Broke NC again on Valentines, looks either neutral or good

[RodimusPrime111]

First I'd like to start by saying how much this site has been valueble to me, whether i'm just trying to cope, or trying to figure out how to get together with my ex again. It is amazing how many people actually bother to help others - this world has hope yet. I figured if i ever get back with my ex I'd always be back here for a long time to come to return the favor to others.

 

Ok, here goes. I've posted before but I'll just recap. Me and my ex were going out a good 5+ years almost six, our families became close and there was even talk of marriage. During the fifth year I got emotional problems, anxiety disorder and was neglecting her, we got too comfortable, I didn't take her out much, fighting, getting addicted to substances, being bitter and rude and just generally emotionally detached and unattractive in that sense.....she felt neglected and cheated on me, I found out - she broke up with me shortly after both of us were trying to make things better. Whether it was guilt, being smitten with the other guy or whatever I don't know.

 

Anyway after all the begging and gifts after trying again (I know, my mistake, after all SHE cheated on me) she quit on me, told me how great I was, it just don't feel the same, she cried, I cried and it ended. She told me something weird - that our paths might cross again - do u want to set a date. I said hell no.

 

1 month NC goes by. We IM a little, all the time she would either go into "Are you okay? I'm so sorry for hurting you..." again and again or we'd just talk about how we are to sort out our shared bank account. Anyway, NC worked in the sense that I was able to fix my problems and COMPLETELY cure my disorders. The whole time she hooks up with the other guy.

 

Anyway..sorry if this is long. But thats how it is. During a certain national holiday, I go over to her house to deliver presents to her family. Little did i know she was there. She chose to come down (her mom told me) to greet me. She starts crying and going into "I'm so sorry for hurting you" and I was a little cold and said stuff like you shouldnt have done it and a little while after walked out on her crying. I felt terrible after. Sent an e-mail telling her i didnt mean to be cold. That I want her to smile and be happy as that would make me happy. She waited a week and sent a reply one day before Valentines, saying its jsut that she felt so guilty and it was all cooked up inside her and it comes out when she sees me.

 

Anyway, on Valentines day I heard that she told her mom that she didn't want to spend Valentines with the other person because she knew what she done was wrong.(AS well as the mom telling her not to, and that whwat she did was wrong. Mom loves me and disagrees with her decision to break off with me) She also told her mom that she missed my bunch of friends and the gang. So after a lot of thinking I got a single flower of her favourite color and a card.

 

Drove to her place. Rang the doorbell. She came out surprised. And when she saw me I told her I had something for her, she said I didn';t have to. I said please don't think anything of it, I jsut felt i needed to do it after maybe the Valentines i may have neglected. I gave it to her. I reached out and we hugged for quite some time. I could feel her weeping on my shoulder. It felt so calm in her arms. In fact, the whole time I've never been so calm during the whole breakup and she saw it I think. She offers for me to have a cigarette and chat, so we do. The whole time, we talk about nothing of the relationship or the other person. We just catch up and tell each other stories. She shows off her grown nails (I always hated her biting them) She tells me I've put on weight (that's good, I'm skinny, and I've been working out) We joke just a little bit. Talk about movies, and we ask about each other's families. The whole time I was calm and confident with a little bit of silences between subjects. She told me she missed watching my band and would come to one of our gigs.

 

During mid-sentence of talking about art, we suddenly end up staring into each other's eyes for a good 7-10 seconds. I chickened the stare out and continue talking about random stuff. I sensed a little bit of sadness in her eyes. At the end of it all, I told her that I just wanted her to know that I know she's sorry and I'm sorry too for whatever way I've been and that I learned to use faith and inner-love to overcome all the problems. She weeps a little. We go back to the gate and I said take care of yourself, she said you too. We hugged again for a while, and she rubs my back...as we pull away there was a visible awkwardness - either she was scared I would kiss her, or that she was waiting for a kiss or it was just awkward, I don't know. Our hands held for a short two seconds before they parted. I left her with the flowers and card and drove home.

 

In the card there is a quote that touched me and I wanted her to have it- "People give us well-meant but miserable consolation when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We don't want to lose our grief. Our grief is bound to our love, and we cannot cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections." Happy Valentines Day, With Love ______.

 

Before you tell me that she doesn't deserve me for cheating on me, I think she was in a confused state and our relationship was affected by my own problems. Its complicated. I don't know what all this means, and I think some of you might be sceptical.

 

Happy Valentines Day to all of you.

 

PS. she hasn't contacted me since, and neither have I. The other day a few seconds after I came on IM, she logged off.

[RodimusPrime111]

In case some of you are wondering about the time frame of our conversation, it was about 30-45 minutes.

[cooldude1234]

Hey,

 

I'm not really sure what you're asking but I can say this; no matter how sorry she is, if she cheated on you without talking about how she felt in the relationship (the reason she cheated) then chances are she will do it again when things get bad.

 

Wether or not you get back together is your choice.

[RodimusPrime111]

I guess what I want to know is whether all this means something towards ehr changing her mind. She told me before after cheating that she guessed that this guy gave her attention during a time when I gave her none. She also talked about feeling trapped. We had a relationship that was extremely suffocating in a sense. 24/7 together, my insecurites with whether she was holding my hand or not when we were out, I was an emotional, insecure bitter wreck at that time and seeing a shrink.

 

I want to know if the NC was working. I struggle to know what everything means. I get news from people that she and this guy is happy. I also get news that they are not serious. And then I get news that they are jsut rebound.

 

She adored me at the height of our relationship, it hurts to know that I did't give it my all.

[RodimusPrime111]

It case it wasn't so clear in the text, she broke up with me.

[RodimusPrime111]

Seriously, anybody think I got a chance here???