one another as buildup too, so we both actively initiate so to speak.

 

I have yet to turn my partner down or be turned down (even if I am on my period or something we do something else) and if he knows I am feeling very ill or something like that he would not initiate likely. When we are stressed out or something we will still get into it, as it is a stress reliever! But if my partner did turn me down, I would feel rejected, hurt and upset about it I am sure and would feel some fear about why he rejected me. I would believe there was something wrong, and we would probably talk about it as if he did reject me, I know from talking about such things before from our pasts it would be not only just because he was "very tired" but because he was "feeling less into it/me" or be upset/angry with me for something.

[SlipperySammy]

Our situation is complicated...we went from having little sex only when I iniated but I was turned down 9 outa 10 times... To our current situation...after I explained how bad it made me feel that she never initiated.... she currently iniates more but I get turned down the same or more. I guess our total sex is up a little...from 0-2 times a month to 3-4 times. Big improvement..huh?

 

I think the quality of sex is also better, yet I still feel unsatisfied. I guy doesn't like gettign turned down...and I don't think initiating 5 times in a month is accessive. When she turns me down I feel frustated and helpless. I am 0-5 in 5 weeks. A typical situation will usually entail spending the day together and having a good time...I'll initiate at the end of the night and she is TOTALY not into it at all...this makes me feel so crappy. Last night I was visibly frustrated and I don't want her to feel guilty or guilted into sex...but I couldn't help but be notacibly frustrated.

 

There has to be times that she can not be in the mood....that is only fair, but I am 0-5.

[RayKay]

Well definitely there will be times she is "not in the mood" - this is more the case with females due to hormones, physical changes in their body and so on...however there are times where while I might not be "into it" and have not initiated it, if my partner initiates it I get into it! I know that rejecting him simply as I am "not in the mood" is selfish and not considering HIS needs as well, and I know that just because I am "not in the mood" does not mean I won't be in a couple minutes.

 

3-4 times a month is still very little, especially for a young couple like yourself without the responsibilities of taking care of children all through the night and such, and it still seems very odd to me. I mean my weekly average is already higher than your monthly average this past couple months! And no, 5 initiations is not excessive (it is very minimal in fact) and you should not feel bad about being disappointed either when rejected (in fact it is almost opposite!) - but I will say 5 turn downs in a month is!

 

What happens when she initiates? How does the day play out? Is there any way to turn that around so she initiates more or takes you on when you initiate? When she initiates do you think she is doing it as she really WANTS to or because she feels she must to keep you? Has she done anything else to address her low sex drive (ie see a doctor?).

 

And can you really live like this forever? Again, sex is not everything, but intimacy is tremendously important to the bond that a couple has and I am concerned that this issue now, already a larger one for you, is going to only increase.

[kskm]

This (amoung other) is one of the reasons I broke it off with my ex.

I would have to initate sex every single time that we had sex, and when he turned me down I felt not pretty, not wanted and just upset; and especially since he never initated it I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I understand that people can be "not in the mood" - because in my current relationship I sometimes feel that way, but it is totally fair in my now relationship, he intitates and gets it- I would never turn him down- and when I initate I get it. I know how bad it makes someone feel to be turned down. And even if you aren't in the mood, why not take the 30 minutes to make your partner happy? I guess maybe I'm a little different because I'm game anytime.... but if I am never not I still do it.

[Venturer]

kskm, I want your phone number! ;-)

 

Kidding aside - in my opinion, it is always a bad sign when a partner says "oh I'm not in the mood" the other person initates. First time, I'd let it slide. Twice in a row, alarms would be blaring. HOWEVER, if there is health issues or she's on her period or if she is going through difficult times (like a death in the family), then I would let it slide.

 

Even if I'm exhausted and "not in the mood", I am never too tired for sex. Never. I would never turn my girl down when she initates. Because I know how much it hurts when I initiate and I get turned down. It really makes you wonder - what's wrong? is it me? was it something I said or did?

