What is 'attraction' or 'chemistry' between people?

[fallen]

Let's see who can come up with the best answer for this. I have a feeling what it is, but putting it into words can be difficult. How do you know when you're attracted to someone, or how do you know when someone is attracted to you? What is that 'spark' people always talk about, or 'chemistry'?

[whyisthatlegal]

Chemistry is when you like someone all of the sudden but you haven't the slightest idea why. They may not even look to be your type but people send off these chemicals that attract another person. It is very weird but true.

[bilal72401]

this is just what i think attraction is you dont have to take my word, i think that attraction is something that occurs when you see some one and there is something between the 2 people that it just feels like the 2 people seem happy when there around each other and they feel something that is....lol Very unexplanable..they feel like different....lol i dont know

[fallen]

hmm yeah, it is difficult to define isn't it...because attraction is just an intangible, intuitive feeling or impression you receive, not something concrete. It's also generally assumed that if you possess that feelings, so must the object of your attraction...yet is that really true? Not necessarily. You assume the mutual characteristic of the emotion, yet attraction is not necessarily a two-way, or shared reality.

 

So how do you know it exists? How do you know there's such a thing as 'chemistry', just because you feel it? It's similar to the question, 'how do you know you're in love...' and the answer, 'because you feel it, and feeling is the basis of knowledge.'

 

I suppose I would also define 'attraction' as being a 'spark' or connection between two people that arises due to a singular or shared interest, or appeal.

 

So that's my attempt to explain it...I think I win. 8)

[fallen]

I like your explanation of it because it's very scientific and I'm a scientific person I agree with that as well.

[mtastic]

Interesting article monetlisa, I psted a similar topica about a month ago: link removed Its something I'm interested in, the whole fact that psycology basically just boils down (excuse the pun) to a series of electro-chemical reactions. Obviously there's more to attraction than just sexual chemistry (at the moment I'm currently very attracted to a girl I met online and have yet to meet in person), but that does play a huge part. I thought the experiments wirth the voles was rather interesting, how those hormones produced during sex act to motivate a strong bondof protectiveness and devotion between mates. It raises some interesting ideas, such as possible synthesis of those hormones, which could lead to a potential "monagomy drug," whivch in itself raises a whole host of ethical questions.

 

mtastic

[Caldus]

Am I only the only one who doesn't think it's due to actual "chemicals"?

 

I always thought it was just something about the guy or girl, like humor, intelligence, spontaneity (don't think I spelled that right), or some other trait that really turns you on.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think "chemistry" = pheromones. Pheromones are a chemical the body produces which attracts people of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you get down like that )

 

Certain people's pheromones will attract you more than others. It causes a strong sexual attraction. I'm not sure of the exact make-up of the pheromone, but you can research a bit more into it. A lot of attraction is very scientific. Certain chemicals released in the body. It's very sensory.

[fallen]

Wow, that is soo interesting! I didn't know that, although I'm not sure if I really believe it, it's sorta hard...but then how do you explain attraction to someone without even talking with them? Of course there's physical attraction but there's often something more. I'm usually attracted to guys with higher intellect and a more serious/studious personality & I know who they are often even before talking with them...could it be facial expression, some type of charisma they give off (I'm not usually attracted to the 'silent type' introvert intellect...) or is it phenomes? I don't know. I'll look into it over the weekend & tell you what I think though!

[CptKipling]

Your personal chemistry will also change if you are on the female contraceptive pill - true story.

[mtastic]

In resopnce to the questions about being more than just physically attractive, I think that (and some form of physical attraction as well) comes down to psychological conditioning. Everyone has their "type" right, that set of traits that you want in a mate like intellect, sense of humor, attitude, confidence, etc. That "type" is the result of a combination of personal experience, and posiibly some inborn genetics as well.

