death flowers have the sweetest scent

[spaggle]

im sick of this world, most of all im sick of me, well not me but the thing tht hides me which wont budge. i wish i knew who i was. too late now anyways. bye

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

It's not too late to start trying to get closer to yourself. Suicide is in fact the only thing that will make a happy life impossible for ever.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to (like closer than us here?)

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[PhoenixInATL]

Hey there, don't go! It's never too late to start anew! You can pull through this!

[badburnz]

What to say?

We may all be a bunch of electronic noises floating in the ether, but we're here. You got our attention.

Don't go.

 

Whatever it is, there's got to be a solution.

 

Whenever I'm feeling messed up I find that writing my problems down help to clarify them. Sometimes thats all I need. Sometimes I need somebody else to help give me that clarity.

 

Perhaps you should just clear your mind and let your fingers go?

 

Don't go.

[spaggle]

hello, nope no one close. no one at all. my parents are narrow minded...so narrow minded and stupid in fact that my dad was going to attempt suicide not only coz of stress at work, but because my sister was dating a black guy..how narrow minded can you get. how am i suppose to be able to talk to people like that. how am i suppose to talk about myself when i dont know who that person is

[arwen]

hey,

 

Yeah, I read about your dad in another post. It's difficult to deal with your parents when their views on the world are really very different or even opposite to your own.

 

How about your sister? Is she still living at home, and does she know how you feel about things?

 

I find it helpful to write short stories or paint when I feel I lose touch with myself (which in the past would go as far as really not knowing who I was).

 

Has anything specific happened recently that makes you feel so down today?

 

Ilse.

[spaggle]

I used to deeply rely on a theatre company that i pretty much spent my whole time at. but since i moved schools as im now in sixth form, school and the theatre have kind of reversed roles. i used to get badly beaten up at my old school, but now at sixth form everythings really nice, whereas at my theatre i used to rely on it, and see my directors as my parents, but now at the theatre people talk about me behind my back, and last night i heard many of these comments at a party, and it hurt, alot. obviouly thats not the main reason to why im feeling down, its many things put together. i cant even think of what to write, thats how blocked my mind is.

I have no motivation to do art prep coursework which is in for tues. I dont want to fail, but why is it my mind is stopping me from trying. i really dont understand.

I used to have such big beliefs,opinions and morals, but now theyve all gone, i do things which before i thought was horrible and wouldnt even been in the same room as it (smoking). its like im not myself and try to be someone else to try and fit in, but when i do that i end up doing things which make the situation worse and make people hate me even more. i dont have the ability to go and talk to people without being extremely shy, unless im drunk. i hate who i am and i hate who my family are, but most of all i disrespect myself and what i have become

[spaggle]

my sister moved out the other day, sorry i forgot to add that in

[CrystalDawn]

Try to find something that will keep your spirits up and try not to let other people get to you. I know that can be hard. But you can't please everyone nor can you get everyone to like you. I'll be around if you would like to talk you can send me a privite message and I will answer it as soon as I can.

[arwen]

Hey spaggle,

 

So there are some things that have happened; next to what happens at the theatre, your sister moved out. It's really hard to focus at school when you feel so messed up and blocked, I know.

 

It helps to start with just 1 thing, instead of looking at the whole mountain of things you have to do. I like to make 'to do lists' and put a big fat cross over an item once I finished it. Just a thought for the homework-part.

 

I think this is the most striking part of your message:

 

I used to have such big beliefs,opinions and morals, but now theyve all gone, i do things which before i thought was horrible and wouldnt even been in the same room as it (smoking). its like im not myself and try to be someone else to try and fit in, but when i do that i end up doing things which make the situation worse and make people hate me even more. i dont have the ability to go and talk to people without being extremely shy, unless im drunk. i hate who i am and i hate who my family are, but most of all i disrespect myself and what i have become

 

I think that one of the most difficult things in life is when you feel like you can't be true to yourself. Somehow you got yourself involved in things that don't belong to who you are to yourself. But those are not irreversible things you are talking about! You can quit smoking, for starters. I don't know how long you have been smoking, but I can tell you life just tastes and smells better without tabacco

 

What I am saying is that I think it's best to separate things you can change yourself from things that you have little influence on. Like this:

 

Things that happened around you:

 

* people talking behind your back

* who your parents are, and what their beliefs/morals are

* your sister moving out

 

Those are the things you cannot change. The only thing you can do about them is to try and change the way you deal with them. Do you want to be friends with people that say nasty things about someone else's back? Keep in mind, they have more issues than you do. People who have to put OTHER people down, do so to get a better feeling about themselves. That's pretty pathetic, in my eyes.

