Rough Day

[Hopefulguy]

Well it's been a while since I've posted here. I had met a woman September of last year who I've been dating up until recently. While a big adjustment for both of us, with a few trials and tribulations, we did certainly fall in love, and I did recently arrive at a place where I could see a long-term future. During our relationship, I introduced her to my lifting club (which she joined) which has been my passion and social presence for the past three years. To make a long story short, she connected with one of the other club guys and officially dumped me today. At least she did so in person (although it's been developing over the past few weeks) and I kept my chin up,thanked her for her honesty and wished her happiness because that's what she deserves. Not sure how the club is going to work going forward....not as simple as changing gyms as this has literally become my family and the primary catalyst for helping me hang in since my marriage ended.

 

So I'm left with another significant emotional wound to deal with. It's hard and I'm sitting here processing it....hoping that my emotional response remains bearable. Feeling defeated.

 

There's really no one I can confide in presently, so figured I'd post here as a means of healthy expression I guess. Pretty tired of the angst I've experienced over the past few years and was hoping it was finally turning around. C'est la vie :)

[SweetGirl28]

Ouch! I'm sorry. That's extreme betrayal right there. I don't know how you'll be able to face either of them.

Congrats on being a gentleman with the news she gave you. Just know she's obviously not capable of being

faithful, so you'll be better off in the long run.

[Hopefulguy]

Seriously not sure I blame her totally. I was having a hard time committing up until a couple of months ago (i.e. bit of push and pull) but had really resolved it and had told her so. Doesn't really matter though as the guy made a real concerted effort and won her over in any event. I don't blame him....it's a free world and she chose him.

[WildChildOG]

Soooooo, she's going to back away from the lifting club I hope. Sorry, may sound petty, but she wouldn't be there if you hadn't introduced her to it. And, you've been doing it waaaayyy before you and she met. First thing that came to mind.

[SweetGirl28]

Seriously not sure I blame her totally. I was having a hard time committing up until a couple of months ago (i.e. bit of push and pull) but had really resolved it and had told her so. Doesn't really matter though as the guy made a real concerted effort and won her over in any event. I don't blame him....it's a free world and she chose him.

 

Well that guy has no respect for anyone's relationships, nor does she for the one you had to get pulled away by him.

You should blame him. And her. The right thing for her to do would have been to tell him she was in a relationship and to stop. Or, end it with you and then get their flirt on. You are being too kind.

[Hopefulguy]

Soooooo, she's going to back away from the lifting club I hope. Sorry, may sound petty, but she wouldn't be there if you hadn't introduced her to it. And, you've been doing it waaaayyy before you and she met. First thing that came to mind.

 

No....it's become a big part of her life and she is registered for her first powerlifting meet seven days from now. And I am officiating the morning (as is the other guy) and spotting/loading in the afternoon (as is the other guy). She did say she'd step away but I know she didn't mean it (really just a gesture) and I suggested it's a free world and it's now my problem. I am a little taken aback by him as she had previously mentioned she was involved with me, after he had asked her out. But I know now there was communication back and forth since then. Doesn't matter now anyway, as I'm left to deal with it. She actually says she still loves me (BS) but obviously it won't bother either one of them if I'm around. I can actually stomach seeing them there separately, but together may be a different story. I think I'm just going to have to play it by ear. But losing that club will be the biggest loss of all. It's saved my life IMO.

[Hopefulguy]

Well that guy has no respect for anyone's relationships, nor does she for the one you had to get pulled away by him.

You should blame him. And her. The right thing for her to do would have been to tell him she was in a relationship and to stop. Or, end it with you and then get their flirt on. You are being too kind.

 

Yeah...but water under the bridge now. I can't change what they do. I have to find the strength to deal with it all emotionally. I can't help but conclude that I keep doing these things to myself. And to be honest, and in her defense, I did struggle previously with whether the relationship was right for me. But that doesn't lessen the pain of what transpired. Like everyone else, I just want some semblance of happiness at some point.

[SweetGirl28]

Yeah...but water under the bridge now. I can't change what they do.

 

Well then that's a great attitude to have. You'll move on faster . Keep any new girl away from the club though :)

[WildChildOG]

You certainly are taking it across the chin. Can I ask, are you blaming yourself for losing her because you were slow to committing? I get being the bigger person, but it's really a jerky thing that they both did. And it's okay to be civil and not be a jerk, but you are awfully understanding and obliging. Nothing wrong with that if it weren't but a few dates, but given the duration and the complexity of how he came into the picture DOES allow you to stand up for yourself without rolling over just because she's "into" it now. So what if she's competing. Just sayin ... ;)

[SweetGirl28]

You certainly are taking it across the chin. Can I ask, are you blaming yourself for losing her because you were slow to committing? I get being the bigger person, but it's really a jerky thing that they both did. And it's okay to be civil and not be a jerk, but you are awfully understanding and obliging. Nothing wrong with that if it weren't but a few dates, but given the duration and the complexity of how he came into the picture DOES allow you to stand up for yourself without rolling over just because she's "into" it now. So what if she's competing. Just sayin ... ;)

 

I agree with this. And you did commit even though it was slow,so maybe you weren't really all that invested.

