zabsy

I was hoping for something more along the lines of don't worry it'll go away by itself. But I guess deep down I know better. Assumed I had gotten over it since I spent years not even thinking about it once...

any advice? memories seem to be coming back to haunt me-best to ignore and hope they go away? or try to figure them out? piece the pieces back together? so in the background is an abusive relationship with a coach when I was younger. I started training with him when I was about 13, and he was 26. About a year later it started getting more physical-and inappropriate. It took me almost two years to get away-I finally ended up quitting competitions and any form of training just to get away. I think by then people must have figured out something was on. It wasn't that long ago, but my whole memory of all those years is a bit hazy. I struggled through soe rough patches and thought I was doing ok. Even made it through him finding my unlisted phone number and calling me. Didn't go to therapy, felt worst of all for my parents who were heartbroken when they found out, specially my dad. I can't imagine how bad I must have made him feel. I'm guessing on some level I must have justified it all somehow, figured I was just immature for my age. He was never mean, just manipulative. Now, I'm almost his age and I look at kids who are the age I was then and find what he did just unfathomably wrong. And I'm still a year younger than he was. And I live in NYC-where teenagers are hugely different and more grown up acting than years ago in the smaller state I grew up in. Also found out a few years ago he was doing the same thing to my best friend at the time. This was my bestest friend ever, we shared everything-except the one thing we really should have. Makes it even harder to even attempt to justify the guys actions. I've had boyfriends, my first love, my first broken heart and all that, which I felt to some extent made me not have missed so much. He was my first kiss, took my virginity, my first everything physical. and now I'm starting to get flashbacks... I've never been to therapy,and at the moment I'm a student with no insurance so its not really an option... Is there anyone who has gone to therapy or has experience who could suggest how I can move on? I was doing so well...