A general post about women and commitment...

[bzborow1]

Hi there!

 

I'd like any postings, but maybe moreso from women on this. Just from looking around these boards the past few months it seems that women are the ones by and large who are leaving committed relationships. Many men on here, myself included, have posted something to the effect of, "my spouse left me to find herself". In some instances there was cheating, in others there was not.

 

My questions are. Are the times changing with the new millennium? Why do women seem compelled to leave long-term relationships moreso then guys? Do all of them start to have the feeling of, to steal a quote from Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, "Can't find a betterman"?

 

Just an interesting observation. Scorn me if i'm wrong.

[faeriechyld]

As a woman, I personally am not looking for a committed relationship. I think women are starting to want to venture out and see what the world is like without being tied at the hip. For the most part, I have noticed that women are doing a lot of things differently. With the exception of the area I live in, most women seem to be marrying later, having children later, and a lot of women who marry early seem to feel like they have missed out on something. My mother married my father at age 18 and she left him at age 43 because she felt like she had missed out on her youth. I think that's one thing that women are afraid of, missing out on opportunities. And lately I have been noticing that men seem to be more apt to settling down lately. Almost every guy I have ever dated long term has mentioned marriage later on down the road before I did. Most of the guys I know today would rather have a committed monogomas relationship with the woman they love while I and many of my girlfriends are all for playing the field and not being tied down. It seems maybe we are switching places? I think women are mostly just trying to enjoy as much of life as they can before settling down and having kids. I think nowadays women realize that once you have a child your entire world changes. And maybe some women feel if they stay in long term committed relationships it's going to lead to that and they will miss out on life. I don't know if this is the reason, as each woman is different but from being a woman myself and knowing my mother's feelings when she left, I know in my experience that is why I am not settling into a long term relationship. Hope that helps.

[StillLoveHer]

Heh, I'm in a marraige like that WIth a child, wife thinks shes missing something. Says she needs her space... Welp thats life..

[solstice48]

I have to agree with you about women leaving relationships to "find themselves". Are they unable to do this within a loving relationship? As what was also said some women seem to feel that they missed out on something in their earlier lives, its just sad that a lot of them discover this after they've made a commitment & the years go by before they decide to leave. Also leaving a commitment you've made says something about the person that made it & also about how easy it is now adays to just dispose of your marriage. And I for one know the devastation that brings into the life of the other person & the family. After 25 yrs together my wife said those same words & I can't begin to tell you how my life changed. I've been on here for awhile & I have seen this happen to at least 3 other men in the past week. I suppose the question to ask now before you think about getting involved with a woman is "have you found yourself", because I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.

[faeriechyld]

Unfortunately even if you ask a woman at the beginning if she has found herself, her answer may be yes at the time, but it's not that they don't know who they are at the beginning of the relationship, it's that they lose who they are during a relationship. Ever heard the saying "I don't know where you end and I begin?" Well, that's how a lot of women feel after time. Plus like someone else said in another forum, women sometimes don't feel appreciated, maybe it's not by the men, maybe it's by the children or even they don't appreciate themselves.

[solstice48]

So what's being said, is that women change in the course of a relationship? I'm sure this can be said about men as well but doesn't the commitment a person makes account for something? People do change over time but to say you have to leave to discover what that change is seems wrong to me. If two people care about each other & are willing to work on helping each other find what they feel is missing in their lives & their relationship it should not bring about the end of their life together. Its seems real easy to just say "I have to find myself" to explain why a person feels the way they do & then leave without making some kind of effort to keep things together. Also, if a person doesn't feel appreciated in the ways mentioned, is leaving going to change that? Unless its feeling appreciated by someone else that will make a difference. I'd like to hear more about all this because its something that I've had to deal with, so any help will be appreciated.

[aloneforever]

What if its just that more poeple who encounter that kind of problem decide to post it? Probably not, just my two cents.

[browneyedsweetie]

I have now been in a serious relationship for a year and a half, and I had no intention of trying to get out of the relationship when the problems we're having started. But after they go on for so long and your partner starts treating you badly or ignoring you or controlling you, you get to the point where enough is enough. I don't think many women want to just get out of their relationships for no reason. Not that the men always start them or anything, but that might be the cause for alot of womens' posts here.

[shelli]

As a woman, mother, and wife I must tell you that I feel the beginnings of wanting more for myself. For too long I have been taking care of the needs and wants of my family and in this I have lost myself. I no longer know what truly interests me or who I am. I feel as if I am just an extension of my husband and children at times. My husband is very good to me but I feel so burdened with the responsibility of the family that it is hard to have time for me. If you have ever watched the movie The Story of Us the scene where Michelle Pfiefer says that "I am tired of being the designated driver in this marraige" hits home. Mom always being the responsible one, dad always being the fun one. I have the job of paying the bills, disciplining the children. making all decisions even the small ones, working full time, cleaning, etc. etc. etc. while my husband comes home from work plays with the kids, maybe cooks dinner then off to bed. I often joke that I want to resign in my job as a mother and reapply for the father position. My husband often takes the kids for the night so I can go out and have some alone time or time with my friends. The trouble is I feel lost when I am away. I don't know who this Shelli is and how she is supposed to act.

I think women in general are realizing that they are individuals as well as the mom and wife. They deserve to grow as this individual and not just get lost in their designated roles. People deserve to live for themselves and not just for the ones they love. I myself hope to strike a balance. Some women just can't seem to do both. I hope that I can.