Starting over with the ex after divorce

[darcygirl]

We have known each other 5 years married the last year we knew each other and divorced after (4) months and for three (3) months I stayed in my house regaining the peace, getting closer to God and trying to learn what I did wrong in our relationship while we were married that matter of a few short months. After the marriage it got worse... It seemed that many things I would say always triggered anger or hateful retorts from my ex even as minor as his need to take care of his physical needs better than he does. He said I was always pointing it out too much...Well, when you love someone you want to take care of them,,,it was fine when he wanted me too... He is also living with work pressure, living with anger and hate about things in his past which I can understand his frustration but nonetheless no resolution for him. (Even when he thinks he has resolved issues he relapses) I called him to try and reconcile our differences and give it another try because he had tried calling me several times during that 3 months, but I would not talk to him because I was working on saving my sanity. He acted like he really wanted to work things out. And then I decided I must make an active effort to find out what I have done to trigger his anger and hateful comments..I am pretty sure now I have done nothing to trigger his anger or hateful comments. I think he is self-centered.. The comments began to wear on me and eventually I broke and empowered him by arguing with him the first time around we were married and felt terrible about it...It is beginning again..his comments,,,I mean...And now I do not know what to do...I just reply by telling him,,,see I told you I need help...He says each time he comes back it is getting harder and harder to do and is wearing on him. (Poor baby, everything is all about him and what has been done to him....I'm sorry, not too compassionate at that)....I did reply and tell him it is getting harder for me to ask him back too...He just looked at me and said nothing...He says he loves me and obviously I love him because I am seeking some advice, because I told him,,,"I do not like myself anymore, I need help, (all through tears and crying) because I cannot seem to find a way to get my love through to you". (I do truly like myself though I said that in part to see if he could admit to himself is accountable too) I am just frustrated and about to give up...) Well, that remarked sparked something and he said, "now I feel bad because you are making me think I may have caused this problem too"... I wonder if that was an accusation to me as opposed to a realization to him of his behavior...Don't really know..because he is still up and down in emotions. A real roller coaster ride with him that I eventually got off before to save myself and protect my sanity...

 

He is living at his place and I am at mine and when he is at my place and these episodes come around naturally he has to go back to his place and he said he is tired of being put out...But what else can one do? It is almost like a power struggle of a spoiled brat who wants to misbehave if he wishes, get his way all the time and then act out when he doesn't...I live for peace and quiet in the home and I am a communicator and great listener and empathize with others pain...Very little empathy for me though...

 

Small matters are always blown out of proportion with the help of people HE knows that interfere by telling him only bits and pieces of conversations I have with these people...???? These people are coworkers and employer "friend"...(ie.,,,he employer "friend" tells him I am prying into my exes financial affairs but I am not. And even if I do ask questions, so what...we have reconciled and I have a right to know things about our finances... This employer "friend" just makes it sound like I am up to something I really do not appreciate it"). I told him I just choose never to interact with them anymore and told him I know the employer "friend" does not like me because when the employer "friend" and I are alone he is rude to me or just a jerk...What is going on here? Sounds to me like jealousy and the "employer friend" is TRYING to do something but I do not know what his motive is...Either that or my ex has told him something negative about me ...It is not my opinion this employer "friend" has any interest in me at all...I just think he wants me out of the picture completely. The employer "friend" is an older married man and relies heavily on my ex for the knowledge to run this business they are in together.

 

It is the result of this kind of thing that really caused us to split in the beginning..Outside people relationships...Outside people manipulating circumstances and causing us silence in our home and when we talk about the matter it turns out to be MY FAULT for ever calling...Which by the way, I ended our discussion by telling him, this is what I am talking about why I need help....The only thing is ,,,, I knew all along it was not ALL ME, and I do intend to get counseling for myself because I am going to take care of my well being even if no one cares about me.