 

Don't change yourself to fit in with those kind of people. You already said yourself: it made you lose your self respect. Be proud to stand out and be different. In the end, we are all unique individuals.

 

Things you can change:

 

* well, smoking for starters

* drinking to 'numb' the shyness, so to say

* to a certain degree: interaction with other people

 

The last two are related, of course. I know acting as a social being is really difficult when you are shy and overaware of yourself. Still, I think there are different ways, ways that might be 'closer' to who you are, to deal with it.

 

I think being in the theatre scene already was a good thing for you. I am really sorry that the people turned out to be such a disappointment. Do you live in a small town? Maybe you can change to another group/society for theatre?

 

Maybe it will help you to work out more physically as well. It can be a support when you quit smoking, but next to that, your confidence increases if you feel fit and healthy.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Ilse.

[spaggle]

hi, i agree i can change some of these thins, but its easier said than done, for one not knowing who i am and what my morals are anymore makes matters a bit more difficult. I would change theatres apart from this theatre is a national youth theatre for young people, so i will benefit from it in the future, i just wish that the "populars" werent so mean and stuck up there, i mean yeah i get main parts and stuff but it doesnt mean that i have to be mean about everyone behind there backs. its not really fair. The thing about me is since i left my old school where i got beaten up, i hadnt had any problems of the social bullying kind since i had left, which was near enough 1 school year ago. so something like that happening hit me really hard, i thought i had passed that uncomfortable stage in my life. i had been feeling really bad before things were said about me, but it just hurts more now, and makes me more aware. I deleted that girls phone number from my mobile, just incase i decided to text her asking her why she said it, and most of all why she thought she could say it to my best friend.

 

I dont mind that my sister has moved out, it seems better that we can get along when shes over and not have to be arguing 24-7. It just however means im left with both of my parents.

There is something that bubbles up inside me when i talk to my parents something that snaps and makes me a mirror image of them, i shout i get aggressive, but inside i dont see why im doing this, it confuses me. I dont understand why i get so aggressive with them.

 

I still cant get my artwork done, im trying so hard to concentrate but i just wander off and do something else, i dont understand why. Its in for tomorrow, hmmm, this isnt good.

 

Im not sure if you may have read my post a while ago on self harm, but ever since i did that i kinda regretted it, the fact tht itll prob scar, but i also want to do it again, just to know that im here and im real, and to feel like i can control something..to a degree.

 

Alot of my friends are in upper sixth (the year above me, and the last year at school) which means they will be leaving in a couple of weeks and going to uni, that hurts so much, i dont know what im going to do when they leave.

 

this will sound extremely stupid and definatley crazy, but i used to have this beautiful imaginary world in my head, one that i wanted to let escape into this world to transform it, like through writing a book, or doing a beautiful piece of artwork, or just by acting. but somehow this world has disintergrated in my mind and has shattered into a million pieces.

 

reading things or being in a play made me feel like i wasnt alone, i could relate to so many characters, but thats the thing they are only fictional characters, ones that have been overly theatrical, which makes me feel like i myself am fiction. maybe my world had escaped but like led run down all over my body so i am the only one who lives in this world, but to others im still here as a fool. reminds me a bit of Don Quixote

 

Yeah sorry I am rambling, im not sure why..i wonder how many of my paragraphs i put im not sure why in. thats an interesting thought.

 

sorry i woke up couple hours ago so im in one of my weird moods. spaggle

[arwen]

The thing about me is since i left my old school where i got beaten up, i hadnt had any problems of the social bullying kind since i had left, which was near enough 1 school year ago. so something like that happening hit me really hard, i thought i had passed that uncomfortable stage in my life. i had been feeling really bad before things were said about me, but it just hurts more now, and makes me more aware.

 

Of course it hurts even more now. It's because you assumed it would be a phase y'all would be going through at school. Now that you still get this treatment- later in life and from other people- it's hard to convince yourself that it still does not say anything about you or who you are. (although that is the truth, still).

 

I was bullied for a long time. I never cried at that time. It will still happen that some random kids that hang around on the streets will call me really really offensive names. The things that are offensive to any woman- if you know what I mean. It hurts and I can be very upset when it happens: somehow it makes me think that after ALL these years of trying to convince myself I am a worthy person, these ignorant kids are the proof that the bullies of the past were right and there is something wrong with me.

 

Don't blame yourself for the way you feel. It's normal to feel this way about being bullied or shut out by other people.

