What is my Ex up to?

[peacemakesplenty]

I posted here soon after my ex split with me and the help I received helped me to understand the best way to deal with the breakup. I have not had contact with her for about 3 months and was moving on-I have even seen other girls in that time.

 

On Monday the ex rings me and we ended up having a conversation for about an hour. She had done this before NC but it was obvious that she didn't want to get back with me then.

 

The conversation lasted an hour and was light and friendly. We discussed work, family etc. She still had the (IMO rebound) bf and things were going ok with him. She also asked me if I was seeing anybody and I said I had been but wasn't at the moment.

 

I asked her out for a coffee to catch up and she seemed really keen on the idea, even suggesting next week as it looked like it may have been difficult to meet up this week. However, we arranged to meet up on Wednesday.

 

There was another phone call on Tuesday and again she seemed happy enough to meet me. However 5 minutes before we were due to meet on Wednesday she sent me a text saying that she was sorry to let me down, but that she wasn't prepared to hurt her bf. I sent a brief ok back and left it at that.

 

When I asked her out for coffee I was expecting to meet up only as friends, I wasn't expecting anything else-she had made it clear that that was what she wanted.

 

However, I find myself shaken by her behaviour, and I realise that I still have some feeings for her. Problem is I don't understand what she is up to. If she was afraid of hurting her bf why agree to see me in the first place, and why did she leave it until the last minute to cancel, when she could have done it before then?

 

Has anybody any ideas what is going on? Is possible that she still has feelings for me after all this time? Or is she just playing mind games because I was moving on?

[quing]

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[quing]

>>However, I find myself shaken by her behaviour, and I realise that I still have some feeings for her. Problem is I don't understand what she is up to

 

That was exactly the objective of her plan, truth is the novalty has warn off her current boyfriend and she is testing the water with you to make a safe cross over it either that or she wants to feel wanted and desired and wants you to chase.

 

Women sometimes hate to be on their own.

The more you stay silent and skip her calls the more she will probally persist.

 

You should not have asked for the coffee, although in your case it was really just an innocent coffee in your mind so you could not help it as you were not prepared for games where as she had an alternative motive, dropping you for her boyfriend to wake up your feelings.

 

Very clever of her.

 

 

 

This maybe handy.

 

Sometimes women will "lead you on" as a means of testing you... If you respond in any way that tells a woman that you think she's leading you on, you've just failed the test. So no matter what happens, never do anythingthat makes her think that you think she's leading you on. One easy way to disable this specific test is to put a stop to all contact with her the moment she attempts to test you (and don't waste your time telling her off - it's counterproductive!). Turn your back (so to speak) and don't say anything, and do not be affected. If you tell her off, it shows her that she's had an affect on you.

 

By acting unaffected, her mind will go to work, wondering why you're not affected by her antics... Allude (but be subtle) to other women, and you'll make her think that the reason you're not being "strung along", is that you have other women to choose from... She might even wonder if it's you stringing her along! However, if you're going to allude to women, BE CAREFUL... Remember to be subtle, because if you outright say that you have other women to choose from, or that you "can get any girl", you may challenge her pride. And if she's prideful, this can give her the psychological strength to leave you and never look back.

 

The more a woman wonders as to what your intentions are, the more she becomes involved psychologically, and the more your value goes up in her eyes... This is a good reason why many "bad boys" have their way with women... [ "...Psychologically, the more a woman (or anyone) wants something, the more it will elude her, and the more she'll chase after it.

 

When she tests, treat her like she's your kid sister... Because in reality, this is how she's acting. Sometimes women are aware they're performing tests, and other times they're not aware. Rather than chasing along, trying to pass her tests, laugh them off. And then go on as if it's business as usual. Maybe you'll p*ss her off and she'll never want to talk to you again, but this is a risk you have to be willing to take. Chances are much greater she'll have a lot more respect for you in the end. And even if she doesn't want to talk to you again, be secure knowing that you didn't play by her rules, and instead are telling her to play by yours, or hit the road.

