Ten Years Down The Drain

[NoLoveAqui]

My (now ex) boyfriend and I were together for 10 years. Over half of that time, we were in a long distance relationship.

 

During our time apart he started getting extremely jealous and wanted to know where I was every second of the day. Sometimes when he would call, he would hear a male voice on my TV in the background, and would accuse me of have another man at the house (which I never did). When I questioned him about why he was so distrustful of me, he told me that since he couldn't be with me physically, it made him feel insecure. For some reason, I accepted that explaination, and I stayed with him.

 

Of course, it got worse...

 

Soon he was suspicious of all my friends. He thought they were all trying to influence me to date other people in his absense. They weren't, and I don't even know where he got that idea.

 

Anyway, during the time he was ragging on my friends, my Mom got ill. I went to stay with her and take care of her for a while, and the fact that I was away from my friends seemed to make him happy. He asked me to consider moving in with my Mom permenently. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I could help my Mom, and make him happy at the same time. Wrong.

 

He still accused me of having guys at my Mom's house, and to top it off, since I was living so far away from my old friends, I started losing track of them.

 

Fast forward to October 2004. He came home, and we moved in together. We started making plans to get married. About a month later, I started to get the feeling that something wasn't right. For one thing, he had this mad obsession about his cell phone. He didn't want me to touch it. Period. He didn't even want me to look at it the wrong way. Naturally, that made me really suspicious.

 

Through the cell phone (which I wasn't supposed to touch) I found out that he had been cheating on me. I figured out his voice mail password, and heard messages from other women; and before you ask, no, I am not ashamed of that.

 

I confronted him, and he admitted that he did cheat on me. He promised me that it would never happen again. I told him that if he didn't love me that he should leave. He said he loved me. I told him that the only thing I wanted was a MONOGAMOUS man, and he said that he was capable of that type of commitment. He promised that if there ever came a time when he felt like there were problems in our relationship, or if he felt the urge to cheat again that he would talk to me about it first. Yeah, that was another lie.

 

Thursday night he asked me to hand him his cell phone. I don't know what it was, but a little voice inside my head said, 'Check the text messages on his cell phone before you give it to him.'

I thought, 'Ok, I'll just check the last one that came in.'

Sure enough, it was from some girl.

 

I confronted him once again. He tried to deny it, but I knew he was lying. Before I even knew what I was saying, I told him to get his things and get out.

 

I'm so hurt and confused. I don't know what went wrong. I did everything I could for this man, and it still wasn't good enough. I'll never know why.

 

He's been calling ever since he left, but I won't answer his calls. He keeps leaving text and voice messages, and that just makes it harder for me to push thoughts of him out of my head.

 

When we met, I was 26, single, had lots of friends, and an active social life. Now I'm 36, no friends, no life, and I don't know what to do. To be honest, right now I don't feel motivated to do anything but cry.

 

I feel so alone. I'm not young and pretty anymore, and I seriously doubt I will be able to find a compatible mate this late in life. I also feel stupid for letting my boyfriend's insecurities influence my life decisions; but it's too late now.

 

Where do I go from here? How do I move on? Make new friends? Meet new people? Someone suggested that I take a vacation, but I don't want to travel alone. I don't want to do anything alone, but that's what I am.

Alone.

[PhoenixInATL]

It's not down the drain. I'll write more tomorrow, but I just wanted you to know that I'm in a similar spot that you are. And it sure feels like it's "down the drain". I'm now 35 and spent the last numerous years putting my heart and soul into a relationship that I see now is going nowhere. He even went so far as to get a job where I work, and I have to see him daily. I love him, but he's demonstrated again and again that he's not healthy for me. I finally caught on. But nonetheless, the passage of time is what it is.

 

Do you have children? Do you want to have children in the future?

 

That's one thing I struggle with. If I could, I'd put off the children thing for another ten years. But at the same time I was in a relationhip were I was a "mom" to two young children and loved it.

 

So I guess my biggest concern regarding that is that I may run out of time to have my own. I don't tend to jump into relationships, which is good, but at the same time it now limits me in this regard.

 

To make it worse, I recently found out that my dad has less than a year to live, and I feel guilty that I haven't made him a "granddad" yet. I know he'd be an awesome one.

 

Too many thoughts...

 

~ H

[NoLoveAqui]

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My heart goes out to you. My Mom has cancer, and I don't know how much longer she will be with us, either.

 

I don't have any children, but my ex desperately wanted me to get pregnant. Just last Sunday, exactly one week ago today, he said he wished I would become pregnant in the next month... *sigh*

 

But no, I'm not planning on trying to have any children now. I know my Mom would like to be a Grandma, too, but it's not in the cards. Even though technically, I still have time, in reality, my time has run out.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm so sorry for you. No one should have to waste a month of their lives with a loser like him, let alone ten years, and especially not such a considerate person like you.