 

I dont mind that my sister has moved out, it seems better that we can get along when shes over and not have to be arguing 24-7. It just however means im left with both of my parents.

There is something that bubbles up inside me when i talk to my parents something that snaps and makes me a mirror image of them, i shout i get aggressive, but inside i dont see why im doing this, it confuses me. I dont understand why i get so aggressive with them.

 

When I read this, I wonder: the morals you spoke about earlier, are they the morals of your parents? Because it's really normal to NOT want to assume/think what your parents think at a certain stage in life. It's the time you have to figure out what you think yourself. Which is confusing and strange. Maybe you become aggressive because at some level you DO agree with the things they think- and you don't WANT to, because you need to decide what you think yourself.

 

Im not sure if you may have read my post a while ago on self harm, but ever since i did that i kinda regretted it, the fact tht itll prob scar, but i also want to do it again, just to know that im here and im real, and to feel like i can control something..to a degree.

 

Self-injury is about control most of the time, I think. That's why I came up with the dealing-with-feelings thing before. In fact it's often when people feel tons of different emotions at the same time, or one big heavy emotion even, that they don't know how to handle/control that feeling.

 

Cutting is a way to sort of get a grip on what you feel, because the pain is self-inflicted and not caused by someone else.

 

I don't know if it makes sense. I never cut, but I have friends that are still fighting the need to cut daily. I have been anorexic for a couple of years, which had to do with control above all.

 

Alot of my friends are in upper sixth (the year above me, and the last year at school) which means they will be leaving in a couple of weeks and going to uni, that hurts so much, i dont know what im going to do when they leave.

 

That is painful... I hope you'll be able to make new friends. Just try to stay in touch with the old ones, but don't get upset if they are a bit busy when they leave for uni and all. You will see when you leave school yourself that it's really a start of a new phase in life (I am sure it's a period you're really gonna enjoy).

 

this will sound extremely stupid and definatley crazy, but i used to have this beautiful imaginary world in my head, one that i wanted to let escape into this world to transform it, like through writing a book, or doing a beautiful piece of artwork, or just by acting. but somehow this world has disintergrated in my mind and has shattered into a million pieces.

 

reading things or being in a play made me feel like i wasnt alone, i could relate to so many characters, but thats the thing they are only fictional characters, ones that have been overly theatrical, which makes me feel like i myself am fiction. maybe my world had escaped but like led run down all over my body so i am the only one who lives in this world, but to others im still here as a fool. reminds me a bit of Don Quixote

 

It doesn't sound stupid. Something tells me you have a lot of creative talent- which is something that can also help you to fight these negative and depressed feelings. There are a lot of ways imagination can be helpful in turning your thoughtprocess around; I sometimes find comfort in writing stories about fictional characters that I will place in more or less the same circumstances (read: crappy problems) as me. Then in the story they are all different of course, but they have to find a solution for the problem or a way to deal with a difficult situation. Because I can distance myself and see through the eyes of the person I describe (if I focus enough, that is), it really helps to get more perspective on the things I am going through at that moment.

 

Maybe it helps you- again it's just a personal thing that I found very useful after all the talk and analyses at therapy

 

Don't worry; rambling, ranting, venting, or even exploding- it's why this forum is there as well.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[spaggle]

i agree with everything u sed, apart from the whole thing bout me maybe getting angry coz my view are like my parents. my views are extremely different, and i think i just get confused to why they believe in things that dont do anything good for the world (they dont "believe" in racism, but they have preoblems with my sister dating a black guy, or say if i was gay theyd have problems with tht) but i dont have problems with any of these things, and its an inner rage tht i desire to throw at them because they are so arrogant to the world and people around them

[PhoenixInATL]

Hi there,

 

I'm really glad to see that you're thinking through some of this with us Spaggle!

 

One thing I wanted to mention...Ilse, you'd written:

 

I was bullied for a long time. I never cried at that time. It will still happen that some random kids that hang around on the streets will call me really really offensive names. The things that are offensive to any woman- if you know what I mean. It hurts and I can be very upset when it happens: somehow it makes me think that after ALL these years of trying to convince myself I am a worthy person, these ignorant kids are the proof that the bullies of the past were right and there is something wrong with me.

 

Don't blame yourself for the way you feel. It's normal to feel this way about being bullied or shut out by other people.

 

There were definitely times that my feeling were hurt by kids in school. I really felt like an underdog. I wondered if everyone else thought that way about me too. But no, as it turns out, looking back, it was just isolated meanness and not the collective thoughts of everyone who encountered me.

