Getting back together...Advice? Stories?

[dmtsymphony]

Ok, here is the deal....

 

I was a big jerk. A drug addict, and a cheater. I know, I know...charming. But I just want to lay it all out there, so you have an idea of where I am coming from.

I was a jerk, like I said. I cheated many many times during the course of my 6 year relationship. I was also heavily addicted to drugs for much of the relationship. I can hear you asking yourself...why? Why would she put up with it? Well, that is an answer that would generally fall under the category of "co-dependent with sever abandonment issues" as she was, and I suppose I was too. I mean, there was love there. We were very very close, but also very sick. She and I were at different ages too - she was 20 when we met, I was 27. Now I am almost 34 and she is 26. So we have grown and changed alot, but mostly since we broke up 10 months ago.

So, here is what happened. After I got sober a couple of years ago, I began shutting her out of my life, and as I said I was a cheater. Often times, sex addiction is parallel to drug addiction, and I make no bones about the fact that I am a complete addict. So, after being treated poorly by me for a long time, she finally left. And when she left, she left HARD. It was just over. Totally merciless (as I had been, I realize - im not looking for sympathy) and I completely deserved it, but damn if it didnt HURT! man oh man...It was the worst pain I had ever felt. And I was trying to stay clean, but it was impossible, so I relapsed. It was just too painful. I felt pathetic. I knew in my head that I deserved what was happening, but my heart ached so badly. I tried and tried and tried to get her back, but she was already seeing another guy. That just made evrything worse. The pain was unreal. Some of you have been there, I know. And I also know I inflicted that pain on her many times, so again I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY.

After a while, the pain started subsiding. We stupidly continued to get together and have sex occasionally which was probably stupid....ok, it was stupid, but what can I say? I still wanted her back, and she kept having sex with me now and again, I suppose, to keep me hanging on. Anytime I suggested we take a few months and not speak, she said she couldnt deal with that. She also dumped the other guy. But see, the problem was that my drug relapse had now turned into full blown active addiction again. So her and I gradually drifted apart completely. A little while later, I got clean again, after almost dying from an overdose. For whatever reason, I came out of that experience, which was ultimately a suicide attempt ( I know, I sound more stable by the second) with a total willingness to surrender and give up drugs completely, which I did. I also started seeing a counsellor and my life turned around quickly, career started moving again, life got better, girls were looking again, and I was single, guilt free, and sober, and loving it.

That brings me to right now. I am single, guilt free, sober, and loving it - and the ex wants to get back together.

She decided about two weeks ago, after we had breakfast (after a long long period of no contact) that she was 'in love with me again'

My intuition says that my detachment from her freaked her out.

My hopes tell me she really does love me again.

I feel that it would be totally foolish to go back, but I am human, and of course I am tempted by the idea. I have changed alot in the last little while....Has she?

Anyway, my story is probably too freakish to resonate with many people, but I wonder if getting back together ever works.

any thoughts?

[codaaurora]

I have a question for you....You said that she said that she "loved you again". She obviously had reasons for leaving you and this was not just some "I want to run out and see what else there is" situation.

 

What my question is, is whether or not your still in love with her? I mean, you never really made mention to that.

 

Any relationship has the possibilty of starting again, it's not a question as to whether or not it will, it's more, whether or not it SHOULD.

 

This is what you need to ask yourself. Is she clean? Are her close friends clean? Is she supportive of you being clean?

 

Are you both willing to just take it slow? Date? Get to know one another again? If so, then I would say....see what happens. But whatever you do, don't just jump right back into a relationship that wasn't working and never would have.

 

Good Luck!

 

PS: Whether you were doing drugs or not, you still felt emotions that all of us have been through. Don't worry, your def not alone in that boat.

[jaiva]

I'm not sure if I overlooked it but how long have you been drug free and sex free? B/c if it hasn't been that long there is always a chance of relapse.

 

I think you both need to spend more time away from each other. She needs to have counseling herself b/c any person that is willing to go through all of that (your drug addiction and cheating) for 6 years needs some serious counseling.

 

If after a year or two more you two feel that you still long for each other than you should get back together.

 

Hope I helped!

 

Jaiva

[Hope75]

I'm not sure if I overlooked it but how long have you been drug free and sex free? B/c if it hasn't been that long there is always a chance of relapse.

 

No matter how long he has been clean there will always be a possibility of a relapse.

 

I do agree however, that you should NOT rush into this if you are both willing to consider it.

 

I think counselling together might behoove you both, to find out more about what her reasons for wanting you back are, if they are healthy, to help her work through issues of abandonment and mistrust that she prob. still has towards you, find out more about your hesitation to reunite with her/temptation to do it anyway, and whether or not you two can actually have a healthy relationship, since drugs and cheating were the main dynamic in your relationship for so long.

[valenski]

Hey man you two have 6 years filled with good and bad times, you both have something you've built and you should think about it before throwing that away and starting over with someone else.

 

All the best man!!

[dmtsymphony]

Thanks for all of the replies.

 

I suppose if I were to be completely honest with myself, and to you, I would say that I do not know for sure if my feelings for her are 'love' or if I am addicted to the comforts I associate with being involved with her and knowing we were a couple. I know how strange that may sound, but love is such a complex emotion, particularly when we are exclusive with it, and decide to 'pick' one person to express it to.

 

To answer some of your questions - she was never an addict like me. She likes a drink now and then, but never the hard stuff, drugs wise. We never used together, and I dont expect her to be clean for me. She would never be insensitive and use hard drugs around me, but she is just one of those people who can pick it up and put it down, and I was never able to do that.

 

I also agree with the last post about our having 6 years together and not throwing it away. The question is whether or not she can forgive me, truly, for all of the bad stuff I did, and if I can get over knowing that she has been intimately involved with others since we split. I know it is very immature for that to bother me,, but for some reason it does, and it can sometimes get stuck in my head when we are together and I cant let it go. I dont harass her about it but my mood is affected by it, and I just dont feel very special with her at those times. This is something I need to work on.

 

I guess, ultimately, time will tell if she is actually in love with me, or just misses having me needing her, and vice versa. I know I am constantly working on myself and striving to overcome my immature tendencies regarding relationships, but obviously the only way her and I can work out is if she is also doing that.