Why am I not considerate of anyone's feelings?

[Nekrotik]

Does this make me a selfish person? For the longest time, I have lost touch with good, kind friends due to lack of interest, hurt and bewilder the people that I do know care about me...hell, I don't even clean up after myself, much to my 2 roomates' disgust.

 

Thinking today, I realized that I am not, and have not ever been, considerate of other people's thoughts and feelings. Is this common in only-child households? I'm almost 27, and do not want this to become a lifelong flaw. My mother always asks where I am because I never return her calls, old friends send emails that I never respond to...the only and best friend that I do have right now is about fed up with me because I constantly put him through guilt trips. What's wrong with me?

[sidhat]

Dear,

 

WELLCOME TO ENOTALONE...

So,

This is simple a phase I was also one time become like that .. I bet you fell like doing nothing and really ignorant ,, but its really problematic phase.. Its all because we lose intrest in ourself and lose self respect.. I would suggest you to get active more and the best way to cope with it is join gym and stick on diet.

You will overcome on this situation ..

 

take care

 

Good Luck..

[smallworld]

I blame your parents. Kidding aside, it's good that you recognize your selfishness is costing your relationships. Relationships are all about RECIPROCITY. The bottom line is the less you reciprocrate the more people's feelings are hurt and the less motivated they are to maintain a relationship with you.

 

Selfishness is a bad habit. The good news is if you really want to change, you can learn to become more aware of other people's feelings and learn to give as well as take. Simply treat others as you like to be treated and your relationships should get better.

[PhoenixInATL]

Well, not being a psychologist, I'll at least give you my thoughts.

 

And before any of you that are the "only child" slay me, read through, I'm just trying to be analytical...not opinionated.

 

It's possible that being an only child deprives you of the early opportunity to learn some things. For example, if you had a sibling, you'd have to share, you'd get in arguments where either your feelings or their feelings would be hurt, and you'd see/feel that, and your parents would hopefully address it, etc.

 

I have friends that have been only children and although it's not always the case, there seems to be more of them that are centered around themselves than my friends that have siblings. I've also seen it where the siblings are far apart in age. As a disclaimer, I've seen the "only child" that has been very generous emotionally, and I've seen people with siblings be very self-centered.

 

I'd say proportionately I see it more in people that are an only child than with people that have siblings. However, I think it's more likely a character flaw in people that have siblings. In people that are an only child and exhibit this characteristic (not all do) it's more a matter of missing out on some of life's earlies lessons. But it's never too late to learn!

 

I think you're very brave in acknowledging it and asking for advice. It's not easy to admit your percieved or real shortcomings to yourself nevermind others. I think it's great that you're considering addressing it! And that's what shows me that it's not a character flaw within you, because if it were, you wouldn't care about it, ironically, by definition.

 

But I'm an example myself. And I DO have a sibling. There are times I don't return people's calls, emails, etc. I do have a hard time cleaning up after myself sometimes.

 

In my case, I spent a lot of time alone as a child and wasn't well socialized. My dad was absentee and my mom moved us over 15 times so I didn't have much of a chance to learn about friendships. And the disparity with which she treated my brother and I often left me alone. She take him out to dinner and leave me at home. Eventually she signed me away to the State of Pennsylvania. So I had no one and as a result am now comfortable being mostly alone. So in a sense I was an "only child" but without parents even.

 

However, I have since recognized the tendencies I have now, to not culture friendships other than a few that were particularly meaningful to me. Sometimes I feel guilty about my lack of "reaching out and touching someone" unless it's a crisis. Funny thing is that I have a lot of empathy for people, probably because of my mom. In fact, I started a program that linked up a girls in a youth center with a horse rescue center. But when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I'm on my own.

 

((For anyone reading this that has been through similar experiences, there is hope. I beat the odds. I now have a house I bought on my own, I have a professional job, and overall I'm doing well. I may be a bit behind the 8-ball in life (I've never been married and have no children), but statistics say I should never have made it this far.))

 

So yeah, sometimes you're like this due to being an only child, sometimes it's your life circumstances. And as said there's no hard and fast rule that either of those predict that you will be centered around yourself. However, the important thing is that you've recognized it and asked for help. I think that's GREAT!!!