[iamonlyhuman]

Personally i dont think it was a good idea asking her out to coffee, even if you had a nice, light and friendly convo prior to that!

 

You should not be making any sought of suggestions because she is with someone else now. ie. you shouldnt be surprised when she cancels , you should let her suggest coffee not you, obviously you haven't moved on or healed properly because she in a way has rejected your invitation and now you back to square one, questioning whether or not she still has feelings.....

 

I think on her part she just wants to see if she can still keep you hanging on just incase things dont work out between her and her current bf...

 

I think you are not handling it well, if you were her 'friend' then you would take what happened like a pinch of salt like i would or anyone would when a friend makes a last minute cancellation... so what I am saying is if you have feelings for her still then don't ask her out to places even if you feel you have moved on because now look at the outcome...

 

Well its a good thing you let her see that you weren't phased by her saying she can't make it, but from now on stick to NC and moving on and if she calls have your usual convos but let her invite you out for a change.

[peacemakesplenty]

I undersand what you are both saying. Ironically enough, after I had asked her out for coffee I realised that it probably wasn't the best thing to do, but didn't back out of it through curiosity as much as anything.

 

When we first split up I took it really badly. I had the sleepless nights etc. Although I realise that I am not quite over her yet, it is not taking over my life-it is more like an itch I can't scratch.

 

What is puzzling me is why she agreed to meet up at all. When we split the ex said that to meet with me would be too much like cheating for it too happen-and yet until literally the last minute she seemed ok with the idea.

 

I'm interested in what is going on in her head as even agreeing to meet in the first place was a complete 180 on what she had said only a few months ago. If I can come to sort of understanding to her motives then I will be in a better position to decide what to do for myself. I have moved on (maybe not as much as I thought) but after a long term relationship feelings linger on.

 

Another thing that that got me was the wording of her text to me when she said she didn't want to "hurt" the bf. If she had said "the bf doesn't/wouldn't like it" then fair enough. But doesn't the word "hurt" suggest that she may have had something else on her mind other than just meeting up as friends?

 

If things were really going well with the bf, especially after 4 months why would she still need me as a back up plan? If it was only 4 weeks well ok that I could understand.

[quing]

I think your reading into things too much and you can't let go.

I think she just did not want to hurt her boyfriend becasue she cares about his feelings.

 

How would you feel with you love of your life seeing her ex?

I would not like it.

I think she just wants to be friends with you but she can see clearly you want more.

 

I think you want closure in why she left you so quickly.

Don't get me wrong you sound a great caring guy but you sound very needy indeed and in the rules of attraction this is the biggest turn off for a women ever!

 

When she left you you should have said fine wished her well and left it.

Not send flowers and stuff, it just makes them feel claustophobic.

Women get drawn to men who are independent and do not 'need' them.

If you acted like she was not your biggest loss when she left you and you did not contact her she would curious and then this is when you could have started reeling her in without even trying.

 

This is how it appears at the beginning of relationship in the lust part but then the guy becomes needy and possesive and woman gets frightened.

[iamonlyhuman]

You dont need to know her motives, you might never know her motives.

Why waste precious time that you could be using to heal but instead using it to think of the possible motives of your ex girlfriend who is in a relationship, do you think she has time to think of you??, maybe she does but like I said , why waste time pondering...

 

I used to wonder what my ex could be thinking and what he really wanted, you could spend your whole life wondering and that makes you appear so dependant on their feelings, its not attractive and its not showing that you are strong. or at times it seems like you don't have a life....not good!

 

I made the decision since we broke up to NC him and he has called me but I would never intiate anything for example like asking him out somewhere becasue I knew I still had feelings for him and I knew he could easily mistreat me again or just be using me.. I didnt want to feel like that needy, insecure girl around him.

 

I haven't spoken to him for 3weeks now and I feel good, he has asked me to be friends but I said no, especially when I know I am not 100% healed or over him.