 

As I got older and got out of high school I began to see that unjustified negative comments regarding me as a person by people who don't know me are exactly that and really have no bearing on the person I am. If I were walking down the street today and some random kids said something nasty to me, I wouldn't be personally offended. It's more a reflection of them and their shortcomings that they'd behave that way to a stranger then it would be of me as a person. Heck, they don't even know me so how would their opinion be justified?

 

I think it's normal to feel bad when people say mean things about you or treat you in mean ways, especially through high school when everything seems to be about "popularity". But eventually you gain a perspective where you don't take everything any random person says to heart. Sure, it still bothers me if someone doesn't "like" me at work (for example). But I recognize that all people are different, and you're going to rub people the wrong way, just as other people will rub you the wrong way. If everyone got along and liked each other and agreed with each other, by definition there'd be World Peace (wouldn't THAT be nice?!...LOL!)

 

Another thing is that I recall seeing a talk show where people who were bullied in school had a chance, some 10-, 15-, 20- years later, to confront their bullies. And you know what? In 90% percent of the cases, the bullies had grown up and apologized and you could see that they truly felt guilty over how much pain they had caused the other person. Alot of it seems to be the product of youth, where people don't think about the fact that other people have feelings too, and how would they feel if they were in the other person's shoes.

 

I got bullied a lot too, and I'm ashamed to admit there was one girl me and my two best friends picked on. At the time, it was all fun for us. No, we didn't beat her up, but I'm sure we made her feel bad. To this day I feel really guilty about it. You'd think that since we were "underdogs" too, that we would be more compassionate. Certainly today I would NEVER consider doing something like that. Chalk it up to the "oblivion of youth" regarding how hurtful your behavior can be on someone else I guess. If I could apologize to her, I would. My friends have said the same thing.

 

So in essense, TRY not to take high school bullies personally. It definitely can be difficult to deal with at the time, especially when it's physical (that's not just "personal", it hurts when you get in a fight! Been there!). But once they grow up, they won't see it the same way. They're just being obnoxious kids. And really, everyone is disliked by at least one other person, even the "popular" kids. That's the way it is. So given that, try to concentrate on the people that DO like you for who you are. People either like you, don't like you, or feel neutral about you. Since there are more people that like you or feel neutral about you (essentially the "neutral" people could become people that like you if given a chance to know you), why concentrate on the ones that don't? Clearly they're closed-minded anyway if they don't like you and they hardly know you or don't know you at all? Even if someone "knows" you and doesn't like like you, that's just they way life works. You're rubbing each other the wrong way at the moment.

 

Regarding the 10% of the bullies that didn't apologize, they clearly grew up to be complete losers. They were practically boo-ed off the stage. One other consolation is that once you get into the adult world, if someone doesn't like you they generally aren't as personal about it. Yeah, you might be able to tell, but they don't typically say mean things. It does get better!

 

Sorry this was so long! I hope you still like me!

[Starless]

Hey spaggle,hows everything going?hopefully there getting better for you,if you ever need to talk you can e-mail me or pm me.i hope things get better for you.

[beautiful_monkey]

Please just askj yourself- can I make it through the next 8 hours? You can jump ship any time, but give it another eight hours. Then another eight, then another.

 

Things can and will change....after all if you are at rock bottom, the only way is upwards....people are here for you and though all you feel is nothingness there is life beyond this state. There is.

 

hang on in there, we do care, even as mere strangers.

 

BM

xxxxxx

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Take care

 

Ilse.

[spaggle]

hey isle, im ok, havin bit of a dilemma with two people tht fancy me, but hey at least i have people who fancy me these days since i moved schools. um yeah , yesterday i went out with my friends into town after school it was fun, i bought 4 cameras and we used all of them within like 2 hours,then we went to a friends house that afternoon and it was hilarious we had jelly, then we added yoghurt, then sarah (almost as crazy as me) added curry powder and we tried it was hilarious, then we went to the park, lol 16-18 year old going to the park to go on the swings...funny! shame most of them will be going to uni, i feel so happy with them. but im worried i may be falling for my friend..but this isnt the right forum to post this on.

but yeah still stressed, but living.

spaggle x

[PhoenixInATL]

Spaggle, I'm SO GLAD you're doing better! And it sounds like you had a really fun day! We all get stressed, but it's fun times like that that help us realize that it's not ALL bad.

[arwen]

Ah, it seems like you were able to enjoy the day! Happy to hear so

 

You can tell us about the people and the friend you are falling for- it's your topic, although I think that if you really want dating advice, it's better to start another topic in the Attraction and Flirting forum

 

Keep on goin strong!

 

Ilse.