repress or revisit-how to make the 'bogeyman' go away?

[zabsy]

any advice? memories seem to be coming back to haunt me-best to ignore and hope they go away? or try to figure them out? piece the pieces back together?

 

so in the background is an abusive relationship with a coach when I was younger. I started training with him when I was about 13, and he was 26. About a year later it started getting more physical-and inappropriate. It took me almost two years to get away-I finally ended up quitting competitions and any form of training just to get away. I think by then people must have figured out something was on. It wasn't that long ago, but my whole memory of all those years is a bit hazy.

I struggled through soe rough patches and thought I was doing ok. Even made it through him finding my unlisted phone number and calling me. Didn't go to therapy, felt worst of all for my parents who were heartbroken when they found out, specially my dad. I can't imagine how bad I must have made him feel.

I'm guessing on some level I must have justified it all somehow, figured I was just immature for my age. He was never mean, just manipulative. Now, I'm almost his age and I look at kids who are the age I was then and find what he did just unfathomably wrong. And I'm still a year younger than he was. And I live in NYC-where teenagers are hugely different and more grown up acting than years ago in the smaller state I grew up in.

Also found out a few years ago he was doing the same thing to my best friend at the time. This was my bestest friend ever, we shared everything-except the one thing we really should have. Makes it even harder to even attempt to justify the guys actions.

I've had boyfriends, my first love, my first broken heart and all that, which I felt to some extent made me not have missed so much. He was my first kiss, took my virginity, my first everything physical. and now I'm starting to get flashbacks...

 

I've never been to therapy,and at the moment I'm a student with no insurance so its not really an option...

Is there anyone who has gone to therapy or has experience who could suggest how I can move on? I was doing so well...

[smallworld]

*Hugs* Zabsy, It really broke my heart to read your post. It saddens me to think you blame yourself for what happened when you were 13, naive, and up against a determined, sick, manipulative adult. I just want you to know that I care and you're not alone. I don't know your parents, but I sincerely doubt they blame you. If they're sad and distant, it's probably because they feel guilty that they weren't aware of what he was doing at the time and blame themselves for not better protecting you.

 

I've never been sexually abused, but I've had one-on-one therapy for depression. It was useful, but I honestly made more progress in group therapy where I had a chance to not only get my issues out on the table, but be comforted by and learn from others stories. It really helps to work through these problems with people who understand exactly what you're going through and won't judge you for whatever it is you have to say.

 

Group therapy also has the added benefit of being free or very cheap.

I did a quick search and this list came up. Hope it helps!

 

link removed

[smallworld]

If you go to university, you might also want to check out the school's counseling center for low cost therapy options. Good luck!

[zabsy]

I was hoping for something more along the lines of don't worry it'll go away by itself. But I guess deep down I know better.

Assumed I had gotten over it since I spent years not even thinking about it once...

[smallworld]

I was hoping for something more along the lines of don't worry it'll go away by itself.

 

OK, "Don't worry it'll go away by itself."

Is that better?

 

If you're comfortable with the way things are, then stay the course. BUT from my own experience, therapy makes it go away much faster and more effectively. Good luck!