I can't trust him

[myv]

Okay. This is a long story. Started June 2004, when I met this guy at a bbq. I really liked him, however, I knew he had a girlfriend, AND had cheated with an acquaintance of mine on this g/f. But that didn't stop me liking him. Due to my job, I ended up having to help him, which brought us closer. At the end of July 2004, we saw each other again at a mutual friend's birthday and shared the most amazing kiss. Two weeks later we went out to dinner and he ended up staying the night as he couldn't get home. It was the most amazing night I have ever had, as we stayed up talking all night and shared a lot of secrets. Problem was, he STILL had a g/f. To cut a LONG story short, 1 1/2 months later he broke up with his g/f and officially started seeing me. In the beginning of course, it was amazing. We have built up quite a strong relationship, but I always have this niggling fear that he will cheat on me. I mean, he cheated WITH me, on his last g/f and did not appear to have any worries about it. He has also cheated in past relationships. On top of that, the majority of his friends are girls, and he is a terrible flirt. That alone, I could handle, however, not so long ago, I found out he was telling some of these girls that he LOVES them. That really hurt me, as I thought I was the only one he said that too. He claimed he meant he loved them as you do a friend. The next hurdle came when he decided to go stay with a girl friend of his. I was not happy about this, so asked him if he could stay elsewhere, and just visit her. He ended up staying with her, and even worse, sleeping in her bed. He swears nothing happened, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the type of behaviour he finds acceptable. The last straw was that I found out that he asked his ex-girlfriend if he could go skiing with her. I mean, WHO DOES THAT?

 

Am I being totally possessive, paranoid and irrational? Or is he crossing the line with his behaviour? He keeps claiming to want to do anything to make me trust him, yet, continues with this type of behaviour. Sometimes I wonder if I am being completely ridiculous, or whether any one else would feel the same one in my position.

 

The thing is, that apart from this HUGE pink elephant, we have the most amazing relationship and I really love. So, do I stick this out? Will I trust him eventually? Should I just stop caring?

[Luscious]

I understand how you feel...you feel that now that you have to decided to be in a committed relationship with him he will now do to you what he did to his ex. It is a possibility that he will and there's a possibility that he won't but as far as staying over at his female friends house and asking to still hang out with his ex is an ABSOLUTE NO, things like that should not happen when one is in a relationship and also even if there isn't anything going on things tend to happen if place in a predicament.

 

Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that if he's trying to gain your trust that doing these are not helping, ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned...and he did cheat on his ex with you.

 

No one is saying that he's not allowed to have female friends but I think he's crossing the line and opening doors that need not be open!

[myv]

And thank you for confirming what I already thought. I guess I just needed to hear it from another persons perspective. Sometimes he makes me feel as if I am being so unfair, because he has done nothing in OUR relationship to make me not trust him. He also keeps insisting that THIS relationship is different, that he has no reason to cheat, that I am the ONLY one for him. I want to believe him, but my total and utter fear of getting hurt (and getting cheated on) stops me.

 

I don't know what to do about it. We have talked about it numerous times and keep going around in circles.

 

Should I demand that he stops? Or is that asking him to change?

[Cecelius]

On his cheating, the problem is that there is a past course of conduct and that as far as I can tell, nothing has ever happened that has punished him for his wrong doing. In the end, he knows that he can get away with it because he's never lost anyone from it.

 

His language is also dangerous -- he's effectively telling you that whatever is wrong in his character that permits him to cheat, he uses relationships to fill that character gap. He just happens to think that what you are doing for him is good enough to keep filling that gap. What happens when things go stale?

 

On his conduct? Completely out of bounds. I know that young people go through odd times when getting into beds (as friends -- chee hee!) seems so sophisticated, and adult like and that its not that big a deal because "nothing happens" (which is like waving your arm in front of the lion and gleefully exclaiming that nothing has happened...). But this is just silly.

 

I honestly think you should break up with him because (1) his past indicates that he can't be trusted and (2) his present conduct shows he can't be trusted.

[Luscious]

I don't think that you should demand that he stops because it may just push him away...but tell him if he really loves and cares for you then he should do anything to make you happy or to keep your mind at ease.

 

Don't insist that he changes but he's got to do more than just tell you he wants to be with you and that this relationship is different, he has to show you and let him know that being in a relationship is about compromise and is something he should be willing to do!!