How do I tell her?

[Nuindacil]

Hi forum, I'd like to know your opinion on this.

 

Back in March, I accepted this job offer which will make me move out of the country in October, for one year at least. Then in April I met this girl, and we've been dating since then. So far, I haven't told her that I'm moving. I just never found the right time to do so, and I'm afraid of her reaction. I think she is amazing, and I'd like to keep her as my girlfriend in the distance.

 

Part of my concern is that so far we've just been dating once a week. Exceptionally twice in the same week. And we haven't called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Despite the deadline, I don't want to rush things, so I'm waiting for her to bring up the relationship talk, which hasn't happened yet. We basically just go out, have fun and hook up.

 

So the question is: How do I tell her...?

[elliesays99]

Personally I think YOU should bring it up and tell her, and do it soon! If I was in her position the first thing I would think is that you didn't care enough to tell me, or that your relationship isn't a priority. You could ask her on a date, and make it really special and closer to the end of the night sit her down and tell her. She will feel like you took the initiative to tell her and that her and the relationship are important to you. you could even ask her to be your girlfriend at that time! Just let her know how you feel, and that you want to continue your relationship. Long distance isn't so bad and I feel as though it has made mine and my boyfriends feelings for each other so much stronger!

[Nuindacil]

Wouldn't it be overwhelming if I make it such a serious moment? It sounds really dramatic, I don't know...

 

Also, how can I explain why I didn't tell her so far? Do you think she'll understand?

[Waraqqa]

At least bring it up. Tell things honestly and openly. No need to be over-dramatic, but she should totally know the truth.

 

I dated someone pretty much since this winter. In May we properly got together, and two days later he was notified that he's being transferred to the US (I live in Europe). It was tough, but he did the right thing and told me IMMEDIATELY, so that I wouldn't build any further dream castles in my head about our future, and at least have a choice of whether to continue seeing him until his departure or to stop. We went back and forth for a bit, and the last week before he left we were pretty much fully on. But at least it was with full awareness of reality on both sides.

 

If he had continued seeing me without telling me about his upcoming departure, I would have felt totally sideblown and tricked, I would've been so angry. This way, having developed feelings and done things together at least I knew where it was heading and what I could and could not expect situationally.

---

 

Of course, there is also a future possibility of long-distance relationship, and especially that it sounds like you are only going to be away for a year, it is not a permanent move? So, that creates some nice and doable possibilities. But they have to be discussed. No need to be dramatic about it, you can say it calmly, but I'd bring it up Asap.

[elliesays99]

You know yourself and your relationship best, so tell her in which ever way makes you comfortable! It's just an idea, I think the main point is that you do tell her! and just be honest, and tell her that you had a hard time figuring out if when or if you should tell her.

[James516]

I would guess that in the back of your mind you're feeling that this dating situation isn't strong enough and therefore are waiting for her to bring up a "relationship talk" so that discussion can be had first to lock her in, then you'll spring the fact that you are moving.

 

That's a train wreck waiting to happen. She will instantly resent that you withheld the fact that you are moving which will lead to a boot to your rear permanently out of her life.

 

While it is a possibility that she will not want to continue with things or you will gradually become more distant the longer you are gone, those are realities that cannot be avoided. But you guarantee that all will not go well the longer you don't tell her. Show strength and confidence through good communication of the exact truth: the time you may be gone but you would like things to continue with her. And tell her that very soon.

[Brokenheart99]

Just be upfront. Tell her about the job offer you received, that you really like how things are going with you and her and that you want to continue things even while you're gone, even though they may be harder because of distance. Usually it seems better if a guy brings up the relationship talk anyway. Just be upfront. And if she asks why you waited so long, be Honest. It's a hard conversation to have so early on so you didn't know how or when to. Be upfront and there shouldn't be drama or need to make it drawn out.

[Nuindacil]

Thank you very much for all your insights. Ok, it's quite clear that I need to do it asap.

In particular, what James516 said is exactly the point - that I feel our relationship is not strong enough yet. But I completely didn't see how that can lead to a trainwreck, thanks for pointing that out.

 

I take note of all your suggestions, you really helped me see it more clearly. So okay, I'll tell her this week. I'll try to make it simple, upfront and honest... Wish me luck!

 

And I'll keep you posted

[Nuindacil]

Find an update of my story in /forum/showthread.php?t=519108