in a relationship, but falling in love online

[firewall]

i'm a newbie here and i want your advice. i have a live-in partner for 4 yrs. now... but i met this guy online. we connected very well coz he's from my place, he migrated 8 yrs. ago.. we chat, exchange mail, call each other almost everyday.. we get along well coz we share the same interest...things that me and my partner don't share. my problem is i'm falling in love with him, and i know he is too. each time i break up with my partner, he don't want me to.

im confused... i don't know if i'll continue chatting with the guy abroad, or continue the relationship with my partner, though i'm not happy.. i maybe secured with my partner now coz i know he loves me, but i'm not in love with him. please help me.

[hazlcha]

I suggest you read your own post as if it were someone else's and write yourself a reply. It's quite clear what you want, you're just not sure how to go about it in an ethically and interpersonally correct way.

[titan]

well have you actually meet up with this cyber fellow, and how long had this been going on, whilst you may get along really well now, things can change dramatically a) where there is commitment B) when u move in C) call yourselves a couple.

 

Otherthan that i just suggest think everything through and don't built fantasies in your mind, not saying you are but people who leave partners for other tend to have fantasies about some super hero taking them away. (Not specific)

[cleverme123]

I will say this again. Any one online can be anyone they want, they can change in person and could be completely different. You better be careful. If your in a four year relationship you need to evaluate things and if it isn't want you want have the courage to break it off before you decide to cheat and meet this other guy. I personally don't think it's a good idea.

[titan]

exactly my thoughts.

 

I also wanted to add are you really unhappy????? Or are u looking for resurance that your not happy to aliviate some guilt you might feel about this cyber relationship??

 

Just some thoughts

[smallworld]

If you read these boards, you'll notice a lot of people come accross the same problem at some point in their life - They love their partner, but they're not "in love" with them. The doubt typically happens around the 4 year point. Scientists think we evolved a 4-year itch, because that's the amount of time a couple needs to stay together to successfully rear a child through infancy.

 

More info about why we fall in and out of love:

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So what you're feeling is quite normal. I've experienced it myself, but in my case I came to the conclusion that I'd never want to risk losing what I have.

 

Love isn't just a feeling, it's what we "do", so the more you chat/email/interact with the online guy, the more you invest your emotions in him and the more you're going to feel like you should be with him. The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the ocean. The online guy has an unfair advantage, because you're not living with him and having to deal with the unromantic problems of household chores, paying bills with him, etc.

 

My advice is to take a good hard look at your current relationship and be brutually honest with yourself. Is there really anything wrong with it? Or are you just craving the exciting, heady romantic feelings of the first stage of love? Are you prepared to accept the consequences (losing your partner) if you leave and the other relationship doesn't work out?

 

If you break up, break up because your current relationship isn't right for you, not because you have a "crush" on someone else. It's folly to do so when biology tells us you'll be asking the same questions about the other guy in four years.

[hazlcha]

I seem to be outvoted here, that's fine. I did have another thought to add.

 

When people are in a committed relationship, there is a different dynamic. When I say committed, the ultimate is marriage. When you are married to someone, you don't (or shouldn't) have options to go run off with someone else. A live-in relationship is easier to break off than marriage, so we might be more tempted to explore that greener grass over the fence. A dating relationship is even less stable.

 

So I agree that your lack of a permanent status with your partner may be tempting you to see more in someone else than is there. I wish I knew how you can resolve your feelings. You'll have to search deep in your heart for those answers.

[firewall]

to all those who took time to reply to this simple problem... thanks a lot! i'm now enlightened but not yet decided... but somehow things are getting clearer... it takes time/hurt to fully get to know the answer. sometimes, it's infront of you but you're just too blinded to see.

i know i can have someone to lean on with this egroup...it is so comforting to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE...

[Mr Meh]

I am going through a similar situation right now. I've got a 10 year relationship with kids at stake, but the particulars are the same.

I met a girl online who I quickly developed strong (mutual) feelings for and which also made me question my relationship enough that I broke it off. I also decided to break off contact with the online person until I can figure out what I want.

Like has been said already, it is pretty hard to keep your 'real' relationship going strong if all of your emotions and 'love' are directed at someone who is new and exciting and with whom you have no negative memories.

In taking the time away from both people I have begun to see more clearly that the online thing is based more on lust than anything, and logically I know that due to distance and age, quite probably nothing more will ever develop from it.

My feelings of alienation from my spouse were there long before I met this online person and so I am trying to figure those out too. I think meeting somone else brought them into focus. I am trying to be honest with all concerned and if I end the relationship with my spouse it has to be for the right reasons.

The online fling and the real thing are two mutually exclusive things that have to be dealt with separately.