Is she attracted to me?

[ArcadianX]

I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine about six weeks ago. I fell hard for her from the start, but she was just dumped and is still getting over it. I told her too much too soon and she pushed me away, hard. But we talked about it later (two weeks ago) and she explained that she was still recovering from her ex (something I hadn't understood properly before) and wasn't sure if she could love again or how she felt about me. Also I told her in not so many words that I couldn't just be friends with her - I wanted the point to be clear.

 

After we had that conversation we spent several hours together and had a really good time together. We went out the week after that, had a good time, and made some future plans as well.

 

We are good friends, trust each other a lot, and share a lot of the same interests and goals, but I want more than that. If I thought I could actually just be friends with her, then we'd probably be the closest of friends, but she's so close to being what I want in an SO that it would be very hard on me (especially if she found someone else). She's told me that, at least on paper, I'm what she's looking for.

 

That's all for the background, now I can ask my question.

 

I think she's shy, so I'm not sure how to interpret what I'm getting here. She's happy to spend time with me and we always spend time alone together talking and walking around our college campus. She often laughs at things I say even when they're more witty than funny (I am very bad at making jokes, but I do have a lot of dry wit). She responds well to physical affection, like if I take her hand in mine while we sit, or if I stroke her hair. I even have a pet name for her (it's nonsexual) and she really seems to like it. The other day we both just sort of curled up into chairs and gazed into each other's eyes for a good five minutes. (She started doing it, so I mirrored her.) Sometimes she seems to want to keep her distance, though, and she doesn't usually initiate anything on her own.

 

I haven't noticed anything else, but I'm normally pretty blind to these things (I'm shy myself), and I'm only noticing with her because she's so thoroughly captured my attention.

 

Are any of these real signs of attraction?

[MetallicAguy]

She likes you OF COURSE! lol, it's so obvious you must be really blind. They need a class for guys on how to pick this up. lol. She's just waiting for you to make the move. Telling her "i want to be more than friends" isn't enough. You have to actually like ask her out for coffee, dinner, etc. whatever. Women like it when the guy makes the first move. It's a bit rare that the woman makes the first move. So go ask her out! Telling her you can't just be friends is good, but you have to actually tell her why. Like actually ask her out. That's all she's waiting for...Good luck!

[ArcadianX]

Well, that's the thing. If I weren't so confused about the whole thing and how she feels, I'd call what we've been doing "dating" without question. We go to movies, restaurants, spend lots of time alone talking, etc. And, like I said, I did fall hard for her, and then told her way too much. She knows I feel strongly for her. I just want to be careful what I do. I feel kind of trapped between the rock of her still-hurting feelings over her ex and the hard place of possible just-a-friend status, and for me the real challenge is navigating between them.

 

But I can't really complain because I wanted a reality check on whether these were good signs of attraction, and I got it. So thanks.

[Belinda]

I really don't know...

I severly doubt her feelings are obvious, sorry to disagree with previous posts.

IMO, If she has big feelings for you in an intimate way, she probably would feel a bit uncomfortable looking into your eyes that long without turning away embarrassed or trying something. That is the kinda thing couples do who are comfortable with how intimate things already are. If you were only friends but still had feelings, the situation would become very awkward, very fast.

I believe she is very very comfortable with you, and that you have a wonderful friendship. So much so, I think you should bring it up in conversation with her and ask her. If she flat out denies it, believe her. After all, trust comes before love.

[ArcadianX]

IMO, If she has big feelings for you in an intimate way, she probably would feel a bit uncomfortable looking into your eyes that long without turning away embarrassed or trying something. That is the kinda thing couples do who are comfortable with how intimate things already are. If you were only friends but still had feelings, the situation would become very awkward, very fast.

Not trying to take a side on the question here, but I'm not sure if I buy that. It's happened a few times, but the first time it happened and I asked her about it, she thought that she was seeing a replacement for her old boyfriend instead of someone new. I doubt she'd let it happen again if it meant nothing; she knows what I think of it already.

 

I believe she is very very comfortable with you, and that you have a wonderful friendship. So much so, I think you should bring it up in conversation with her and ask her. If she flat out denies it, believe her. After all, trust comes before love.

There's no way that I'm going to ask directly, at least not until I think we both know the answer.

 

I trust her. What I don't trust at the moment is her ability to figure out what she's feeling; she needs more time to sort things out in her mind. She's fallen in love twice, and I have reason to believe that the two SOs involved didn't really love her, at least not on a deep level. So she may not be willing to admit it to herself if she's feeling something for me, just because she's afraid to get hurt.

 

So asking at this point would be useless unless I was getting fairly clear signs one way or the other (as MetallicAguy and Glenda suggest). I'd rather watch, and wait, and reinforce her faith and trust in me as much as possible, both so that her feelings are more likely to grow, and so that she's more willing to act on them.

[Belinda]

Why ask if you already know?

Just tellin you how it is.

[ArcadianX]

Why ask if you already know? Just tellin you how it is.

Because I'm not sure of myself. I'm probably as shy as she is. Also, I really don't want to screw up with her. If I have a chance with her, I want to make the most of it.

[ArcadianX]

Anybody else have any thoughts?

[MetallicAguy]

and so that she's more willing to act on them.

You mean like wait for her to tell you or ask you out? That's likely not going to happen. I bet she wants you to make the first move. You sit there waiting for her to do something then she will just think you've lost interest and you lose. So yeah, go act on it, ask her out.

[Massari]

I know you don't want to hear this now... but like many woman, she is not sure what she wants in a guy and the way I see it ... she is testing you ( I am not sure if that's the best way to put it) the fact that you two are this close is making me thinking about.,... I have a friend.. a female friend.. I have known her for a year now.. she is older then me by 3 years.. but we are very close.. I tell her about my feelings .. and so does she.. so if I wanna get intimate with ,, her I dun think I can... cause I think we crossed that line already.. she is like my sister now... now she is comfortable with you.. I agreee.. and she likes you.. i just think she likes you like a friend ("FOR NOW" that's right.. woman are so moody.,, they change so fast) ,, someone who she can really trust.. my advice to you is just give her time.. she likes you,, you like her.,. maybe even more.. .but just give her time.. I am sure she'll realize she'll never gonna find a better guy like you.. .I can't say I had been there in a sense that with a very close friend,, ,but I can definitely say I know how it feels to have strong feelings for someone and when you step forward the other side feels nothing.. it burns my heart...

[ArcadianX]

I'm just going to ask her out. I'll see her during the day on Monday - I'll give her lots of attention and physical contact, see how she responds, and then ask her out on a date. My best odds are catching her at a really warm moment, I think, so that's what I'll try to do.

 

If she turns me down then, then I'm just going to focus on being her friend and finding somebody else. I'll still try to respond to any signals she puts out, but I've spent more time and energy on this than is strictly healthy.