a question on reflection -- why did I stay so long?

[cruisin]

This is the first time I've posted here and I've been scanning the Break Up forum because that's what just happened to me, quite an ugly ''dumping'' scenario that was full of lies and deception.

 

It's very painful but reading about others' pain has helped, and I hope that doesn't sound like I enjoy others' pain. I think you all know what I mean.

 

Anyhow, I have a question that has arisen from this last relationship (of some 5 turbulent years that had me sticking by the guy no matter what). I sensed there was a lot more going on than what met the eye. He had a drinking problem though and had been through a divorce recently and, to make a very long story short, I always was I think trying to ''fix him,'' trying to help him, seeing all his disrespect, coldness, distractedness, whatever negative came along as due to the stress of a very difficult living environment etc. etc. Anything nice he did I jumped at as a sign he was ''getting better'' and I stuck with it.

 

Finally, to get to my question, the dumping on his part was cruel and heartless and I too could see that as his ''not knowing better'' or something like that. But what I'm starting to think is that there seems to be a pattern here and that is that instead of just steering far clear of someone who I very well see through as not being what I want, I steer FOR them. This guy came to me after his divorce and was in a lot of pain and I was there for him. I tend to be the compassionate type, but usually more with starving or injured cats I find than guys!

 

I am very independent, even in the extreme perhaps, capable and professional. But it seems to me, AT LAST!!, that I am simply being used by people who to me seem like they really need help but to themselves probably don't see it at all like that. Relationships end with them criticizing me, blaming me for not being compatible and yet all along I feel that I have done everything to try to make their lives better and they have done everything but for me.

 

Has anyone else seen this pattern come up in their relationships that soured? I don't think I have low self-esteem or low self-respect. But I'm starting to wonder. It seems I pick guys who I think need helping, and I'm going, ''it's OK, it's OK'' to all their shortcomings, transgressions etc. and then I'm dumped in the end. People say I deserve better and I agree but am wondering why I stayed in this last relationship so long.

 

Any ideas what it is I have to wake up to?!

[drebar1]

I know all too well what you are talking about. In fact, I could have written your letter myself. I'm not sure why we do this but I am now convinced that our behavior is not what needs to change. What needs to change is our screening process, if you will. The loving, caring, giving, etc. behavior we have does indeed have a proper place in a relationship with the right person. We, however, need to strive to not waste one more ounce of it on the wrong people. I am now in a position where I gave up all of my independence (15 year career) to become a stay at home mommy and have the dream life. Well what I have now is the real need to go back to work, a very emotionally dependent 3 year old that everyone agrees will not do well in a daycare setting, a still abusive and controlling ex who has the ability to manipulate with money in spite of an injunction I have against him. I've never been unsure of what to do with myself and have never feared the future because I've always known I could take care of myself. Now, I question myself all day long, everyday because I have to do the right thing for my daughter and don't know what that is. In a nutshell, I'm terrified. I have just managed to tell myself that what is most important to me is that I make sure that when I am relating to anyone that I don't lose sight of MY needs and wants. I have to stop giving me away to abusive, nasty and needy people. Hope reading a little of my story helps you to know you are NOT the only one in this rut.

[cruisin]

Dear drebar1,

 

Thank you very much for your reply. Before I signed on I wondered if anyone would make sense out of what I'd written and here you are saying you could have written it yourself! That sure made me feel better, just your saying that.

 

I'm also glad to hear you think it's not the behavior but the screening that has to change. In fact, I just got home after talking to an old dear friend who's going through very bad times and I think my talking with him really helped. It's the SAME kind of thing I did with the other guy all these months and years but that guy took it, used it and (though I wasn't looking for a thank-you) turned around and acted like I'd done him harm. Unbelievable!

 

Now that is just not normal behavior but it's hard to think you can diagnose someone as mentally ill when they're out walking on the streets, but then again, where else would they be as long as they hadn't done something illegal?! That gives me pause for thought though . . . I actually recently saw his drinking escalate into shoplifting and now, that IS illegal! I really really couldn't believe he was doing this but it was true.

 

Yes, getting back, the screening process must be where we go wrong. I have the feeling it has something to do with somehow equating criticism with intolerance or rejection. We may have learned at some point in our lives, no matter how wrong it is, that to say I don't want a person around me means I have rejected him or think myself beyond or better than him and somehow that is a big no-no subconsciously and so we fail to keep them away. And this last guy of mine was a real charmer. He's gone and charmed someone else and I just hope he'll keep charming them or they're really going to hurt as well.

 

Over to you . . . you sound very capable and so I'm a bit perplexed but you saying you're terrified and don't know what to do. But when you say you're keeping sight of your needs and wants you sound like you'll be ok. All I can say is have more faith in yourself. You certainly sound like you have reason to. I'm not the same person I was when this guy first came into my life and I doubt you're the same person now as when your ex came into yours. Could it be that you are no longer in the rut but still feeling you are? I hope this is the case with me too. I guess time will tell. My worry is wondering why I miss him but I guess any change is hard to take.

 

Your reply really did help me. I feel like blaming myself less. I was starting to think I was screwed up. I was starting to buy into his criticism and, you know, he really poured it on in the end. Yes, nasty, is a good word for him, needy and nasty, but so cloaked in a seeming rationality that it's easily bought into. I need to recognize that there are such people out there and learn to close off to them while keeping open to others.