 

And one time last year, I had this issue with a girl. When I asked the girl "what's wrong? is something bothering you?" and she goes "Oh, I'm not in the mood", and I'd be like "oh is it that time of the month?" She'd go, "oh no, that was two weeks ago" ... and I say, "then .. what is it?" She goes "I don't know, I'm just not in the mood." I say, "I see. Even if I get exhausted and am not in the mood, I never turn down sex because I'm never too tired for sex." Then she gets all defensive gets into a big huff. Needless to say, we split a week after this.

 

And the girl that I dated after this girl above, was the absolute polar opposite: She never turned me down whenever I wanted it. We'd do it any time of the day, anywhere. Even at 4 am - I'd wake up and then wake her up, and roll on top of her and make love in a dozen different positions. Then go back to sleep. Then a few hours later, do it again.

 

And no, I wasn't just using her for sex. I loved her. She was a great girl, all around. Too bad we split because she had to move back to Brazil.

 

So... when a girl turns me down when I initiate, I would ask her about it. But don't be too confrontational. Ask and probe gently. If she gets defensive in any way, END THE RELATIONSHIP. Why? If she is unable to talk this out without getting defensive and argumentative, then it will never get better.

[temperamental_taurus]

This was a huge issue between me and my ex... Sex was on his watch ONLY... I was shot down each and every time I approached him for it. And yes, it mad me angry, it hurt me and was extermely frustrating.

 

Trust me, I'd stand before him naked, or I'd slowly lead him into the bedroom, or I'd just hop onto him, or even tried to initiate by slowly kssing/fondling him. And every time, I was told no.

 

Yet, when I was sick with the flu, had been asleep for hours, had just survived a roll-over accident earlier in the same day - THAT'S when he wanted it... and he'd get it, I never turned him down.

 

It was purely a control issue - and not what making love is all about. Think how upset I got when 98% of the time when I was "in the mood" and I was told no.

 

I think it needs to be as close to 50/50 as it can get in a relationship to ensure that both parties don't begin to feel taken advantage of. LOL - I guess I never realized it but, geez, he gave me so many reasons that made leaving him EASY!!!!

[Universe]

This is a slightly different question, but pertaining to the same topic...

 

When you are initiating sex, do you usually say so? or do you just get physical?

 

I've always just gotten physical and made it obvious I wanted sex by putting my hand down her pants or up her shirt while kissing her very passionately. But I'm finding that she wants me to actually tell her what I want and that will get her going.

I usually initiate sex and I've been getting frustrated that she does not. She used to. But recently she's told me that I don't tell her what I want and that if I did, it would turn her on. So I'm trying to do this now. But I was just wondering if it's like that with other people.

 

Do you usually make a sort of verbal advance before you get physical? What do you say?

[kskm]

Some girls do get turned on when their partner "talks dirty" to them- gets them into the mood. I personally don't really need this, but I am not about to say that I don't like it. My boyfriend will usually say "I am going to do _____ to you" or that.... just explain what you are about to do to her.

[RayKay]

This is going to vary from relationship to relationship and from encounter to encounter.

 

Sometimes it is through words - even a sexy erotic story by email - or by words whispered in ears, or by a look in the eyes, or other times by a soft touch here, a massage, or a more aggressive move where I find myself held down on the bed with force (welcome force!).

 

I would say its not so much in your case the fact you touch her, but it may be the delivery. She is probably looking for more sensuality and connection, and if you usually initiate by a hand down the pants or up the shirt it gets predictable and very unsexy. Reaching for the "goods" right away is not the buildup she is looking for is what I am saying. She might get very turned on by words - I know I love dirty talk - but it is also about the delivery, you can still caress her with the words, grab at the appropriate words and so on.

[AlleyCat]

As you've probably heard before, sex can be pretty emotional for many women. Personally, being turned on physically or emotionally (or both) can cause me to want to have sex. It sounds like your girlfriend may need more of that emotional stimulation - she probably just wants to feel wanted, like sex isn't just some physical act. While you're messing around, maybe try just telling her how much you want her and she turns you on, etc.

 

As for my own relationship, to answer the first question, my b/f definitely initiates more often than I do (but I still initiate sometimes) and we rarely turn each other down, although I'd have to say that I probably turn him down more often than he turns me down (but that's probably because he initiates more often than I do). Sometimes initiating is completely physical, while other times it entails a playful "Hey, wanna have sex?" Either way works for me...