 

 

I am sorry to put it bluntly, and its harsh, but you know what i do?, I tell myself that yea my ex is with a new girl and yep they are happy together, yes me and him are over, he doesn't owe me anything , I don't owe him anything and I am capable of better things. This is the way to think and its the only way to understand what the reality is to move on up!

 

 

Its not good for anyone whether it be months or years to try and rekindle anything with an ex if they haven't even healed fully ESPECIALLY if the ex has a new person in their life aswell.. There is no need to interfere in what isn't yours anymore, don't be a spectator waiting for something to happen, its not healthy.

 

Forget about her and work on your self esteem, when you become that new person you will definitely see things differently, you will be able to see the bigger picture. Goodluck..

[peacemakesplenty]

I get your point and can see why I'm currently giving the impression that I am needy. The whole thing has stirred up things that would better have been left alone. But in spite of the impression I have given I have moved on.

 

What I am trying to do is generally work out is what is going on and why. The meaning of the text message she sent me that I posted was not originally mine, it was suggested by a friend and I thought it was worth having other peoples opinions on it.

 

As I mentioned in my OP I was only going to meet up with her as a friend. I had no intention of trying to get back together. I wasn't even sure that I would want to see her again after that.

 

If my ex had picked up vibes (which I did not give) that I wanted to be more than friends, I do not think that she would have even agreed to meet up with me in the first place. As I mentioned in the OP I am trying to understand why, when given several opportunities to back out, she did so only 5 minutes before before we were due to meet. I do not think it was only about hurting the bf, I think there may have been other reasons as well. The reason I posted in the first place was to get other peoples opinions as I know I have a tendency to over analyse things.

 

I learnt my lessons in the first few weeks after we split and will certainly not be chasing her again. The ex does not know anything about the way I am currently feeling-unless she frequents this site, which is unlikely. I am trying to work through both my own feelings and trying to make sense of what has just happened, precisely so that I do not go and do something I regret. There have been no anguished texts, phone calls or emails to her. Nor will there be. I have been following the NC advice that I was given on this site and I will continue to do that, not because I want her to come back, but because it helped me to move on. The events of the past few days haven't changed that. Remember she called me not the other way around. The few other times she has contacted me since the split have been via polite friendly text mesages. If we have contact again it will be because she has contacted me.

 

I understand what you are saying about her being in a relationship-I am not prepared to play second fiddle to her bf anyway. Just doesn't interest me.

[iamonlyhuman]

Way to go you seem to have your head screwed on the right way, I am with you on everything you said!! You seem pretty strong regardless of her reaction. Keep it going!!

[quing]

Well what ever she is up to, you should show the girl she can't screw with you as your self value is worth way more than she can afford.

She was probally after a bit more attention from you, dont give her any it will make her want more if you have no time for her.

Human beings want what they can't have, the value goes up on the un-obtainable. She knows you are there for her and I think she keeps checking that you are, as soon as you really are not or she has time for you, you have to get them chasing if they don't then so what, their loss.

You are the one, if she wants a piece of you even your time she should earn her meal ticket big time.

 

Ignore her calls get some more women on the go, thats right all at the same time, tell them all you are not ready for a serious relationship yet, that usually gets them agreeing but wanting more from you and if it all goes t*ts up then you can say, well I did say I was not ready.

 

It will take time but get that phone ringing so much that you get fed up with answering it!

Don't let them beat you down buddy, fight back!

[peacemakesplenty]

I hope nobody minds but I've reused this thread as it gives some background to what has happened between me and the ex recently. As always, I could use some opinions as to what she is up to.

 

As I said in my last post following my ex's behaviour I went back into NC until she contacted me again a little under two weeks ago.

 

My ex contacted me regarding a problem she was having that was so trivial ( and that she didn't need my help for) it seemed like a reason just to contact me. I was so convinced she just wanted to make contact that a few days later I sent her a birthday card just to see what would happen. To my surprise she contacted me on the evening of her birthday and we ended up texting each other for over an hour.

