Head v Heart

[MissMelissa]

My story is no different than a lot. We met 2.5 years ago, became best friends, fell in love. We both had our faults, quirks, issues, but thought “love is the glue … etc”. We were wrong, obviously, because love is an emotion, a feeling, not a binder that can sustain a relationship.

 

His issues – a serious lack of trust (in women he dates and all the men “who are checking out (his) woman with the intent to convince her to cheat”, his need to know what “his woman” is doing at all times (which meant texting when I left work, got home, woke in the morning, etc.), his iron-clad no-male-friends rule, his temper. I suspect, despite his assertions, that he has low self-esteem and abandonment issues related to his mother and sister, and deep fears about being cheated on (his ex-wife and a gf cheated).

 

I had my own faults. A year after ending a 15 year marriage, I was ready to be self-sufficient and not taken care of (which is what he wanted to do), but I was also clingy, I wasn’t willing to “check in” all the time and less willing to tolerate the scolding I got for it, I wouldn’t send my daughter to her dad four or five times a week to fulfill his need for “couple time”, and selfishness was an issue. I also insisted on maintaining a civil relationship with my kids' dad, which he felt was inappropriate.

 

Looking back, neither of us was / is ready for a relationship. I don’t believe he feels whole, fulfilled, complete without a woman in his life, and he would accept nothing less than seeing his partner several times a week, and eventually living together and marriage. I am not ready to live with someone, or be a wife, nor could I commit to several times a week every week.

 

Now, months after our official break up, I still can’t get let go. I love him. His laughter, his passion, his work ethic and devotion to his son, and the idea of the future we were to build together.

 

We talk very seldom now, and text only occasionally, email never. The contact is a fraction of what it used to be, but I wish for more. I thought LC would be bearable, doable, but I’m afraid it isn’t. I know, in my head, that we need to stop communicating, but my heart refuses to listen. I only have to read old emails and texts to remind myself of how bitter and angry and hurtful we could both be, but those are forgotten when I start to miss him and remember how right it felt to hold his hand.

 

I know it will get easier, it has to. But every day is a struggle, and the smile on my face hides a sadness so deep as to be bottomless.