Compatability and Common interests are none, HELP!

[Geobronc]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We are total opposites. We can find no common interests and thus even going out together on dates is a chore to say the least.

 

To have a successful marriage, even a few well known family therapists have said that compatabilty and common interests are two of the top things/ ingrediants needed.

 

Most of our agruments are over our different beliefs. For instance, I believe our whole family should be responsible to pick up after ourselves.

My wife can get along with clutter and I need everything in its place and believe in taking care of property. Like I think we should never eat or drink beverages in our cars and living room because a spill can mean a permanent stain or damage and thus depreciates the value.

 

She thinks its ok because a car is just meant to be used to get from place to place and who cares what it looks like and she also thinks why cant she and the family eat and drink in the living room, its meant to be a place to relax. I see it as a place to have company sit not a dining room.

 

We really have nothing in common except two kids. She gets upset when I vent my frustrations when things are cluttered up. She is very emotionally insecure and its hard to get any point accross without her thinking that I am some kind of dictator.

 

I really dont know what to do to find some common interests, things we can do and enjoy together. And how to come to some agreements on how we take care of everything from finance matters to how we do or dont clean up after ourselves.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

sorry but I have no real answer here..maybe try to compromise..

I was in that same situation kind of..My ex gorlfriend of 3 years..we lived together and was the same situation..I was like you..kind of a neat freak..just like things to look proper and kept everything clean and my car especially..no eating or drinking. She would say the same thing..it's only for driving around !!..then I'd disagree..etc...

[Geobronc]

Yeah..thats it. Its been SO difficult...to the point of where I want to give up. But 15 years and two kids is a lot to give up, let alone the money spent to divorce, etc. I want us to work out. I just dont have any answers to how.

 

How to find common interests. We have looked for years and found only a few that are insignificant.

 

How to get along when we think so different and have different idea's of how to live together.

[al7]

1. I really dont know what to do to find some common interests, things we can do and enjoy together.

 

2. And how to come to some agreements on how we take care of everything from finance matters to how we do or dont clean up after ourselves.

 

2. I recommend you to read a book about compromise.

FOr example: you agree to drinking in a car and she in turn agrees to

keep some place\rooms in order and pick things up there.

You gotta make a first step, and then discuss it with her: explain what you want and that you already made a move toward a compromise.

 

1. Did you start looking? Try something you liek first, make a list if you have many hobbies and then talk to her about each o fthem: but do it gradually... one at a time.

[Geobronc]

Good ideas. Thank you.

[Sen2nell]

Your situation sounds familiar. I hear the slob/neat nick thing from a lot of my married friends.Most people seem to eventually make peace with their husband's/wife's slovenliness. My ex complained constantly too but then again he was running around on me! The other woman/man is always so much more compatible than the wife/husband of course. This is just my opinion but, if you really want to work on saving your marriage there might be a couple of questions you need to ask yourself: 1) Are you willing to go to marriage counseling and/or private counseling? AND, 2) are you willing to DO what the counselor suggests?

15 years is 15 years worth of the ups & downs together.All those years represent shared memories, intimacies & a life you've made with her that cannot be replaced with someone 'new.' Since when is a clean carpet more important than a happy family? DO you want your family to think of you as an irritable clean freak? My question is: So you sold your home and made a lot of money on it but your family is miserable and afraid of you. Was it worth it?

Sometimes I like to walk through graveyards I like to read what the family has placed on the grave markers about the deceased person. I have yet to read anyone was admired or loved because they had a clean house or a spotless car. I've seen MANY stating the person was kind, gentle or loving.

Compatible interests:

Why don't you take ballroom dancing together? OR, take a course together or go swimming together or learn to play golf together? The point is you CAN have shared interests but you might have to create the good times.

List her good qualities on a piece of paper & carry it in your wallet. Thank God every day that she tolerates your bad qualities. Tell her you love her EVERY DAY and remember: You only have today that is all.

[Geobronc]

We are seeing a councelor actually. He is a very good one. But lately he has been dealing with my teenage daughter and her problems with my wife and I. I need to get him to split his time and go back to helping us again. His thoughts are that we should tell each other how we feel and then have the other validate that feeling or how it makes us feel, etc.

 

But it does not address how to find or develop common interests.

I have a few lady friends who I occasionally talk to who I have more in common with. I know that is bad, but its filling a big whole...and I KNOW its dangerous and can be leading me even further away from my wife. I have rededicated my life to my my wife, wanting it to work. I have made major sacrafices in my beliefs and have to sometimes just leave the house when its a mess and tell my wife that its not her, its me, she is ok, I just have problems living or being in my home when its a mess or there was some accident that broke something or anything like that. I try and ask her how we can compromise, but she is like me in one way, its hard to change someone into something that they are not. I am a neat freak, not obsessive compulsive, but I find peace of mind when my surroundings and pocessions are in order and kept nice. When they are not, I feel very anxious and confused and angry that something I worked for is being destroyed by neglect. She on the other hand take everything in stride, will clean something or pick up after herself when it bothers her enough. She would rather have a messy house with broken property then be having to spend a moment to pick up after herself and make our kids do the same when I am not at home.