she's moving out. will it help?

[tim horton]

ok so here is the story. im divorced with two kids. we have been together for almost 2 yrs and living together for the last 5 months. she is 10 yrs younger than i. im 35. she is moving out because she feels that when my kids are there she feels traped and left out and all that. she thinks moving out will make it better for us and the kids because she will only have to be there if she is in the mood for kids and that goes with it when they are there. is this fair to me? i mean she will be at my place whern the kids are not there but when the kids are with me she can go to her place if she wants. does this seem ok to you? she says it will be fun having 2 places and she will still be around as much or more than now because they are on her terms. i dont know... anyone????

[GettingOverIt]

I guess my question would be to ask where you and she think this relationship is going? How 'serious' are you two? Yeah, I know, you lived together, but in the LONG term? What did she think was going to happen when she moved in?

 

Of course, she may seriously just be overwhelmed with the responsibility of 'parenthood' right now... She may have moved in, not fully understanding the ramifications, and needs some time to back off.

 

I have a friend whose motto is something like, "You go out with me, you get the whole package." (She has a child). It is different when you are DATING someone with a child than when you are LIVING with someone who has a child (I have two).

 

I don't see how she could be around MORE by having her own place... I mean, she was LIVING there, right? How much MORE can you can? I'm confused by that one...

 

Is it fair to you? Hmm... That's hard to say... Proably not, but if she needs some space, my advice is to give it to her...

[sayer7]

If y'alls relationship is serious, ask yourself this:

 

Are you comfortable with her being your children's step-mother??

 

Knowing that she wants her own place to get away from the kids when she's not in the mood to deal with them, wouldn't you worry about her true committment level?

 

Would you want a stepmother that would literally, physically, BAIL on your kids when they needed her just because she didn't feel like dealing with them?

 

Are you two going to keep an apartment throughout y'all MARRIAGE so that she has a place to escape when she's not in the mood to deal with the kids????

 

Personally, I think y'all need to have a SERIOUS heart-to-heart with her about HER committment level.

 

If she wants to be with you, let her know YOUR CHILDREN are a part of you-- if she wants to be with you, she needs to accept ALL parts of you including your children.

 

If your primary committment is to your kids and you feel as though she's trying to force you to pick between her and your children, let her know your CHILDREN will ALWAYS come first.... that there IS NO competition and that she needs to get a more mature, responsible outlook on the relationship.

 

Just my two cents... I really don't know all the facets of the problem, but it does sound like she might be jealous of the attention you give your children and may be trying to make you choose between her or your kids.... and that's just not fair, realistic, or mature of her.

[tim horton]

yeah it does seem that way. not to make excuses for her but she has been open about her feelings. she said out right that she is not ready to take the roll of full time parent. thinks that she might miss out on things that she cant do when she is older and ready to settle down on her own time frame.

[sayer7]

Ah... so she's letting you know, by moving out, that she's serious about her insecurities about being a full-time parent.

 

If you're ok with her not being ready take on those kinds of responsibilities at anytime in the near future, and you don't see the relationship as becoming a serious relationship leading to marriage-- maybe all will be ok.

 

But otherwise, I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her and figure out if you really want to be with someone who's not ready to commit fully.

 

I don't think living in separate places will advance the relationship in any way... I personally see it as her trying to distance herself from you and the kids.

 

If she's trying to distance herself from the relationship to this extent, then maybe this relationship isn't what she needs or wants right now at her stage of life?

 

You really have to have a heart-to-heart with her though. Living in two separate places after living together for so long simply isn't going to 'advance' y'all relationship at all... I see it as more a step back.... because the natural progression (if she's truly ready) is her being more committed to the kids and to the relationship with you.

 

Instead, by her desire to move out, I can't help but see this moving out as her bailing out and distancing herself from you and your children.

 

You know what's going on best though... have a talk and judge for yourself and make a decision for both you and your kids... afterall, your children may feel a little hurt if they feel she's leaving because of them... or if they get more attached to her and in the end the relationship is dead-ended. It's not just about you... it's also about her relationship with the kids that you need to consider.

 

Just food for thought.....

[OceanEyes]

Long story short? She's not into kids. It could be that she will be someday but is still too young/ inexperienced to take on the responsibility of two children. I'm sure it's not easy!

 

You're asking if this is fair to you, and there are a few things to look at when considering the answer.

 

- She knew that you were a father before you started dating her. If it was really a problem for her to be around your kids all the time, I would think that she would have discovered that sooner than two years.

 

- She is being honest with you, and telling you that she doesn't feel comfortable living with two children just yet.

 

I actually do think that it's fair. She does have a right to move out if you and her are not married, and at least she has been honest and up-front about the fact that she needs some of her own space. To be honest, you might find that your relationship works out a lot better when she has her own place to go back to if things get rough for her. I'm 25 and would have a pretty rough time taking care of two kids, considering that I've never had any.

 

If you're absolutely sure that she's moving out just to have her own space, then I don't see anything wrong with that. If there could be other reasons, then you might.

 

In any event, I agree with most of what Sayer has said. Especially about possibly re-evaluating what you have with this woman if she doesn't particularly care for living with children. They are obviously a huge part of your life, and they are not going anywhere. I would think that a woman who loves children would be better suited for you in your current situation.

[tim horton]

oceaneyes, i am 100% positive that the idea of her own place is just to have an escape if its to much. I can see her point in a way because i cant stand some of my friends kids and i can always leave. She does love the kids i can tell when she does things with them. I think it will just let her ease into something that she now knows all the things involved. And like she said if im not in 100% kid mode i wont have to be there and make us feel uncomfortable. i dont know....

[sayer7]

Yea I guess it could go both ways...

 

She might ease into the position of more committment and parental responsibility... or she might ease completely out of wanting to be in the relationship altogether.

 

Which way is she going? Easing in or easing out? I've learned it's best not to assume things because we simply aren't mind-readers. Always best to ask one more time for safe measure, and then let the issue drop and just see how things go.

 

Yes it's fair for her to not want to deal with the kids 100% of the time. I don't think any parent wants to deal with their kids 100% of the time. lol

 

The fairness I was referring to was more related to if she was trying to force you to choose between her or your kids... and I don't think that's even a choice.

 

It sounds like she loves the kids, but feels like she's in competition for your attention-- at least that's what was mentioned in your original post... and that whole competition for attention thing raises a lot of red flags for me- it sounded like she's running off to some other place to pout because you aren't giving her enough attention or something. I dunno... it just struck me as odd and immature. Course I reserve the right to be completely wrong and be reading the original post wrong or something.

 

Anyway, it's one thing to not want to deal with another persons kids 100% of the time-- there's no emotional investment- it's just the other persons kids annoy us sometimes. But it's another thing entirely for a person to not want to deal with another persons kids because they're jealous of the attention the kids get... and jealous enough to move out.

 

It all just seems odd to me. Sorry if I'm confusing you even more. haha... I think you'll make the right decision for you in the end though.

 

You could just wait and see what happens and test the situation out... if it's not working then you'll know it's not working... the right decision will become self-evident.

[tim horton]

oh im sure that she feels a little jealous. she dosent think its fair that she lives for me and im her world. i have kids that are my world and she is my world but im not totaly for her. so it does seem a little imature when i think about it.