 

In terms of personal experience, and individual's experiences with others in ones life affect what you look for in a mate. This extends to the societal views on what constitutes a desireable person and although in general the societal views tend to focus more on physical appearance, there are some aspects of personality as well. I think genetics and evolution have a hand in this conditioning as well, as certain traits like confidence, aggressiveness (to a degree), and ambition are tradtionally qualities which indicate the "alpha males" of a species, whcih is a throwback to the days when survival was alot more difficult for the species than it is now.

 

Basically, the result of this is that your brain has programmed it self to release the appropriate chemicals in responce to a particular stimulus. This means that when you encounter spomething pleasing, your brain releases chemicals which make you fell good, and when you encounter something something displeasing, your brain releases chemicals which make you feel repulsed (even if only slightly). So when you encounter some one who registers as "your type," weither by their pheremones subconsciously exciting you or by their personal traits registering as "pleasing," your brain releases chemicals which make you feel go0d in relation to that person, and fell attracted, in lust or in love with them.

 

Thats the way I see it anyway, I know there are people on this forum who know alot more about biology, biochemistry and neuroscience than i do, so feel free to correct me if necessary, I'd be interested to hear other points of view on this subject.

 

I hope that made sense,

mtastic

[ShySoul]

Am I only the only one who doesn't think it's due to actual "chemicals"?

 

I always thought it was just something about the guy or girl, like humor, intelligence, spontaneity (don't think I spelled that right), or some other trait that really turns you on.

 

Caldus, I've never been one to buy into the idea that it all relates to chemical. I think attraction and love is something that rises about the merely physical and is much more emotional and spiritual. I think the idea is rather demeaning to the whole experience of attraction or being in love. It's as if you are saying that we are being controlled by chemicals and ignore the role of the human spirit and willpower. We aren't controlled or conditioned, we are fully in control over everything we do.

 

I view "attraction" and "chemistry" as just another way of something you connect well with the person. You have things in common, get along well, and understand each other.

[Caldus]

So chemicals huh? What kinds of chemicals exactly? Let's break them down into elements. LOL. Only kidding.

 

I've always been confused about the word 'chemistry' in the context of dating. Chemistry to me means that you two just seem to 'click' well. If it's due to physical attraction then that means that you could have good chemistry with someone you haven't even met? That doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe I'm missing something here.

[ShySoul]

I'm going along with Caldus, to me chemisty is the "connection" that "click" you have with someone. I don't think it comes down to physical or chemical, its emotional and spiritual. The chemicals don't start anything, I do. Maybe I'm just a helpless romantic that beliefs in the magic of love. Maybe I just belief in the power of the human spirit to overcome anything. Mind and heart over matter.

[fallen]

I'm inclined to believe it's just an emotional connection as well, not so much chemical. Perhaps the first stage of attraction is chemical, the physical attraction stage, to SOME extent, BUT a deeper attraction is dependent on emotional connection, and that can't be explained through chemical activity. That's just how well you click with someone, and that depends on your mutual interests, and passions, hobbies, etc.

[Caldus]

I'm inclined to believe it's just an emotional connection as well, not so much chemical. Perhaps the first stage of attraction is chemical, the physical attraction stage, to SOME extent, BUT a deeper attraction is dependent on emotional connection, and that can't be explained through chemical activity. That's just how well you click with someone, and that depends on your mutual interests, and passions, hobbies, etc.

 

Exactly.

 

And another thing: I always thought that you didn't know whether two people had good chemistry until they get to know each other a bit. So how could chemistry be strongly linked to physical attraction? Physical attraction is a different story is it not? Chemistry has to do with connecting with the other person on a different level other then the physical. For example, you don't see people looking at random people they don't even know and saying "I don't have good chemistry with him/her."

[Mun]

What I find just amazing is when two people have chemistry ( a spark, click) and everyone around them can see it too just by watching them interact with each other.

 

If everyone else can see/feel it too... how could you explain that?

[Caldus]

What I find just amazing is when two people have chemistry ( a spark, click) and everyone around them can see it too just by watching them interact with each other.