 

There was no further contact for exactly a week unti she contacts me again to tell mne that there is mail for me at her house and would I like to collect it or have it forwarded. I decided to go and pick it up and went to her house just over a week ago to pick it up.

 

We got on well and talked, and she told-without my asking as I had decided that talking about her b/f and my recent ex was not something I was prepared to do-about the things the b/f was doing that was making her unhappy. She did not say "unhappy" but that was the impression I got. We later went out and had lunch together which we both enjoyed.

 

On Tuesday of this week she rings me to help her with a computer problem and I go around to help out. We had a few beers, she makes me pizza and we talk again for a couple of hours until I decide that it is time to go.

 

Yesterday, she has a job interview and I sent her a text to wish her luck. She didn't respond to that so I rang after the interview but she didn't answer her phone. Later on in the evening she rang saying that she didn't want to answer earlier as she wanted peace and privacy before she talked to me. We were on the phone for over an hour and it went well. As the call ended she asked me to keep in touch so said I'd ring her in the week. However, she was not able to tell me what she was working this week (she works shifts) but did drop hints.

 

I sent her a text this morning but she hasn't replied.

 

After little contact for months all of a sudden she seems to be back in my life and she seems to be letting me in again. There has been no talk of getting back together-but she knows that I still care for her and her actions are giving me the impression that she wants me back in her life.

 

Any ideas or suggestions as to what is going on? I know I would like to get back with her but I need to keep my feet on the ground and not get carried away with the whole situation.

[iamonlyhuman]

My advice is to stay away. She is still with her boyfriend so she is still a no go area, she hasn't SPOKEN to you about crucial matters such as getting back together so don't bother. I think you should not respond so eagerly to her invitations and requests as it is still putting youself in the needy mode.

 

How do you feel doing all theses things with her knowing that she has a boyfriend?? don't you have any self respect or dignity??

 

Can you please NC her form now on?? if she starts wondering why you are ignoring her its becasue you don't want to play second fiddle like you said in your previous post, simple as that!!!

 

I gather you want her back in your life?? so you need to let her feel your absense and your not allowing that but please focus mainly on getting your self healed. She will always know you will be there for her no matter what she does and that spells out insecurity. Don't be her lap dog. You are making her transition with this new bf very easy by being there for her....is that what you want??

 

You need to get STRICT no messin, NC from now on yea?? and when she does break your NC by contacting you, I hope you are going to say that you are busy!!

[peacemakesplenty]

In some ways I completely agree with what you are saying and I completely agree with where you are coming from. If it was anybody else in this position I would be givng exactly the same advice.

 

The b/f is, I think, on his way out. It has been and always will be a rebound relationship which is, based on what she has told me, on the point of breaking. But yes-and I get your point-she is still with him.

 

The simple fact is that I have been doing NC, it is the Ex that continually breaks it. Which suggests to me that I am not the only one who has not moved on. I see no reason to be unfriendly towards her, and I don't really feel like her lap dog-I'm doing no more or less than I would do for any of my friends.

 

THis time around I am more concerned with why she is doing what she is doing. For example In May she wouldn't meet for coffe, but a little over 4 weeks later lunch is ok? Whats the difference? What has changed for her?

 

My ex is also a very private person and the things that she is discussing with me suggest that she is letting me back in. I am aware that she still has a b/f, and as long as he is in the picture I will be exceptionally careful about the whole thing. I guess what I would like to know is whether she is still interested in me or not. Her actions recently seem to say that she is, we have more contact in the past week than the previous 6 months-and its pretty obvious I guess that I'm still interested in her.

 

I haven't tried to discuss rekindling the relationship either. It is not the right time. I won't either while there is a b/f around.

 

I understand what you say about being busy but when she contacted me last week I did not rush around. In fact I deliberately waited a few days before going around.

 

She made the transition to the new b/f months ago. I don't think that is something I have to worry about. What I do worry about is making the transition from the b/f easy for her.

