Commitment Phobes

[evy38]

I responded to somebody else on this subject, but it was buried on a back page and so many people ask about this subject. I thought I'd start a new thread and write what I've learned after researching this subject. Please feel free to add or argue a point. I would love to be wrong on some of this. Ambivalent people can be very lonely unless they try to make changes to ther lives.

 

Signs that he may be a commitment phobe or ambivalent:

 

1.You feel like he is playing games with you and jerking you around.

2. He takes a long time to get back to you when you call or email him, as in days.

3. He has a one track mind and it's all about seducion.

4. He's unreliable

5. He disappears on you for days or weeks at a time.

6. He's unpredictable.

7. He's self absorbed

8. He wants what he wants, RIGHT NOW, HIS WAY.

9. His life is a mystery to you and he wants it that way.

10. He's superficial

11. He takes no responsibility for his own behavior.

12. He's married or dating other women.

13. What he says isn't what he does.

14. He tells you he's not into relationships right away.

15. He loves those singles events!

16. He flirts but never asks you out.

17. Won't give you his home number.

18. Bad track record with other women

19. Flirts with other women IN FRONT of you.

20. He thinks you're perfect when he first meets you, then splits when you fall off that pedestal.

 

BTW, if you are a woman and these apply to you, if you are reading yourself in those lines, you might be afraid to commitment yourselves. You hook up with these guys because you are the same.

No Criticism here, I've discovered that I'm ambivalent myself.

[sisterlynch]

This sounds like pop psychology. Nothing ventured nothing gained. We reward risky behavior in this country.

 

This is an abusive relationship that she is describing. It reminds me of the book: Women who Love men too much...(bordering on) He isnt that in to you!!

[evy38]

I think the point the author makes is that men may not display all these behaviors, but may display several. Usually very early in the relationship. Never read the book you mentioned about women. Is it good?

[savannahohsavannah]

I think the character you are describing sounds more like a sociopath than a simple commitment phobe. Probably this character has some type of substance abuse problem, and would come on like Prince Charming. But he would demand a commitment early on, too early. You as a woman may feel flattered, but there will likely be a sense of ickiness that something is wrong here. Way too many women ignore that feeling, because there is something wrong. These fellas are the personality type that are most likely to become abusive. If you want a short fling with one of these fellas make it so short that he does not have the time to attach to you!

[RayKay]

Sounds more like a selfish jerk to me than a commitment phobe.

 

While I have my doubts that commitment phobia truly exists (I think when you find the right person, you get over it, I also think that those who most often claim commitment phobia are those who rapidly are pickiing out china patterns with someone else shortly after they ditched you)

 

I think that those that you "could" classify as having commitment phobia don't have signs like that...often they tend to be people who are very involved in relationship at start, and then start to back off, or tell you they are feeling commitment-shy. You can often look at someone's relationship history (but that is not always best way, some people will be more shy after a long term relationship...or maybe you will be that special one that does change things...though don't pin hopes on that lest you get hurt). Generally you won't be able to tell until you have been with them a little while (sucks, doesn't it).

 

So while your list is definitely describing someone you SHOULD not be with, I would say they were more selfish, abusive and just well, not nice then commitment phobes necessarily.

[sisterlynch]

Hi, Someone asked about the books that I mentioned

 

link removed

 

Women who love too much: basically women do most of the work in the relationship, which leaves men open to do other things...

 

Men start to take this for granted and look for bigger challenges in the dating of younger women...people get hurt which makes them less likely to bond in the future.

 

Etc. I am just paraphrasing and throwing in my own interpretation at the same time.

 

The other book is floating around and others maybe have read it, I can't get past how u. g. l. y. the author is, so I can't really justify his ideas based on him as a person holding no interest for me.