Struggling a bit

[progprof2017]

The past two days have been a struggle for me. I thought I was doing so well, but now I'm feeling the hurt, sadness and anger all over again. I don't know what triggered it- I've been NC for just over 6 weeks, so it's not being in contact with the ex.

 

If you've read my first post, you'd know that he vanished from the relationship for a month, which forced me to reach out and dump him via text. So, maybe it just takes longer to getting over being "ghosted?" I am forcing myself to face the fact that anyone who would do that clearly has issues with intimacy, commitment, conflict, and emotional availability. But there's still that other part of me that misses him, and wants him back. How twisted is that?

 

I guess I need to raise my expectations, realize he can't meet them, and let him go as not a good match. It's tough. It hurts. But I also know he's not worth mourning for months over.

 

Ugh! I hate having all these conflicting feelings at once!

[Viewcart]

Let me tell you, i've been through so many "break ups" that I have developed a trick to healing faster. You see, I noticed a pattern where immediately after the guy dumps me, I would be sad and depressed as one normally would be, but after a few months to a year, I would look back and think, sheesh what was I thinking getting so caught up emotionally over that guy? I can't believe I even had feelings for him or were even interested in him. Looking back, I realize that all my past failed relationships were blessings in disguise. Of course initially you wouldn't see that or feel blessed, but trust me, look back at this and you will be thankful that he wasn't the one.

 

The trick is to change your mindset to the future. Think positive and believe that the universe is directing you to the man who is meant to stay in your life. The rest are just for practice.

[EternalOptimis]

The past two days have been a struggle for me. I thought I was doing so well, but now I'm feeling the hurt, sadness and anger all over again. I don't know what triggered it- I've been NC for just over 6 weeks, so it's not being in contact with the ex.

 

If you've read my first post, you'd know that he vanished from the relationship for a month, which forced me to reach out and dump him via text. So, maybe it just takes longer to getting over being "ghosted?" I am forcing myself to face the fact that anyone who would do that clearly has issues with intimacy, commitment, conflict, and emotional availability. But there's still that other part of me that misses him, and wants him back. How twisted is that?

 

I guess I need to raise my expectations, realize he can't meet them, and let him go as not a good match. It's tough. It hurts. But I also know he's not worth mourning for months over.

 

Ugh! I hate having all these conflicting feelings at once!

 

 

I didn't even know that ghosting was a thing till I came to these fora. It's hard to imagine why anyone would choose to ghost. I've had good breakup conversations and bad breakup conversations. I've learnt some tips how to better handle it, whether instigator or recipient. I simply don't understand why someone would rather their partner think of them as a coward, never mind cause even more hurt, than to have a short, if difficult conversation.

 

I think it's completely normal to miss one's ex. You shared part of your life with them and no doubt have many happy memories. It's even normal to have fleeting thoughts of wanting it back again. As Viewcart says though, there will come a time in the not too distant future where you will wonder why you let it bother you so much.

[progprof2017]

Thanks for the replies and the view on the larger perspective. I started feeling better yesterday, and then I saw him on a dating app. My first reaction was- why was I ever attracted to THAT. lol! But later, I was wondering why the universe chose that moment to give me a little window into his life. I think it was to address the idea that I was thinking maybe he had found someone else and was living a happy and loving life. From what I learned just before he disappeared, he was already on that app before he disappeared, and I called him on it (sheesh! What an asshat!). If he's still on there, he hasn't found anyone yet. When I caught him with the app on his phone, I think he panicked and fled the scene of the crime- he basically hit the reset button on his life, rather than take accountability for his actions, and avoided facing a very uncomfortable discussion (including the break up). Apparently this is very common behaviour for emotionally unavailable men, and those who are conflict avoidant and have a fear of intimacy. I feel like I've been given the last piece of the puzzle, and I'm grateful for it. I also feel this is a pattern of behaviour with him- he never talked about his past, and actually would just blank me when I asked a direct question (he also dropped hints that he was afraid of screwing things up, repeatedly). Now I know why!

 

Now I have to be wary, because once he realizes that life on the dating apps isn't so cheery, and if he feels the dust has settled, he'll start to remember what he had with me, and will put out his feelers with me again (the usual pattern with emotionally unavailable men). Ugh! No thanks!!!

 

So, finding him there has actually both quieted one fear (he moved on to someone else), and empowered me to keep him out of my life.