 

Perhaps practicing it, going out of your way to acknowledge someone's birthday, for example. Anything that you could guess would be meaningful to them. The funny thing is when you do, and they appreciate it and you know it, it becomes almost addicting to get that "warm and fuzzy" feeling that you made someone's day! Make it a goal to try to "make someone's day" once a day and see how good it makes you feel! Ironically, it is still centered around your feelings, but in doing so you've made someone else feel good too.

 

I think some people are more extroverted and some are more introverted. It doesn't mean we care any less. It means we're just introverted. But I've found that the experience I feel when I've made someone's day helps me and helps them, and accomplishes the same purpose that the "extroverted" people just do naturally.

 

Just my thoughts. Sorry it was long.

[Rainz]

Phoenix,

I grew up as an only child even though I have an older sibling who lived outside our family home but came and spent weekends.

 

I don't feel that during my childhood I had been deprived the opportunity to learn about sharing, arguing etc I grew up very close with some first cousins of mine and spent from 0-5 living with my parents and extended family. Even then throughout my childhood my extended family was always together.

I think if anything for me it made me quite self-sufficient, I've always been quite independent, admittedly I am spoiled to a degree as well

 

I always make the effort to keep up with my friends etc via phonecalls, emails etc....and it's not like me to not get back and just be generally unresponsive. The people I know personally who are self centered, selfish and self absorbed, in my expereince, those with close siblings.

 

I'm far from self-centered, I've only learned in recent years that it's ok to say No to people, that it's ok to think of myself first. In fact I don't think I know anyone personally more giving than me, seriously! Not blowing my own trumpet.

 

I generally think that it's, less of a character flaw and more about how you've been raised. What are your values, morals? How have you been taught to treat others? What was instilled in you growing up?

 

 

Nekrotik,

You clearly realise that this isn't going to serve you well throughout your life, so that's good. You need to give in order to get. I'm sure you realise that.

Give your Mum a call, ask her how she is. Just generally show interest in those around you.

What I wondered is, since you're not investing in your relationships with us, what do you do for social interaction? Who do you interact with and how?

[PhoenixInATL]

Rainz, I'm sorry if I offended you. I even tried in my post to say I was just being "analytical" and it's just my casual observations and not a rule, and to admit my shortcomings too.

 

Regarding how I was raised, one time after getting a block down the street and realizing that the cashier must've thought I gave her a $20 instead of a $10, and I had more money than I started with, I walked back to the store and gave the money back.

 

I tip bartenders and servers at LEAST 20%.

 

I've came accross out-of-state motorists in I-85 that had gotten into an accident in rush-hour Atlanta traffic, and despite the fact that it would get me in trouble for being late, I stopped. I asked them if they called 911. They said they didn't yet because they didn't know where they were. I called 911 for them, and then blocked the highway with my vehicle so they could get to the shoulder out of harm and traffic's way. Most people just blew their horns at them.

 

I save kittens out of trees.

 

One time this very elderly gentlemen asked me in a drugstore aisle "Would you do me a favor?" After my initial waryness, he explained that his wife had been homebound due to illness for numerous years. Their anniversary was coming up, and he wanted to buy a card for her, but he also needed to buy a card from her to him. But he wanted the card from her to him to be a surprise for him, so he asked me, a complete stranger, to pick one out from her so she could give it to him. It about broke my heart! I asked him how long they'd been married, and he said over 50 years.

 

I took my time reading through the cards to find one that seemed fitting, and finally picked one out about "the seasons of life". They've been through all of that. I turned the card upside down, so he couldn't read it, with it's accompanying envelope and gave it to him. I understand from the cashier that he said "This card is a surprise. Don't let me see it when you ring it through." And then he left.

 

So yeah, not all "only children" are inconsiderate. Essentially being one too, I never meant that. And I've proved your point.

[Rainz]

Wasn't saying you were being offensive, just giving you an only child perspective that's all

I think it comes down to the individual though, some people are just "takers", it just seems to be in their nature regardless of the family environment they were raised in and/or the values they were taught.

[PhoenixInATL]

I totally agree with you there!