[Hopefulguy]

This has been brewing for a while I guess, but I'm still processing it (the shock and finality).....waiting to see how my subconscious decides to respond. She had actually taken some space several weeks ago but seemed to be really coming back to me recently, and I was optimistic up to a day or two ago that we'd end up together in a stronger relationship. Maybe it'll hit me harder later (perhaps bedtime or tomorrow). Is it normal to now want to touch base with someone else who expressed an interest in me a few months ago (I explained at the time that I was in a relationship that the jury was still out on......she understood but invited me to reach out if it didn't work out). While I'm particularly cautious about dating, I feel compelled to meet her for coffee...with full disclosure). Is that a defense mechanism?

[sky09]

If the dude asks for a spot on the bench, you know what to do when he can't finish that last rep by himself.

[Hopefulguy]

You certainly are taking it across the chin. Can I ask, are you blaming yourself for losing her because you were slow to committing? I get being the bigger person, but it's really a jerky thing that they both did. And it's okay to be civil and not be a jerk, but you are awfully understanding and obliging. Nothing wrong with that if it weren't but a few dates, but given the duration and the complexity of how he came into the picture DOES allow you to stand up for yourself without rolling over just because she's "into" it now. So what if she's competing. Just sayin ... ;)

 

I was indeed slow to fully commit, but I did discuss with her quite a bit that I wanted her but that this was my first relationship since my marriage died a few years ago. I told her the relationship was a big deal to me and I was doing my best to process things accordingly....so I could commit to her fully. But since I did get there, albeit late, it makes me think that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. And I don't feel it appropriate for me to ask her to leave the club. If I can endure it emotionally, I hope to keep going and maintain a show of dignity and confidence. I'd prefer to present a picture of indifference as opposed to portraying self-pity and desperation.

[Hopefulguy]

If the dude asks for a spot on the bench, you know what to do when he can't finish that last rep by himself.

 

Too funny. We've actually been training together for the past year (well, a group of 4-5 of us...but we're in the same age/weight class). I've never gotten to know him personally, but by all accounts he's a nice guy who everyone there is quite fond of. Yes...it's a very messed up situation.

[Hopefulguy]

I guess what complicates things is that I lost my marriage, had an emotional affair with another woman for several months (more than three years ago) which ended when she started dating her co-worker, then fell back in love with my wife who, a year ago, advised me she was dating someone else. These experiences still hurt me to this day, so this adds to it. While I yearn for a happy secure relationship (I hate living alone), it seems I sabotage - directly or indirectly - good things to some extent. Now I have three woman who's memories stir up painful emotions for me, but not to the extent it should keep me from looking for what I want. Should I just give up and work on coming to peace with being alone (which I've basically been trying to do for three years, without success) or should I continue to follow my instincts and keep looking for the right partner...despite the obvious risks given my history?

[SweetGirl28]

Omg you are exactly the type of guy I attract.....you wanna date me? I have some pretty impressive biceps lol :)

 

In all seriousness, don't commit. Get therapy to work through the past issues so you can check all that emotional baggage at the door and not have these thoughts creep up and prevent you from committing. You want it, so it's up to you to fix it from within first. You will leave a string of broken hearts if you don't, including your own.

[Hopefulguy]

Omg you are exactly the type of guy I attract.....you wanna date me? I have some pretty impressive biceps lol :)

 

In all seriousness, don't commit. Get therapy to work through the past issues so you can check all that emotional baggage at the door and not have these thoughts creep up and prevent you from committing. You want it, so it's up to you to fix it from within first. You will leave a string of broken hearts if you don't, including your own.

 

Lol!

 

In all seriousness, I did my 2nd round of counseling around this very issue last summer, after my wife made it official via her relationship. When I started dating this latest woman this past September, I really felt I was making progress. So I'm not sure what's left for me to do.

[SweetGirl28]

Lol!

 

In all seriousness, I did my 2nd round of counseling around this very issue last summer, after my wife made it official via her relationship. When I started dating this latest woman this past September, I really felt I was making progress. So I'm not sure what's left for me to do.

 

Go for round three! It can't hurt you. Could be this is triggering you to remember the past again, I don't think you're completely a lost cause. I do believe you have it in you to be successful long term in a relationship. The first step is wanting it, and you do want it. So you will make it work. Why not connect with that woman from a few months ago and meet up if she's single? Doesn't hurt to get out there, and I don't really feel you'll be rebounding . Just don't use her if she agrees to meet up. Honestly is best. Keep it casual and see what happens. Then bring her to the club and bench press her! Lol just kidding :)

[Hopefulguy]

Go for round three! It can't hurt you. Could be this is triggering you to remember the past again, I don't think you're completely a lost cause. I do believe you have it in you to be successful long term in a relationship. The first step is wanting it, and you do want it. So you will make it work. Why not connect with that woman from a few months ago and meet up if she's single? Doesn't hurt to get out there, and I don't really feel you'll be rebounding . Just don't use her if she agrees to meet up. Honestly is best. Keep it casual and see what happens. Then bring her to the club and bench press her! Lol just kidding :)

