In Dilemma......help required

[saltnpepper]

Hi everybody,

I went through a really bead breakup 6 months ago. One of my friends (guy) stood by me and helped me get through it. He was there for me whenever I needed him and heard to my non stop crying about my ex.

 

My friend is into a long distance relationship. he meets his gf thrice a yr and talks to her evryday for about half an hour. We are together all the time in school and at home. Whenever he has time between his classes he calls me and we go for coffe or lunch. People have started talking about us. And some of them have directly come and asked me about it.

 

I honestly would love to be in his life as his gf but I never mention or show him this as I know he cares about his gf and is totally committed. And i dont want to be the relationship wreaker.

He on the other hand doesnt feel anything about me or atleast doesnt show it out.

 

I get disturbed when people assume that we are into a relationship and tease me about him! My close friends advice me not to hang out with him so much coz no guy will ever ask me out if they see me hanging out with him all the time.

I have really become addicted to his company.

My heart doesnt allow me to stop seeing him frequently and my head tells me to stop it.

He is getting married soon and I fear rather I am sure he will stop meeting me frequently after his would be wife moves here.

 

Pls advice how should I handle this relationship???

[DN]

you should gradually distance yourself from him until you can be comfortable with friendship only. You should also make an effort to see other guys. If he is getting married, he is defintely off-limits so you should disengage any romantic feelings you may be developing.

[Prosper]

I agree with DN. You need closure now and then sometimes to prevent heartbreak.

 

The worst person to feel pain is not him, it is you at the losing end.

[saltnpepper]

Hi DN

Thanks for the advice. I tried doing that earlier and he calls me incessantly and he gets mad when I refuse to wait for him in the school so that we can go home together (we come and go to school together everyday). He stops talking to me normally then and I cant bear this.

[Raiders79]

ouch... im in that situation too... and DN has given me advice on my post too... if you would like to read it its in Dating and called "i am not the one"... but i dont know what to tell you... its really tough and i will be watching this post too so i can help get advice for me too... but im very sure that it is going to hurt you in the end... as i am going to probably get hurt in my situation also... good luck tho...

[saltnpepper]

Well I am not madly in love with him. As I know he is already taken and I dont want his gf go through the same awful experience that I went through a few months back. Atleast i dont want to be the one causing it.

I really value his friendship and dont want to lose him at any cost also do u guys think I am ruining my chances of being in a relationship by being constantly with him.

[DN]

Sometimes life is hard, it is especially hard when you have to make the right ethical choice that goes against what you want. The fact is you want him - but he is already taken.

 

My advice is to be upfront with him. Tell him that you are developing feelings for him but you know he is getting married and can't act on them. Say that you are not distancing yourself because of anything that he has done but because you need the space to get your own feelings under control. If he cares for you as a friend he should understand and let you do that.

 

You can bear this - because you must. You will find the inner strength to get past this and mourn what could not be and move on.

 

It is possible that he may decide that his relationship is not working for whatever reason and then you could have a chnce. But unless and until that happens you cannot jeopardise his relationship. It simply is not the right thing to do. And you should not sit around hoping that may happen but work on getting over him as a romantic interest. Do the things that are normally advised - work, new friends, new interests, etc.

 

This is easy to write but hard to do - but you should do it nonetheless.

 

Good luck

[Prosper]

A high possible yes.

 

You may enjoyed his accompany so much, you are not aware other guys are interested in you and miss the opportunity to date around.

 

You may have a date, but he ends up jealous about the presense of your friend and has problem in trusting you.

 

I know you value friendship, thats the point it is dangerous. Because people develop feelings over time. It may be relationship love or closer friendship love, i dun know.

 

The reason why i say you would be at the losing end, as he can say he has a girlfriend and can always go back to her for support if he wants to. For you, you may need to rely on friends even more. And maybe the cycle repeats again.

[Cecelius]

I would avoid specifically identifying to him that you have feelings for him -- you will put him in the position where out of loyalty to his g/f, he may feel as if he must avoid you or treat you differently. You don't want to participate in any situation that would drive his g/f to this board about her fiance's "friend"

 

I would out of kindness to him, gently back off to some extent and make an effort to see other men.