 

Another point: How does she feel doing all these things with me when she has a b/f? She's not exactly cheating on him as such but I doubt if he would be happy to know I had been around to her place late in the evening or that she is having late night chats with me when he's not around. In fact maybe it is a way of cheating on him.

 

I doubt if I'm going to go into full NC but I will back off some. I think that she has started to realise what she is missing. It won't do any harm to let her think some more will it?

[iamonlyhuman]

I think that she has started to realise what she is missing. It won't do any harm to let her think some more will it?

 

Think some more by NC? no it won't harm her if its all for good reasons right ?

 

I think she is beginning to realise what she lost but you won't be much of a loss soon if you keep being there for her, I think right now you have the right idea to NC her alittle, if the bf is on his way out like you say, then give her the space for this to happen or she will continue to date you both like she is doing.

 

When my exbf was still seeing his recent ex gf, he met up with me to tell me that he didnt want her, he was in a very unhappy and confused state and he gave me the impression that they were to finish soon. My reaction to that was to give him space to regroup his thoughts. I NCd him straight away after that.(byt the way we are slowly getting back together).

 

Another point: How does she feel doing all these things with me when she has a b/f? She's not exactly cheating on him as such but I doubt if he would be happy to know I had been around to her place late in the evening or that she is having late night chats with me when he's not around. In fact maybe it is a way of cheating on him.

 

 

She feels confused, she is going back and forth like a yoyo, giving her space to think will stop the yoyo effect. She might choose him over you or vice versa and you will only find out by not playing second fiddle.

 

THis time around I am more concerned with why she is doing what she is doing. For example In May she wouldn't meet for coffe, but a little over 4 weeks later lunch is ok? Whats the difference? What has changed for her?

 

She is testing the waters to see whether you still have feelings for her, if over that 4 weeks you were in NC then she is missing you.

 

In general I think you have nearly the right mind set accept I don't think you want to go into full on NC.

 

She might not realise this but inviting you out and so on is suffocating her thoughts which need to be regrouped in order for her to make up her mind what she wants, you or him, going out with her is preventing that from happening.

The opportunity for you two to be together again depends on her giving her self space from you and you need to remind her of that, maybe you should tell her that she needs time away to think what she wants and that you wont be able to stay incontact until that happens, I don't know.

 

i hope i am making sense anyway.

I am sure the experts in here could do a better job.

[peacemakesplenty]

Iam...You are making perfect sense. It seems like you have already been through all this and experience is a great teacher.

 

Since May when I last posted I did go back into NC, just as I said I would. It was broken by her about 2 weeks ago. I am not convinced that NC is the right thing to do now, if I want to get back together with her. It was her suggestion that that we keep in touch yesterday and it is something that I want to do.

 

What you have said about giving her space makes a lot of sense. I think that she is beginning to think about me more often, but I have to give her the time to miss me and to look forward to talking and being with me again. If I do too much too soon, or push too hard I could end blowing it.

 

THe b/f remains a concern. She went out of her way to tell me that he was p***ing her off. I didn't ask and have no interest in the relationship. I do suspect that her recent actions suggest that he is no longer the "blue eyed boy" he once was though. I am still not prepared to play second fiddle. I have come a long way in 6 months, but that does not mean that I wouldn't try again if the chance arose.

 

Time as always will tell.

 

Good luck with your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

[iamonlyhuman]

I have to give her the time to miss me and to look forward to talking and being with me again. If I do too much too soon, or push too hard I could end blowing it.

 

Totally and untterly true, take your own advice!

 

 

 

I do suspect that her recent actions suggest that he is no longer the "blue eyed boy" he once was though. I am still not prepared to play second fiddle. I have come a long way in 6 months, but that does not mean that I wouldn't try again if the chance arose.

 

Time as always will tell.

 

Good luck with your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

 

I don't need to add anymore to that, seems like you know what you have to do. Thanks for the good luck yea I am gona need it!! Good luck to you too. PS. Patience is the key but don't hope it will tear you up inside!