Addressing "deep" issues with friends

[Celadon]

Hi. I'm curious to know what people think about this.

 

If you had a friend with "deep" issues that were affecting him, under what circumstances would you actually bring those issues up with him? And under what circumstances would you just sympathize with him, but not try to talk with him about the root causes of this unhappiness?

 

For instance, my friend is still bitter over his divorce from like years and years ago. I notice that it affects his ability to trust people and makes him mad and depressed about life sometimes. He doesn't seem to "see" that he's got unresolved problems though. He just thinks there's something wrong with everyone else. (lol!)

 

I'm not the best person to talk with about his problems (for reasons I won't go into). But I'm still curious as to when people dare to bring up the "big" issues in a friend's life that she or he may not see himself. Thanks!

[elizmdavis]

He is your dear friend, and it may not be the easiest thing, but the next time you witness his negative attitude surface, let him finish his venting and when you can get him alone and grab his attention, ask him "Why do you feel that way?" (about the topic) and that question is a good enough opener to begin a conversation....he will give you an answer and then you can come up with a rebuttle...and so on...you obviously care, so there is not harm in helping your friend. He could possibly get defensive, but thats a normal reaction a person has when they do not realize thier own behavior.

 

BTW...thank you for your reply to my topic

 

Best of luck to you too.

[SaSaRai]

I agree with aliz... thats always the best thing to do... just talk to the person, and I would say he probably wants you to talk to him about it but he just wont bring it up....

 

 

and thx for replying to mine to haha

[Abby]

I agree with the listening then asking an open-ended question however, I feel the "why" question is a bit of a cul-de-sac in which his response could well be, "I just do."

 

You could try, "I can see that this experience has given your trust in people a big battering. How do you feel this affects your current/future relationships/friendships?"

 

This should then focus the conversation on his trust of people on how it affects his relationships with them.

 

I'm sure there are many other questions you could ask but I'd try steering away from the "why" question.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Abby

[Dubz]

i agree with aliz too, just talk to him, he probably wants to talk to you but just finds it really hard or dont know how to exlplain, if theres something blunt that u need to tell him then, tell him not to get upset about it first, i hope ur friend is ok, take care.

[Celadon]

Hi - thanks for everyone's great suggestions and advice! I will definitely try them out. This guy, he *has* been defensive, which made me wonder if he'd rather be left alone? A few weeks ago, another friend and I both said to him that we sympathized with him being angry (this was in a particular situation), and he adamantly denied feeling angry. It was a little like one of those, "HUH?" double-takes. Like I was thinking to myself... um, he LOOKS angry and he SOUNDS angry ... but, er, okay - whatever.

 

But maybe it's like elizmdavis said - people get defensive at first, but then they might realize their own behavior afterwards.

 

Thanks!!