 

I voluntarily chose not to go into employment because I wanted to devote my efforts to my mate. I am capable of working and am very qualified but am also very burned out in the career world. He never says I need to get a job or tells me I am worthless although our own finances are a challenge right now...but a minor challenge, very minor...and yet even it does make him cranky. He raked me over the coals about calling there inquiring about his paycheck, which I did not,,the information was offered...I am just in the dark,,I can understand and deal with anything it is things I don't know that seem "odd" that trouble me...Does anyone else think the employer "friend" deal is odd?

 

Can this relationship be saved? It also looks to me my ex also has big trouble dealing with any kinds of home issues... Does anyone have any advice or light to shed on this matter? Does he just need some to take out his frustrations on? I value myself and if your mate can't value you or show respect to you who needs them???Right??? If so, he is outta here...I do not do the argue thing either anymore...That has gotten old and not doing it anymore..Any attempt I make at conversing is considered an attempt at aruging... It is really weird to me...In some cases that behavior is the sign of another woman....I may even find a job in another state with family to restart...I have nothing to chain me down anywhere. Just get a job and go... I do have free will and am at the point of using it too...

 

And after reading what I just posted several times I would advise anyone to leave and have a happy life somewhere and with someone else...And, I may just take my own advice put on the angel wings and fly fly fly and go bye bye bye.

 

This posting website is therapeutically awesome....You know somewhere within us all is the right answer if we seek it IN TRUTH..THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE..POWERFUL WORDS....

 

May God also Bless someone else who reads this post...

[Shadows Light]

he said, "now I feel bad because you are making me think I may have caused this problem too"... I wonder if that was an accusation to me as opposed to a realization to him of his behavior...Don't really know..because he is still up and down in emotions. A real roller coaster ride with him that I eventually got off before to save myself and protect my sanity...

...

 

There is nothing Wrong with you. It's him. Belittling you, disparaging remarks, all go toward questioning yourself and asking yourself.."is there something wrong with me... I need help."

 

I've done this. Wondered what I was doing wrong. I also took care of him. And had the same issue with his personal hygene... I felt like he was one of my kids..."did you brush your teeth." and "omg, whens the last time you showered." Things just piled and piled and mounted on top of each other. Outside forces, family... etc etc. Yes... and when I finally left him.. his employer had a few choice words for me... if I could trust the feedback I was getting from DH. Emplyer was convinced that I found someone else. Great.

 

No... there is nothing wrong with you. And stop while you are ahead. He's only interested in him and what this is doing to him. Not you. Take care of YOU. You are the only one you have control over...and can change.

 

Oh... and the bit about the argueing and where you just stopped because it was non-productive... been there. I finally shut down from all barbs, and cynical remarks or what looked to be an opening motion toward an argument... and what happened.. he just turned the heat up higher. Claimed I wasn't talking to him..."no, I"m just not going to participate in an argument. about no talking.. I"m ignoring all barbs, put downs and choice name calling and letting them slide off my back. And that infuriated him. So.... no.. YOU are not crazy and you are not alone. What you are dealing with is an Adult Child and a master manipulator who only cares for himself.

[darcygirl]

Just the fact I have written a novel about 'HIM' is clearly a signthat he is trying to get me totally focused on him, isn't it? That is so selfish.. I am tired of nurse maiding and always having to defend the right side of matters Right is right and we can't get away from what is right regardless how we really feel about..Facing the truth is always better even if it is about ourselves, how else do we improve upon our own selves unless we look at ourselves realisticllly...I have had other relationships but never one like this one who was so self-centered, all the while trying to convince you all they want to do is please you,,,about you when you know it really isn't because there it is, all the proof.... I think he just wants someone around as a last resort and is doing the minimal to try to keep me here and at his disposal.

 

There is no reasoning really as to why people can be so self-centered but I do know anger and harboring resentment is a self centered characteristic and he is dealing with those...It took me some time to admit it to myself and so now I know what I need to do and instead of sitting around focusing on 'HIS' PROBLEMS I am going to focus on me in the positive realm that probably means him out of my life....