What do i do??

[its_kathie]

He says he loves me and is confused. Our relationship touched his heart and soul and he is scared. We have been together for 8 months and it has been energtic, fun and growing. Now he (all of a sudden) he needs his space. I picked up all my belongings but the "big" stuff. That will be this Friday. He says he loves me, his life hasn't been the same since i have been out of it, and he has wanted to call. Do I call him???

[marolua]

May be you can give some more information for us to understand. He wanted some space? and than did he want you to call him?" or did he want to call you? I could not figure out that part..

 

But anyway, if he wanted space, understand that this is normal for every guy, especially if he is young. And sincerely, give him his space, and it would be better if you give him some extra space Dont be so available for a while, leave him to fight with his own scariness.

 

Concentrate on yourself, relationships only begin with extra fun & joy & happiness but they do not continue in the same way for ever!

[its_kathie]

Update: the new reason (a phone call to him this afternoon) he wants his space--he said he is seeing someone else. Man, does that answer all the unknows. What now!!

[marolua]

Well it does answer all the unknowns! We tend to close our eyes and see the best parts of a relationship and not the worst part. And the worst part here is that: HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!

Get up, take a shower, smile to yourself, this has also happenede to me, it is very hard to put up with it, but I know that it passes.

One thing is for sure, please try not calling him.

Call your friends and cry on their shoulders but calling him may make your feelings worse.

Best Luck

[quing]

NC him from imediate effect Kathie, do not contact him in anyway, and appear to be getting on with your life and that you are content and happy, but do not go over the top with it and tell him let him see it or sense it.

 

Let him do all the contacting and if he calls or emails do not jump for him, take your time.

 

The biggest rejection to a dumper is when the person they dumped appears to have got over them and got on with there life so quickly.

Go out and pamper ypurself, remove all reminders, change all bedsheets etc, have a spring clean.

 

Don't rush into any relationships to soon take your time, have dates but don't feel pressured to do anything, just look at as company.

Don't compare your dates to him.

Feel confident in yourself. You will become stronger knowing that you dont need him.

Being there for them makes them carry on with confidence.

 

This usually gets them running to you, if not the NC although very difficult

does work and help you heal.

 

The next few weeks will be tough, don't let him see your tears, share them with close friends and family, people who now matter.

 

I dumped a girl when I was younger and she said cheerfully, "good bye then" it really messed my mind up.

 

People want what they cannot have.

[quing]

Here you go, I saw it on another board, very handy for you in this instance Kathie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

might help some people

here is a summary of things people can try or at least think about... these are just what *I* am trying to work on but if other people want to try then that's cool. it is very scrict looking but sometimes people have questions about certain things so if you're stuck on something you can read what *I* would do. I just gathered this up from reading here and from books. but use your own instinct too.

 

No dont contact! It will be worth it

Don't tell them you wont because they'll expect it

It will also feel restrictive if you keep giving them attention. IT IS IMPORTANT THEY DONT FEEL RESTRICTED.

Don't stalk (dont check up on them! hide their photos)

Try and make yourself look hard to get

They can intepret the smallest things you do as a push so no hints!

You cant help but push even if you think they cant spot it so it is important not to contact them! This will also make pushing you've done in the past be forgotten or play second fiddle to the positive things about you

NC is for YOU it isnt so much about them missing you, it is to work on yourself and lose your fragile needy state, otherwise you will break down when you see them

dont make it look like you are avoiding them, you are just busy.

 

 

dont give reassurance that you have changed let them see it

dont act depressed

 

neediness is repulsive

they are more concerned about what they want not what you want. they left you to benefit themselves so if you act needy it will make them feel more negative energy from you and they will not care as much as you think about what you want. give them what they want and thats freedom of choice.

 

thinking I need him and putting pressure on them will make you needy. You dont NEED them you want them. You wont die without them but it will still be pretty good to have them.