 

It sounds like you did everything you could to be considerate of this man despite his irrational paranoia, and in the end it was him that was cheating on you! What a complete jerk! Be glad you've realized it now before you did end up pregnant with his child, or married to him. God knows how many more years of your life would have been wasted with him.

 

Whatever you do, don't let him sweet talk you into getting back together! He doesn't deserve you. If he keeps calling and text messaging you, call the phone company and have them put a block on his numbers so he can't call you from his home or with his cell phone anymore.

 

You're still young. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone you can be happy with, and even have children if you like. Although I would recommend some time alone first so you can get over your previous relationship.

[nexus532]

Well theres nothing to say that would give your ten years back, its something you have to take expierance from. Theres deffentally a time to reflect on things, which will be now. Don't go out looking for love right away. Like they say rebounds always make things worse. Try to re-establish things with old friends, this will allow you to become more attune with things around you. Overall this is a time for you to be strong, having this breakup may have been the best thing that has happened to you(in a different aspect). Now you will be able to travel, go on a vacation over seas, see new things, talk with old friends, cautch up on old memories. Use this chance to expand your life. After all not many people in there young thirties will have as much freedom as you. I hope my thoughts help you. HAVE FUN!!

[NoLoveAqui]

My ex left a ton of voice messages last night. He says that he doesn't understand why I won't talk to him.

 

He owes me money, and he's trying to use that to get me to answer his calls. He keeps saying he just wants to pay what he owes. I mean, yeah, I need the money, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him right now. I'm not even sure if he really has the money, anyway. I suspect it's just a ploy to get me to talk to him.

 

Oh, and get this, he said he was getting a new apartment, and he wants me to move in with him!!! WTF is that about???

 

He lied to me, he cheated on me, so why does he act like he still wants to be with me? I don't get it.

 

I'm so confused. I'm positive he'll be calling again later, and I know we need to talk about the money...but I don't think I'm ready. I know he'll try to talk about our relationship, and I'm definitely not ready for that conversation right now.

 

I really don't get it. I don't. Why is he trying to get back together? So he can cheat on me some more?!

[PhoenixInATL]

He might be commitmentphobic, like mine was. They can't live with you, can't live without you. When they're with you, they do everything they can to "escape" (cheating is a hallmark), and when they're without you, the pressure is off, and all they want is to have you back. I've been through it again, and again, and again with my ex. A good book..."He's Scared, She's Scared" by Stephen Carter. Very insightful, and I was finally able to stop turning it over and over in my head, trying to figure it out.

[PhoenixInATL]

You know, regarding what he said about the pregnancy thing...

 

My ex said something like that too. In fact, he's been married twice, but both times because she got pregnant. And without getting graphic, there's been a few times where I think he tried to get us pregnant. It's like he knows that the only way he can jump the fence with us is if he's "obligated", because going on love alone seems to strike terror in him.

[PhoenixInATL]

And I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I know what you're going through. Trust me on that one. Feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't know what your financial situation is, but if it's only a small amount, you can considerate it a small price to pay for having this loser out of your life. If you really do need the money, when he calls you can pick up the phone, tell him to mail you a check, and then hang up on him immediately!

 

Be strong. You don't need him.

[stressed1]

Hi,

 

My feelings go out to you, they really do. I am involved with a married woman whose husband has cheated on her 4 times in their brief 2 1/2 yr marriage.....he cheated on his first wife to be with her. so, and as i cant get through to her, i will say the same things to you. If someone cheats on somebody the first time, the bond and trust is broken. like trying to rebuild a crushed egg, v v hard. he has cheated on u repeatedly, he will almost certainly do so again. why? he almost certainly doesnt love you, has the security that you will always be there and also knows u will take him back (though this time IS diff?!). things wont change, and why should they, and why should he even be given the chance?

 

complete and utter loser springs to mind (him). ur still attractive and still young, you poss might have had or do have self esteem probs...this guy almost certainly knows this and uses it to his full advantage. so ur the victim in this sordid game, and he will use it to full effect. you will put urself in a position to keep getting abused. maybe you subconsciously need to be abused in this way. maybe u get a chemical high from the highs and lows.

 

seek some help, get ur friends back asap, rebuild. set ur self standards. if u do want him back, and he comes back, give urself a no going back limit (to be kept religiously). though quite frankly i could predict the outcome of that one and he doesnt deserve it!

 

thoughts are with u.