 

If everyone else can see/feel it too... how could you explain that?

 

Sometimes when two people seem to click, their body language changes dramatically. They are smiling at each other a lot, there is lots of eye contact, etc. You can just tell that they are into each other.

[fallen]

I agree with Caldus on this one...you feel the vibe because of the facial expressions & body language, etc. People who are attracted to one another also tend to mimic each other's body language, so they're in sync. It's really cute.

[al7]

The chemicals come first. The rest (might) come later. You can't have an emotional spiritual connection with someone you don't know yet.

 

Interesting, I found compatibility could be present even without any strong chemistry.

I checked that: sometimes there was strong chemistry (very attractive smell), sometimes there was no strong chemistry (I was not able to detec anything attractive)

But there was compatibility in both cases...

 

Besides I find it weird a bit: a good chemistry for me means a really good, attractive smell. For me personally it meant I wanted to...

...eat her )

[fallen]

I asked my good buddy today how do you know if a guy (or for him, girl) likes you, and he said he didn't know. He couldn't point out any signals for sure, but he said he just knew -- "it was something intuitive" was his answer. I think this is the answer for a lot of people. Follow your gut feeling. That's what I'm going to do. I've tried analyzing this over & over, and it's getting me nowhere. There's definitely a "click," attraction, whatever you want to call it. People can rationally deny it exists (as I've done, and I'm sure others have for whatever reason), but it's there. Just because it's there doesn't mean you'll act on it though. That's the difference between mere attraction and dating.

 

I was to the point of almost giving up on dating entirely out of repetitive frustration, but I usually have pretty good instincts, so I'm not going to completely disregard them. I've felt an attraction to so many guys, and felt it reciprocated, but the problem was that the guy wouldn't follow up & call me back, and thus I would be left hurt. In some cases the guy would ignore me altogether. I think I've just had a lot of bad experiences and have tried to figure it out, but I just have to trust myself...

 

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm not as bitter as before... I'm not going to dismiss any guy that comes along, with the preconception that there's no point in trying. I'll just be open to things... but I'm not going to go in with any expectations either. I think that's the best approach for now. I don't trust people easily as a result, so it will definitely be difficult, but I'm still young, there's still lots of time for experimentation...

 

Thanks again,

 

fallen =)

[Caldus]

That "click" happens only if you think it happens. If for example you think the person likes you too, then you may feel there is a "click". Or if you think the person has a lot in common with you then you may feel this "click". On the contrary, if you aren't interested in the person in any way then of course there will be no "click". It depends on how attraction is defined here. Are we talking about physical attraction or another type of attraction because those two are completely different things.

[fallen]

emotional attraction mostly. It can be physical, but for me the "click" happens only when there's a mutual bond between us, such that we have a similar personality, and similar interests and such. I think the problem was that despite the fact that I tend to get along with some guys well, they're already unavailable so things become a bit uncomfortable and there's a tension there... that makes sense. I just wish the guys I liked would be available & interested... but there must be *one* eventually. I just haven't met him yet.

[al7]

I was to the point of almost giving up on dating entirely out of repetitive frustration,

 

I've felt an attraction to so many guys, and felt it reciprocated, but the problem was that the guy wouldn't follow up & call me back, and thus I would be left hurt. In some cases the guy would ignore me altogether. I think I've just had a lot of bad experiences

 

Was your experience of "silent" rejection from onlind dating?

I mean where did you meet guys?

 

Sorry, but I cannot fully get what you are saying: he doesn't call, ok, fine. He is not inteested. Was it after the 1st date?

If yes...so what??? he didn't hurt you then, he should somewho say "sorry I am not interested" and I don't think it is a very good way to say it face to face. maybe he doesn't have guts to do so.

[fallen]

No, I've never done online dating. I gess I've just had some bitter experiences, I've detailed them a bit on this forum if you want to view some of my past posts. But in general, it doesn't much matter. I'm over it.

 

Thanks,

 

fallen