The maybe even become scared of losing you for good if you act like you dont need them to be happy... and if they still have any feelings for you then they wont want to lose you for good. Sometimes people break up with you and they think you will always be there for them! dont be a doormat because then they will think pursuing you is too easy and would much rather have something else they cant have and someone with a more positive attitude

 

relax

 

working out will take your mind off them, as well as boasting your confidence and you will look better

 

Remember you have more good times and memories than any new person. As long as you protray a good positive image and DONT ACT NEEDY no one else will be able to compete. The bad stuff will seem so distant. Dont whine about them seeing another person, they want to get away from that and if you moan about them seeing someone else they will want to do it even more. Challenges are appealing and you are challenging them. Give them freedom of choice. Make yourself better to be around with then anyone else. The person who gives them more freedom of choice will win them over. that is what they want.

 

STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM

when you start thinking about them in a good way snap out of it, think of something else you love instead like a future event or your career. Otherwise NC wont work.

 

If you're not happy it means you were leaning on them for happiness so stop thinking about them and greifing them, you don't need too. Focus away from him and use hoobies and friends to distract you.

 

It is important that you are happy for two reasons

1st if you're not when you meet up it wont work, you might break down or show some acts of neediness. You dont wont that

 

2nd if it doesnt work out you will be able to handle it better

 

remember people like trying to get what they cant have so dont act easy for them. give them space so dont restrict them

 

Doing all this will lead to you having more space (what they probably wanted or needed), no neediness, attraction, prevention of feelings of grief.

 

WHEN ARRANGING TO MEET UP

You should meet up, attractiveness isnt created over the phone.

 

try and find something exciting and be spontaneous. think happy happy joy joy.

Don't ring more than once a day when arranging to meet up. Aim to do it on the phone, dont text or email.

 

When talking to them act interested in what they are saying and ask questions about it focus on them

 

ask them when the convo is going good (they will use how they feel in the moment, like when you're a kid and you want something from your parents, you wait until they're in a good mood)

 

if they reject your offer act like its not a big deal. laugh and say 'dont be silly its just lunch' if they stil reject it then say thats fine and do some more NC or leave it at that. Dont ask them why!

 

 

Dont stay on the phone for long, leave when the convo is going good

 

arrange the date about a week in advance so they will anticipate it and be thinking of you

 

WHEN YOU MEET UP

remember everything above about why you did NC

 

Dont spend a long time together, 2hours at the most but less is even better

 

Dont bring up the relationship or ask questions about it! (you shouldnt in any conversations neither)

If they mention the relationship you should try and steer it to positives but dont prolong the conversation.

 

however if they talk about the break up you should try and avoid it

 

Dont break down dont act needy dont hint they wil spot it! they are extra alert right now. dont beg or plead! they expect this! This will make the experience negative as a whole... you might as well be arguing.

when they are just having a wonderful time with you the impact will be positive

 

Defuse all arguments, just say 'you know you're right' They will remember your arguments and they will use it as evidence as to why you two broke up

 

Dont talk about the past! You are trying to start fresh.

 

Act happy

dont act sad about the breakup. They will want what they cant have. They will more likely want to act predatory

 

If they say something that upsets you dont act upset.

 

being happy will make you more attractive. It will be hard for them to turn you down if you keep having fun together. It will also remind your ex of why they liked you in the first place

 

End on a good note. Leave early.

 

Dont make plans for a date just then. keep them hanging and thinking about you. Maybe even go into NC for a week or two.

 

Then arrange another meet up. Slowly though, you do not want to jump straight into a heavy relationship again. Might scare them off again

3 - 7 dates is what is suppose to be ideal

 

 

If after 3 months they still havent brought up the relationship then carefully be assertive but if they flirt dont jump the gun and assume they want you back in their life.

[its_kathie]

Well, there will be NC, however, on Friday I am scheduled to go get ALL my things. With a girlfriend of course. Any advice. Other than the obvious: dignified and classy.