 

I think I may have been somewhat guilty of trying too hard to make a relationship work because I didn't want to be alone.....and I feel like I'm running out of time. This latest woman was also younger, in great shape, and great looking. We also had a lot of great times together. She got along with my parents, and my two kids (21 and 19). But I seemed to be second guessing a lot. I'm not sure whether it was due to her not being the one, vs it being something with me. On paper, we should've been phenomenal. Aren't good relationships supposed to be secure and natural? Free of any significant second guessing? There were times when I had clarity where I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her....and other times I was racked with uncertainty (without anything to base it on). I finally got over that and communicated that I wanted a substantial long-term relationship. Too late or irrelevant. Maybe I wasn't ready anyway? My fear is that I will never be ready. But it hurts just the same.

[WildChildOG]

So are you afraid of being hurt, or are you unsure of of committing to someone because of your history. What keeps you at arms length, and distancing yourself from 100%. What was it about your ex wife that made you commit to her?

[SweetGirl28]

I think I may have been somewhat guilty of trying too hard to make a relationship work because I didn't want to be alone.....and I feel like I'm running out of time. This latest woman was also younger, in great shape, and great looking. We also had a lot of great times together. She got along with my parents, and my two kids (21 and 19). But I seemed to be second guessing a lot. I'm not sure whether it was due to her not being the one, vs it being something with me. On paper, we should've been phenomenal. Aren't good relationships supposed to be secure and natural? Free of any significant second guessing? There were times when I had clarity where I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her....and other times I was racked with uncertainty (without anything to base it on). I finally got over that and communicated that I wanted a substantial long-term relationship. Too late or irrelevant. Maybe I wasn't ready anyway? My fear is that I will never be ready. But it hurts just the same.

 

I was just out with my guy BFF last night who said the same thing. Went from engaged and living together to not living together and not engaged and trying to date one another again. He feels he rushed it and pressured her because he feels time is running out. He wants kids and marraige and he's 40 and never had either. She's 30.

 

Funny you mention looks lol. People call me Barbie, so he said "hey, where's Barbie?? I'm like really you ass ! lol Excuse me for not looking like your little baby you date". I'm like a decade older than her I know he was teasing but you guys seem to find it hard when you lose a hot girl. Looks fade, beauty inside, it's forever :)

 

Just get in therapy again. It doesn't hurt to find out where you are in terms of committing. Everyone starts to have doubts when they start getting close to seeing long term in their partner. You will be ready. You want it.

[Hopefulguy]

So are you afraid of being hurt, or are you unsure of of committing to someone because of your history. What keeps you at arms length, and distancing yourself from 100%. What was it about your ex wife that made you commit to her?

 

Both. I feel like I'm unable to trust my feelings as they can vary hour to hour based on my emotions (vs rational thought). I've always been prone to a bit of anxiety so my biggest fear is how that is impacted. When my wife made it official last June, it triggered brutal anxiety, so it was actually the anxiety itself I had to deal with primarily. My wife was my high school sweetheart. 35 years ago. While I probably took things a little for granted eventually, I never ever wanted anyone else. I felt she just detached at some point and I didn't want to stay where I wasn't loved. When we sold the house and physically separated, we had already been sleeping separately for about four years. In the process of selling the house, moving out, and helping her get set up in her new home (and then hanging around for next year or so) I fell for her all over again. But I needed to see if she reciprocated. And she never did. Her text to me saying she was seeing someone else was the event that cut deep for me. But I know I have to move on.....and while I no longer see her or communicate (other than texts re kids stuff and separation business), I want her to be happy. But there has to be a way to accept that reality somehow, but move on with someone else. I really want someone in my life. Someone to go home to after work. Someone to wake up with. Someone who I have no reservations about. Someone to buy flowers for and dote on.

[Hopefulguy]

I was just out with my guy BFF last night who said the same thing. Went from engaged and living together to not living together and not engaged and trying to date one another again. He feels he rushed it and pressured her because he feels time is running out. He wants kids and marraige and he's 40 and never had either. She's 30.

 

I'm almost 52. With two grown kids. I think part of the issue was fear re her two very young sons (great kids BTW)....kids are sacred. I can't say that I was originally enthused about that but thought I could finally make it work. But anyone I meet would likely have kids at home, so that shouldn't be that big of a deal.

[SweetGirl28]

I'm almost 52. With two grown kids. I think part of the issue was fear re her two very young sons (great kids BTW)....kids are sacred. I can't say that I was originally enthused about that but thought I could finally make it work. But anyone I meet would likely have kids at home, so that shouldn't be that big of a deal.

 

Ya, my last ex is 53 and his son is grown, but he does has a granddaughter. My daughter is 14, I don't think he minded at all, but when your kids are self sufficient adults, it's an adjustment to date someone who has a bit of their life tied up with younger ones.

[Hopefulguy]

I also wonder sometimes if I simply take break-ups a little harder than most. Tough for me to process and make peace with it. That said, I guess it's normal to experience distress over a 30+ year relationship, as well as a seven month relationship. These represent the only physical relationships I've ever had.